Wednesday , September 23 2020
Apparently, Mr. Kinkade's source of "Light" had been emanating from the bottom of the bottle all these years.

Thomas Kinkade Goes To Jail: Is This What They Call “Yuletide Joy?”

Sometimes, the Christmas Spirit actually manages to get to us. For me, the Christmas Spirit has remained mostly dormant the last couple of decades, but the recent news that a so-called “artist” by the name of Thomas Kinkade will be spending the better part of a fortnight in a California jail cell for a DUI arrest back in June has filled that black, empty void of mine, where a heart once resided, with joy. Dare I say it has even filled that black, empty void of mine where a heart once resided with “Light?”

Between cries of hoodwinking on behalf of his former investors, using his pompous “born-again Christian” status in order to promote his career (‘cuz that’s what Christians do, right?), and the many accusations that a majority of his work may not even be from his own hand—to say nothing about the fact his art just plain sucks—the self-proclaimed “Painter Of Light” (cough) has been a real eye-twitcher for many throughout the years. Earlier this year, Kinkade was busted by the five-o in Carmel, California when an officer pulled him over for not having a front license plate.

As it turned out, Kinkade had been finding inspiration for another painting of the Holy Spirit by imbibing the holy spirits themselves: he was showing “signs of impairment.” Apparently, the source of “Light” with which Mr. Kinkade had been attempting to infiltrate Walmart stores, flea markets, and Motel 6 rooms across the nation all of these years had been emanating from the bottom of the bottle. Although Kinkade’s blood-alcohol level was not released by the CHP to the public, it was reported by prosecutors to be “more than double the legal limit.”

Originally, Kinkade had entered a plea of “not guilty.” However, his lawyers changed it to “no contest” on Friday (Kinkade was not present, although it is reported that Jesus of Nazareth was there—in spirit, at least). To whit, the artiste will serve a 10-day jail sentence, attend an entire nine-month DUI offender program (which he’ll probably outsource to a few struggling young artists in exchange for to-be-broken promises), and pay a whopping $1,846 fine. He is also ordered to serve five years of (informal) court probation for his violation.

I trust you will all join me in wishing Mr. Thomas Kinkade a “Merry fucking Christmas,” indeed (although he’s getting off way too “Light” if you ask me).

About Luigi Bastardo

Luigi Bastardo is the alter-ego of a feller who loves an eclectic variety of classic (and sometimes not-so-classic) film and television. He currently lives in Northern California with four cats named Groucho, Harpo, Chico, and Margaret. Seriously.

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