I didn’t need to see House of Wax (2005) this weekend in order to see Elisha Cuthbert. I got to see her in person this past February at a comic book convention called WonderCon. In it, you’ll find your stereotypical nerd with glasses the size of car windshields, and if you look hard enough you’ll find one of those nerds holding hands with a girl so gorgeous you’d think that pigs do fly.
I’m so cheap that I volunteered for the event so I wouldn’t have to pay the $15 admission fee. All I had to do was help pass out raffle tickets to attendees wanting to win an exclusive autograph session with the celebrities that attend the convention to promote their summer flicks. Joss Whedon, creator of the series Buffy: The Vampire Slayer, Julian McMahon, star of Nip/Tuck, and Christian Bale were among the notable celebrities. Christian Bale’s freakin’ Batman!
The raffle tickets had special stamps on them to show the winning tickets. The attendees would pick randomly from a bucket that I held high enough so that they couldn’t just pick the winning ones. I held the Christian Bale bucket. I really wanted to meet the Dark Knight, so I peeked inside the bucket and secretly plucked out a winning ticket and put it in my pocket. (Give me a pound my dawg.)
Needless to say, my boss ended up commending me on my good work holding the bucket that she gave me a Christian Bale ticket. I guess my Mission Impossible skills were not needed after all. So I had two tickets to see Christian Bale and needed only one. When that happens, the only thing to do is scalp.
With enthusiasm and a little skin, I shouted: “Free ticket to see the hot Christian Bale!” After about a minute fending off several men, I noticed a pretty girl motioning to me, and I agreed to trade my Christian Bale ticket for her Elisha Cuthbert ticket. “Elisha Cuthbert?” I asked. “How could I have missed her name?” Maybe it was from the nonstop drooling and sweat-induced day-dreaming of Christian Bale in that tight leather outfit, I mean of Catwoman (Michelle Pfeiffer’s Catwoman, not Halle Berry’s).
I was giddy during the half hour wait in line to see my Elisha. I was one of 100 people lucky, or in my case cunning, enough to win tickets to meet her. As I approached her, I was stunned by her beauty.
I say ‘hi’. She says ‘hi’ and asks me what my name is. I answer “Tan… no, Tan the man”. She giggles and says “Okay, Tan the man”. My heart skips three beats. “Oh wait, can you write ‘Tan the man is a dork’?” I ask quickly. She laughs. My heart skips infinity – heart attack pending. “There you are, Tan the man,” Elisha says as she hands me the autograph photo. “Thank you (my love),” I say as I smile. Before I leave, I extend my hand to offer a shake. She doesn’t notice until I retract my hand and then she extends her hand. She retracts before I notice. I extend my hand again, but I retract before she extends her hand again. I moan a little frustrated cry as I flail my arms in the air. As I walk away, a small crowd of onlookers collectively ‘aww’s as I pass.
I guess I’ll never know if it was true love. I didn’t dream that night because my dream the night before came true. Yes, I missed a chance to touch Elisha Cuthbert. But, she did call me ‘Tan the man’. And two hours later, I did meet Christian Bale. He’s freakin’ Batman!