Katie Births Suri While Tom Has Everything Under Control

The only thing more irritating than a man suffering a mid-life crisis is the man who’s found what he thinks is the cure for his mid-life crisis. Enter Tom Cruise. Enter Katie Holmes. Tom Cruise enters Katie Holmes. Exit baby Suri.

The only thing bigger than Tom’s ego is his…(oh stop it, that’s not what I’m talking about; have you ever seen Katie jumping up and down with glee? all right then)…need to control. And what a freak. Before anyone could check to see if there was a short in Oprah’s couch, Mr. Cruise (whose name is no misnomer) had Katie ditching Catholicism, enrolling in Scientology (does anyone really convert? I’m pretty sure it’s a sign-up-sheet kind of thing), and strapping on a sonogram machine that she and Tom were warned against using because of the harm it could cause with prolonged use.

Freakman didn’t stop at large, potentially dangerous pieces of equipment. Or did he start out with one? Maybe there is something about him bigger than his ego. What else could explain why this young, pretty actress with a promising career of her own would allow so many changes in her life in such a short period of time? Before baby Suri was born, Tom tossed around the options of Katie giving birth at home or in a hospital. But either way, Cruise predicted, “It’s gonna be a blast.” Clearly, Tom knew nothin’ ’bout birthin’ no babies. When coverage of that delirious pronouncement fell flat, he trumped it up with the idea of eating the placenta. I’m sure Katie can’t wait to scrapbook that photo essay.

Alas, there was his woeful childhood. As if the rest of us who had bullying, cowardly fathers and who were picked on at school really give a shit, Cruise took time out from his busy schedule of hysterical happiness to share a dark chapter from the story of Tom. Poor Tom. Seems his dad was a bully and he was bullied at school. Ever dismissive of psychology, Tom probably wouldn’t be interested to know that unresolved issues such as those created in the environments of parental abuse and peer torment tend to manifest themselves later in life, often in the form of excessive control over loved ones.

Katie continues to remain curiously mum, now a curiously mum mum. We needn’t wonder why.

So Nicole, what was the name of that PI Tom hired to look after you?