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DVD Review: Maximum Conviction

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My friends and I were bored one night and decided to see what kind of bad movies we could rent and enjoy with a few beers. I certainly wasn’t in the mindset for a good movie – I simply wanted to relax with a guilty pleasure. I wanted something my friends and I could laugh at it in an intoxicated state, and just have a good time.

Maximum Conviction PosterThe very first mistake I made that night was renting Maximum Conviction, a film starring action legend Steven Seagal and WWE Superstar Stone Cold Steve Austin. You’d think a movie starring such an awesomely terrible cast would offer some mindless entertainment, but you’d be wrong. Maximum Conviction is one of the most incredibly boring films I have ever seen, with acting and filmmaking that is so poor, you begin to wonder if there’s some cruel god out there who just wants mankind to suffer.

I wanted some mind-numbing action from Maximum Conviction, nothing more. There are plenty of gun shots and strange fist fights, but somehow none of it is cool to watch in the least.

The action is too simple to ever be entertaining, unless purely by accident. A ridiculous fight scene that features a woman kicking Stone Cold Steve Austin’s ass was worthy of some snide comments by my friends, though the fight was so poorly choreographed that I can’t really remember any specific details.

Actually, that’s the story of Maximum Conviction in a nutshell; everything is so bland, so uneventful, that even an explosion couldn’t break me out of my daydreaming funk. It’s as if director Keoni Waxman had set out to make an action movie that has absolutely no style whatsoever; in which case he succeeded completely.

Mix the terrible action with two of the worst actors to ever grace my television, and you have yourself a film that isn’t even worth the $1.30 rental price. Seagal isn’t exactly known for his quality acting, but somehow he puts on an even worse performance here than usual. Yet, he is able to upstage Steve Austin slightly, but only because Stone Cold’s hands aren’t lightning fast. Steven Seagal blocks so many punches in this movie that he almost makes you believe he’s actually a trained martial artist.

There must have been a time when watching a man chop people unconscious with one blow was cool – maybe it was before my time or something, because it’s absolutely ridiculous.

I have no idea what the story was about. There’s something about a decommissioned prison and two sexy female inmates who are important for some reason. I don’t know, and quite frankly I don’t really care. I can’t even remember names of the characters, let alone any specific plot details. The story is so weak it can’t even sell the horrendous action sequences.

Maximum Conviction has one thing going for it, and that’s its low level of memorable moments. You’ll forget all about it before it’s even over; it’ll be like it almost never happened. Action movie fans are advised to stay as far away from this abomination as possible. There’s absolutely nothing here worth seeing.

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About Chad Michael Van Alstin

Chad is an award-winning libertarian opinion columnist. He's done with that now. Having earned himself a B.A. in Mass Communication, Chad now spends most of his time as a wage laborer, killing the pain by consuming as many video games and movies as possible. Follow him on Twitter: @ChadVanAlstin
  • Gronk

    One of the funniest reviews ive read in months. I say, with reviews like this one, im almost happy such films are being made.