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Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise “Joyously Welcome” Baby Girl Scientologist

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Actress Katie Holmes gave birth Tuesday in Los Angeles to a small human girl, her first. Holmes is engaged to the proud father Tom Cruise, 43.

Spokesman Paul Bloch said the couple “joyously welcomed” the arrival of their daughter, “Suri,” who tipped the scales at a demure 7lb, 7 oz, and measured 20 inches long. Bloch also indicated that mother and baby are “doing well.” No details of the birth itself were given, including whether or not Holmes — who recently ditched Catholicism and joined Cruise in the big spaceship of Scientology — labored in silence as per that religion’s teaching.

TomandKatie Suri means “princess” in Hebrew or “red rose” in Persian, so they’re covered if WWlll begins in the Middle East.

Cruise has two adopted children from his marriage to Nicole Kidman. The movie star said he and Holmes will be married in late summer or early fall.

In an interesting side note, the Parade Magazine website conducted an online poll asking readers whether they thought Tom Cruise, who is preparing for the May 5 release of his new film Mission: Impossible: lll, was responsible for his “difficult year” with the press, or whether it was the media’s fault.

M:I:lll 84% of respondents said the media was to blame and that Cruise did NOT bring his recent image problems on himself.

The Parade people found this odd and did some investigating. They found that more than 14,000 of the 18,000+ votes cast came from only ten computers. One computer alone was responsible for nearly 8,400 votes, all blaming the media for Tom’s troubles. Cruise has some notably committed, not to say cultish, fans it would seem.

About Eric Olsen

  • http://www.airbornedivision.com Webbie

    All hail Suri the Scientologist !
    She will lead us all in the promised band !
    (Placenta Not Included)

  • Eric Olsen

    yum yum, placenta

  • http://www.futonreport.net/ Matthew T. Sussman

    You don’t know the nutritional facts about placentas. I do.

  • Eric Olsen

    oh, I know placentas

  • http://www.markiscranky.org Mark Saleski

    this conversation should be moved to www.blechcritics.org

  • Dawn

    If she was truly silent during childbirth, then Tom Cruise has sincerely found himself the perfect woman.

    Are there any missing babies in the Los Angeles area where Suri was born?

    Or was she hand delivered by the aliens themselves?

  • Eric Olsen

    maybe the rule is the baby has to be silent during childbirth, which isn’t difficult to achieve with a face full of birth canal

  • http://www.markiscranky.org Mark Saleski

    the rule is for no language to be spoken. apparently, moaning & groaning is ok.

    gawd, this tom & katie thing continues to creep me out.

  • Eric Olsen

    yes, but at least there is a certain “reality” to their relationship – I am comforted that it isn’t all for show

  • http://www.markiscranky.org Mark Saleski

    true. i guess i just can’t look away from the inherent creepiness of scientology.

  • Dawn

    So Mark, what you’re saying is that Katie can scream, pant, fart, burp, make gross gutteral sounds and pound her fists, but she can’t tell Tom he’s a real fucker for knocking her up and making her look like a complete freak?

    Er, during childbirth that is.

  • http://www.markiscranky.org Mark Saleski

    exactly! ;-)

  • Eric Olsen

    it’s a cult, but from the outside all religions appear to be cults

  • http://www.markiscranky.org Mark Saleski

    true, though a close friend of mine was sucked into scientology, lost a shitload of money and nearly his mind with it.

    it’s a cult.

  • Eric Olsen

    I think it is so popular with celebs because it gives them a place to throw their money away

  • Scott Butki

    I read your first paragraph this way:
    Actress Katie Holmes gave birth Tuesday in Los Angeles to a small girl, her first human.

    I’m telling you, if you speedread the articles and miss words they are much more entertaining!

  • Dawn

    I read that as first “human birth” as well, but I just figured Eric was making some reference to her new found “religious/legion of death” cult thingy.

    Do scientologists eat their young, or is that just limited to Britney Spears?

  • Eric Olsen

    most publications say “gave birth to a baby girl” – no fucking shit it’s a “baby”: it’s the babiest of babies, being exactly aged 0. So, I changed it because I could

  • Scott Butki

    “So, I changed it because I could ”

    You go, guy

  • Helen

    Did someone say cult?
    “That which is true for you is what you have observed to be true.” (Scientology)
    Okay, I’m observing a cult.
    Not so sure about those placenta comments, but if you observed it, then it must be true . . . or do I need to observe it? Crap.

  • http://indemnification.blogspot.com -E

    And I am sure the little TomKitten is a beauty…

  • Helen

    “the babiest of babies” — new medical term? Genius! I like it! It fits well with human girl. Are you sure you aren’t a scientologist? Because “He who can truly communicate to others is a higher being who builds new worlds.” Like this here blog world. As Scott wrote, “You go, guy.”

  • Scott Butki

    I bet it was really hard for egomaniac Tom Cruise
    to keep his mouth shut during the birth.

    Did you see the video where Tom kills Oprah?

  • Scott Butki
  • Driveby

    No defence for Tom far as I can tell. Well at least I will. Tom was born from poor imikljflslasjflkas. Freck this.

  • Eric Olsen

    thanks Helen and Scott – I will strive to continue going.

    I should add that I am happy for all three – maybe Tom will change for the better

  • Scott Butki

    I think Tom should become a stay at home dad so hat we won’t have to see his ugly mug on the screen all the time.

  • http://journals.aol.com/vicl04/THESAVAGEQUIETSEPTEMBERSUN/ Victor Lana

    I’m sure Tom would find all these comments to be very “glib.”

    Anyway, by now he’s following the L. Ron handbook: “Turn knob on wife’s back to silent; be sure her power pack is charged; gently nurse infant in silicon solution….”

  • Nancy

    I think we should all get back to more important issues in our lives, like why does earwax form?

    Seriously, he doesn’t even respect her enough to have married her before she spawned, and we’re all supposed to get excited about one more set of overprivileged Hollywood types with the morals of dogs in heat breeding? Yuh, right.

    Get a life, people.

  • Eric Olsen

    I agree about the marriage part Nancy: how tough is it to get married if you’re going to have a child together? Especially if you are as fired up about the whole thing as Tom is supposed to be.

    Vic, it is very creepy what a pod-person Katie appears to have become

  • Bliffle

    Nancy: “…why does earwax form?”

    Well?

  • Eric Olsen

    brain secretions

  • Eric Olsen

    everyone knows that

  • http://journals.aol.com/vicl04/THESAVAGEQUIETSEPTEMBERSUN/ Victor Lana

    The “new” Katie doesn’t have earwax, guys; however, if you put a Q-Tip in her ear it might come out with a little lubricant from the newly installed L-Ron 3000 brain insert.

  • http://musical-guru.blogspot.com Michael J. West

    I swear up and down that if the baby had been a boy, they were going to name it Thetan.

  • Eric Olsen

    “L. Ron Cruise”

  • Helen

    One of those jazzy OT bracelets would be cool! Nothing bling bling about that.

  • http://www.futonreport.net/ Matthew T. Sussman

    Any rumors that Suri Cruise is dating Moses Paltrow?

  • Eric Olsen

    Biblical stuff!

  • Veronica Mars

    Tom Cruise is gay and this is but a sad attempt to cover it up, it will come out later like it did with the “Rock” Hudson.
    Too bad that sorry excuse of a young imbecile girlfriend of his just doesn’t get it. She is but a pawn in his sick scientolgy world.
    And he and his ugle mug are so over…..enough about him already. What an ass he is and continues to be, when asked by Diane Sawyer if there was a “God” type in his religion, he should’ve raised the roof and yelled at the top of his voice that yes, yes there is a God, but no….his answer, get the book, he is an ass…..

  • Eric Olsen

    not a fan, then?

  • Scott Butki

    I think she just called God an ass

    :)

  • Eric Olsen

    so is his scheme to breed Scientologists?

  • Scott Butki

    Reckon he is.