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Cruise Moistened, Moisturizers Arrested

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A comic posing as a reporter and three crew members of new comedy show for British TV station Channel 4 were taken into custody Sunday after assaulting Tom Cruise with a squirt gun disguised as a microphone at the War of the Worlds premiere in London’s Leicester Square.

Immediate fears that the star was made of brown sugar and would melt like the Wicked Witch of the West were allayed when he grew rigid rather than liquifying.

Watch the shocking incident here! Thank Theta it wasn’t a Super Soaker!

After the attack, Cruise’s assailant tried to escape, but the buff bantam locked his malefactor in a steely grip.

“Why would you do that?”

“What’s so funny about that? It’s ridiculous. Do you like making less of people?”

“Don’t run away. That’s incredibly rude.

“I’m here giving you an interview, answering your questions and you do something nasty. You’re a jerk.”

Cruise towelled himself off, smiled gamely at new fiance Katie Holmes, then resumed signing autographs.

A Channel 4 spokesman said later, “The incident was for a new Channel 4 entertainment show, part of which involves playing comedy pranks on celebrities and on members of the public. The water squirting was not intended to cause offence and was very much in a spirit of fun. We hope Tom Cruise will be able to see the joke in the spirit with which it was intended.”

The Gang of Four will be questioned further by Scotland Yard today.

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About Eric Olsen

  • Mark

    New comedy show.?? wasn’t even funny imo.

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  • Eric Olsen

    it wasn’t hilarious anyway

  • http://www.templestark.com Temple Stark

    I’d react in pretty much the exact same way, with close to the exact same words.

    The style of writing here makes it read as satire.

  • http://www.bhwblog.com bhw

    What’s kind of creepy is that the guy could have had anything in that squirty thing, like bleach.

  • http://www.espn.com Prometheus

    Don’t squirt the squirt..he’ll sue you…Mr No Sense of Humor strikes again…Lighten up Tom..you scientology midget!

  • Eric Olsen

    it was a squirt gun, it was water, it was for a British TV show – I will always feel free to mock overreaction

  • http://www.bhwblog.com bhw

    But he could have easily have been a safety hazard. It’s not like celebrities haven’t had genuine problems with stalkers. I was just pointing out that they’re vulnerable at events like that.

  • RotaryPhone

    Cruise handled it in stride. What would Russell Crowe have done?

  • Condom_Sauce

    My dad says that you shouldn’t do it. Dad says that leave it alone

  • http://www.templestark.com/blog Temple Stark

    I think Eric was referring to my comment.

    It’s silly now – yes. In retrospect.

    No one should have to have a sense of humor about being ridiculed in a public place (unless it’s punk’d because that has context) – and as bhw mentions – real threats abound.

    Nicole Kidman for one :-)

    Should he have played with them, grabbed the gun and squirted back and palled around – all for the benefit of their rolling cameras?

    I don’t think so. Channel 4 used to better than to cater to tastes so low as to enjoy that type of thing, anyway.

  • http://gratefuldread.net Natalie Davis

    Punk’d may have context, but I say this is still a good warning to Ashton Kutcher.

  • Eric Olsen

    I agree the squirt was stupid and not particularly funny, but then Cruise somewhat overreacted, and then the cops way overreacted and the press equalled the cops. There is no way this dumb stunt can be called an assault, unless he was made of brown suger, that is.

  • http://www.templestark.com/blog Temple Stark

    How did Cruise overreact? He didn’t hit anyone but asked questions about motivation.

  • http://www.templestark.com/blog Temple Stark

    And damnit, this is important … :-)

  • http://darkeroticism.blogspot.com swingingpuss

    I’d sue the reporter for ‘mental trauma’ ;)

  • http://www.biggesttent.blogspot.com/ Silas Kain

    A penis shaped squirt gun pumping whipping cream would have been much funnier and most appropriate.

  • http://www.immafooker.com Brooke Lee

    Bleach would have been funnier.

    I do believe Tommy has a secret room full of his favorite S&M toys.

  • http://www.biggesttent.blogspot.com/ Silas Kain

    Sneakers & makeup?

  • http://gratefuldread.net Natalie Davis

    Bleach? Funny? Now, that’s sick. In a world that gave us Mark David Chapman and the woman who allegedly bashed Leonardo DiCaprio in the noggin with a glass bottle and the paparazzi that reportedly smashed into Lindsay Lohan’s auto and the person who planned to kidnap Harry Letterman, celebs can be in danger at times. Joking about having someone toss bleach at anyone just isn’t funny or cool.

    I agree that Cruise is probably overreacting (though I think the way in which he initially confronted the squirter was handled admirably), but what if a supposedly innocent camera crew turned out to be some violent wackjob?

  • http://spaces.msn.com/members/dorksandlosers Tan The Man

    The prank was dumb, but the premise of comedy show being devoted to pulling pranks on celebrities is even dumber. Have they not seen Punk’d recently? Man has that show gone down the dump since its first season. Who wants to see George Lopez get punk’d?

  • http://www.immafooker.com Brooke Lee

    That’s right, by God celebrities are people too! They need round the clock security because clearly they are much more important than us peons.

    *sigh* The world would not work without Tom Cruise. Or that gal who starred in Tank Girl. P. Diddy is one of this countries most valuable assets. Losing the entire cast of Friends would make 9/11 and the current genocide thriving in Sudan look like a mild misdemeanor.

  • http://spaces.msn.com/members/dorksandlosers Tan The Man

    Fun stuff.

  • http://rodneywelch.blogspot.com/ Rodney Welch

    I LOVED seeing Tom Cruise get squirted. I thought it was hilarious, and the more they ran the tape, the funnier it got. Watching it over and over and over was like getting tickled, where you’re just beside yourself with glee.

    For the past two weeks, of course, it’s been another tape we’ve seen over and over, ad nauseam: Tom jumping on the couch, whether Oprah or Dave’s, and either Tom or Katie declaring their undying puppy love for each other. It’s been a sickeningly cute public spectacle. To see him get squirted and then to just kind of implode was positively liberating.

    You know, it has often been pointed out that one of the first scenes anyone ever filmed with a movie camera was a rich man in a top hat getting hit with a snowball. Audiences loved it; it’s fun to see a pretentious fop fall on his face.

    Funny what a squirt of water in the face will do. It’s like acid, melting away layer upon layer of cheesy celebrity charm.

  • dick cavasa

    What is funny about this? Cruise overreacted? That is the funny part in this story when someone says he overreacted.
    It is funny they got arrested. I wonder if Channel 4 will put cameras in the cell as they get punked in the arse.

  • Eric Olsen

    I don’t think they spent any time in a cell, and I am certain charges will not be pressed if there is any sanity left in the world

    I agree with those who mentioned the potential danger of a malicious assault, as opposed to this nonsense, but that is why overreacting — especially the police as I have already said — is so ill-advised.

    And I don’t think Cruise WAY overreacted, just continued on needlessly after he had made his point

  • http://gratefuldread.net Natalie Davis

    That’s right, by God celebrities are people too! They need round the clock security because clearly they are much more important than us peons.

    No, they aren’t more important than the rest of us. Not one bit. I would argue that their work is way less important than physicians and teachers and fire fighters and clergy, etc. However, they are in many cases more exposed and more than liable to catch the attention of creeps and kooks, which does make them more vulnerable sometimes. The news stories about dangerous paparazzi and lunatic, sometimes murderous stalkers prove it.

    Spousal Unit and I were watching ET last nite (nothing else on) and, to our everlasting shame, howled with laughter as the show re-ran the squirt clip over and over again. SU commented that it was almost like the time when news shows re-ran the falling of the Twin Towers over and over. “Well, that’s offensive,” I said. “This in no way compares to 3000 people being murdered.”

    Which made me think: Do you recall how, post-9/11, media folks opined that the collective consciousness would rise, that this frivolous celeb worship bullshit would slow down as the population became more mature in the wake of such an incredibly life-altering tragedy? Guess they were wrong.

  • http://gratefuldread.net Natalie Davis

    Ooh, this just in: Cruise isn’t willing to forgive and forget.

    FHollywood heart-throb Tom Cruise is reportedly insisting that the TV crew who squirted him with a water pistol must be prosecuted. …

    Four men – said to have been working on Channel 4 comedy Balls of Steel – were arrested and later released on police bail. The men, aged 28, 32, 38 and 47, are due to return to a London police station on July 4.

    A spokeswoman for Cruise said: “Tom wants to take action but we will decide in due course what that will be. He is not just going to forget about it.”

    Tiger Tom isn’t changing his stripes, it appears. What he lacks in height he makes up for in litigiousness.

  • http://www.docofdiets.com dietdoc

    RotaryPhone writes: “Cruise handled it in stride. What would Russell Crowe have done?

    Reply: I think the Channel 4 crew are smart enough (I am certainly not stating they are “smart” – only relatively-speaking) to know not to spray someone who actually might respond with aggression – e.g. Crowe, Colin Farrell, and I am sure I could think of a few others.

    Personally, I think Mr. Cruise was a model of restraint. Given the present world environment and the extent to which fanatics might go in an attempt to get their message across, Mr. Cruise would certainly be a highly visible and, in the eyes of an extremist with any agenda, a plum of a target. He is one of American’s most famous faces in the world’s view. The attempt at a “gag” was certainly not appropriate in this day and time.

    Unfortunately, this is the time we live in and these sorts of “gags” are certainly now acceptable – for anyone, celebrity or not. There are just far too many desperate people out in the world trying to be “heard” (or seen).

    Cheers,

    Ron

  • http://www.docofdiets.com dietdoc

    Erratum:

    “…and these sorts of “gags” are certainly now acceptable…”

    Should read:

    …and these sorts of “gags” are certainly not acceptable…

    Apologies.

  • http://www.templestark.com Temple Stark

    Sharon Osbourne got the same treatent and dumped a bucket of champagne ice on the cameraman in return. Link

    And she’s helping cruise with his potential suit. Link

    People were arrested according to that second link and put in jail.

    Give it another couple of days and Cruise should drop charges. Hasn’t he got enough going on?

  • http://www.biggesttent.blogspot.com/ Silas Kain

    Tiger Tom isn’t changing his stripes, it appears. What he lacks in height he makes up for in litigiousness.

    Somehow I don’t think this is a height issue, Natalie. What he lacks in his manhood is more like it. The only time he acts like a man is when the camera is on because beneath the facade lies a very lonely, insecure, sexually ambiguous boy. Tom Cruise is to cinema what Michael Jackson is to music. The difference is that Tommy isn’t blatant.

  • http://rodneywelch.blogspot.com/ Rodney Welch

    Isn’t he just playing into the hands of the pranksters? Won’t a lawsuit just give them more tape? More things to mock? It’s like Tom is virtually offering himself to star in their comedy show.

    You know what would really be funny? Another interview, and another squirt. He’d completely lose his shit. He’d go apewire. Roll tape!

  • Eric Olsen

    I can’t believe he would press charges on this – it’s just insane, and as Rodney says, playing right into their hands

  • http://dumpsterbust.blogspot.com Eric Berlin

    Last I heard, Cruise will not be pressing charges.