Friday , July 19 2024

Harvester of Eyes (and Ears)

Hatch isn’t satisfied with your computer – now he wants your eyeballs. As satire maybe it’s a tad heavy-handed, but then again the real story reads like The Onion:

    Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-Utah) today introduced legislation authorizing the use of high-powered microwave lasers to burn out the eyes of non-paying viewers of copyrighted material. “If we could develop technology which just burned out the parts of their brains where the illegal memories are stored, that’d be fine with me–but we can burn their eyes out right now!” said Hatch, while introducing the Hatch/Hollywood Eyeball Evisceration Act.

    Hatch’s previous legislation authorizing the remote detonation of PCs used, or potentially used, or thought to have possibly been used, or potentially able to be used after some jumper cables and soldering, assuming a radically defective new security model, to access copyrighted material was defeated in the Senate on a 51-49 vote last week.

    “I understand why the Senate was hesitant to pass a bill that authorized the destruction of personal property,” Hatch said. “But this doesn’t destroy any property. It just turns your eye sockets into puddles of bubbling goo. Okay, you might get some melted eyeball on your shirt, but only if you panic. Keep your wits about you and you can get those eyeballs to dribble into your cupped hands.”

    Jack Valenti, head of the Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA), welcomed the announcement. “For too long, our valuable intellectual property, such as Encino Man, Citizen Kane and Girls Gone Wild on Geek Cruises, has been stolen. When you watch a video at your neighbor’s house that your neighbor rented, you are nothing but a thief who deserves to have his–or her–eyeball fluid pour down your cheeks like the crododile tears you shed for the plight of impoverished Hollywood executives. We know who you are, you thieves, all 157,872,548 of you in the United States alone–and we’re going to burn your eyes out!”

    The technology, which uses Radio Frequency ID (RFID) tags, smart radio, and the Global Positioning System (GPS) to turn healthy eyeballs into lumps looking like burnt marshmallows, has also been licensed to the Recording Industry Association of American (RIAA) to explode eardrums…..

I have heard that Hatch and Mary Bono – drawn together by their fanatical devotion to copyright – are having an affair, but you didn’t hear it here. Imagine the Copyright Defender their illicit trysts could breed!!

About Eric Olsen

Career media professional and serial entrepreneur Eric Olsen flung himself into the paranormal world in 2012, creating the America's Most Haunted brand and co-authoring the award-winning America's Most Haunted book, published by Berkley/Penguin in Sept, 2014. Olsen is co-host of the nationally syndicated broadcast and Internet radio talk show After Hours AM; his entertaining and informative America's Most Haunted website and social media outlets are must-reads: Twitter@amhaunted,, Pinterest America's Most Haunted. Olsen is also guitarist/singer for popular and wildly eclectic Cleveland cover band The Props.

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