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Katie Births Suri While Tom Has Everything Under Control

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The only thing more irritating than a man suffering a mid-life crisis is the man who’s found what he thinks is the cure for his mid-life crisis. Enter Tom Cruise. Enter Katie Holmes. Tom Cruise enters Katie Holmes. Exit baby Suri.

The only thing bigger than Tom’s ego is his…(oh stop it, that’s not what I’m talking about; have you ever seen Katie jumping up and down with glee? all right then)…need to control. And what a freak. Before anyone could check to see if there was a short in Oprah’s couch, Mr. Cruise (whose name is no misnomer) had Katie ditching Catholicism, enrolling in Scientology (does anyone really convert? I’m pretty sure it’s a sign-up-sheet kind of thing), and strapping on a sonogram machine that she and Tom were warned against using because of the harm it could cause with prolonged use.

Freakman didn’t stop at large, potentially dangerous pieces of equipment. Or did he start out with one? Maybe there is something about him bigger than his ego. What else could explain why this young, pretty actress with a promising career of her own would allow so many changes in her life in such a short period of time? Before baby Suri was born, Tom tossed around the options of Katie giving birth at home or in a hospital. But either way, Cruise predicted, “It’s gonna be a blast.” Clearly, Tom knew nothin’ ’bout birthin’ no babies. When coverage of that delirious pronouncement fell flat, he trumped it up with the idea of eating the placenta. I’m sure Katie can’t wait to scrapbook that photo essay.

Alas, there was his woeful childhood. As if the rest of us who had bullying, cowardly fathers and who were picked on at school really give a shit, Cruise took time out from his busy schedule of hysterical happiness to share a dark chapter from the story of Tom. Poor Tom. Seems his dad was a bully and he was bullied at school. Ever dismissive of psychology, Tom probably wouldn’t be interested to know that unresolved issues such as those created in the environments of parental abuse and peer torment tend to manifest themselves later in life, often in the form of excessive control over loved ones.

Katie continues to remain curiously mum, now a curiously mum mum. We needn’t wonder why.

So Nicole, what was the name of that PI Tom hired to look after you?

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About Diana Hartman

Diana is a USMC (ret.) spouse, mother of three and a Wichita, Kansas native. She is back in the United States after 10 years in Germany. She is a contributing author to Holiday Writes. She hates liver & motivational speakers. She loves science & naps.
  • http://wisdomandmurder.blogspot.com Lisa McKay

    Any man who feels compelled to exert such a freakish amount of control over his wife’s pregnancy and childbirth experience clearly has issues, don’t you think? I mean it’s a shared experience and all, and a father should be 100% supportive and present, but ultimately it’s her show and most of it should be her call. After all, he’s never gonna be the one in labor.

  • http://dianahartman.blogspot.com/ diana hartman

    indeed…i was waiting to see if tom wouldn’t show her up by claiming he had given birth when making the announcement…

  • Baronius

    I keep thinking about how his & Nicole’s adopted kids must feel. “There’s nothing in the world like this” et cetera.