Monday , October 25 2021

Titanium Monolith

Check this monster out:

    Watch the morning news, download recipes, send and receive e-mail, or leave video messages for your family with a refrigerator? You can if it’s the LG Multi-Media Refrigerator. It combines leading-edge refrigerator technology with digital connectivity and control and brings you an unprecedented degree of convenience, quality, and coolness. All enclosed in a fingerprint-proof Titanium? Finish.

    The Multi-Media Refrigerator from LG. The first refrigerator of the Internet Age.

    Watch television on a brilliant 15.1″ digital LCD monitor with remote control
    Play music from hi-fi speakers and download MP3s or play radio from the Internet
    Full functionality for e-mailing or web surfing
    Photo Album
    Take pictures with a built-in digital camera, then save or e-mail them
    Instantly leave messages for family in text (via keyboard or electronic pen), video, or audio
    Keep track of birthdays, anniversaries, and after school activities
    Organize favorite recipes or surf for new ones on the Internet
    Stored Food
    Keep track of stored foods and monitor expiration dates
    Self-diagnostics detects and informs you of malfunctioning components

And it’ll wax your wick. This brings to mind Tom Wait’s “Step Right Up“:

    ….That’s right, it filets, it chops, it dices, slices,
    Never stops, lasts a lifetime, mows your lawn
    And it mows your lawn and it picks up the kids from school
    It gets rid of unwanted facial hair, it gets rid of embarrassing age spots,
    It delivers a pizza, and it lengthens, and it strengthens
    And it finds that slipper that’s been at large
    under the chaise lounge for several weeks
    And it plays a mean Rhythm Master,
    It makes excuses for unwanted lipstick on your collar
    And it’s only a dollar, step right up, it’s only a dollar, step right up

    Cause it forges your signature
    If not completely satisfied, mail back unused portion of product
    For complete refund of price of purchase
    Step right up
    Please allow thirty days for delivery, don’t be fooled by cheap imitations
    You can live in it, live in it, laugh in it, love in it
    Swim in it, sleep in it,
    Live in it, swim in it, laugh in it, love in it
    Removes embarrassing stains from contour sheets, that’s right
    And it entertains visiting relatives, it turns a sandwich into a banquet
    Tired of being the life of the party?
    Change your shorts, change your life, change your life
    Change into a nine-year-old Hindu boy, get rid of your wife,
    And it walks your dog, and it doubles on sax
    Doubles on sax, you can jump back Jack, see you later alligator
    See you later alligator
    And it steals your car
    It gets rid of your gambling debts, it quits smoking
    It’s a friend, and it’s a companion,
    And it’s the only product you will ever need
    Follow these easy assembly instructions it never needs ironing
    Well it takes weights off hips, bust, thighs, chin, midriff,
    Gives you dandruff, and it finds you a job, it is a job
    And it strips the phone company free take ten for five exchange,
    And it gives you denture breath
    And you know it’s a friend, and it’s a companion
    And it gets rid of your traveler’s checks
    It’s new, it’s improved, it’s old-fashioned
    Well it takes care of business, never needs winding,
    Never needs winding, never needs winding
    Gets rid of blackheads, the heartbreak of psoriasis,
    Christ, you don’t know the meaning of heartbreak, buddy,
    C’mon, c’mon, c’mon, c’mon
    Cause it’s effective, it’s defective, it creates household odors,
    It disinfects, it sanitizes for your protection
    It gives you an erection, it wins the election
    Why put up with painful corns any longer?
    It’s a redeemable coupon, no obligation, no salesman will visit your home
    We got a jackpot, jackpot, jackpot, prizes, prizes, prizes, all work guaranteed
    How do we do it, how do we do it, how do we do it, how do we do it
    We need your business, we’re going out of business
    We’ll give you the business
    Get on the business end of our going-out-of-business sale
    Receive our free brochure, free brochure
    Read the easy-to-follow assembly instructions, batteries not included
    Send before midnight tomorrow, terms available,
    Step right up, step right up, step right up

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About Eric Olsen

Career media professional and serial entrepreneur Eric Olsen flung himself into the paranormal world in 2012, creating the America's Most Haunted brand and co-authoring the award-winning America's Most Haunted book, published by Berkley/Penguin in Sept, 2014. Olsen is co-host of the nationally syndicated broadcast and Internet radio talk show After Hours AM; his entertaining and informative America's Most Haunted website and social media outlets are must-reads: [email protected],, Pinterest America's Most Haunted. Olsen is also guitarist/singer for popular and wildly eclectic Cleveland cover band The Props.

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