Well, it looks like your correspondent was in the right place at the right time again. This time, while dumpster-diving outside a 7-11 in Kingston, Ontario, I came across a cardboard box stamped with the seal of the American president. My curiosity whetted, I abandoned my hunt for ends of submarine sandwiches and casually slipped the box under my toque. (Pronounced “tuke” to sound like “nuke,” a toque is a strange piece of Canadian headgear that becomes a permanent fixture on the top of Canadian heads every year between the months of November and May.)
Once safely ensconced in my suite of rooms (bathroom, living room and kitchenette), I peeled off the layer of hardened cheese and living bacteria, and opened the box. Nestled inside this box was a second, flat box stamped with the label, “Top Secret: Property of The National Security Council. If found please turn in to the nearest American government office or mail to the following P.O. Box number. On no account should you read the files contained herein, as that would be sneaky, unpatriotic, and could result in all sorts of unimaginably nasty things happening to your and your family.”
Never being one to have much of an imagination, I decided to go ahead and read the document. What I read was so appalling and shocking that I decided the entire world should know its contents, thus relieving me of the burden of being the sole recipient of this knowledge. There is safety in numbers, after all, and they won’t be able to catch all of us or shut this site down before enough of us know of the nefarious plot at hand.
I’ve done my best to cover my tracks, but if you don’t hear from me again you’ll know that they’ve managed to track me down. But it’s more important that the truth be heard.
Minutes from the meeting of the National Security Council on the 12th day of January, 2005. All notes and minutes, including this record, should be destroyed after being signed by all parties involved in this meeting. This meeting never happened.
Topic of Conversation: Reinstitution of the Monarchy
President Bush is approaching the final years of his rule and is looking to circumvent the two-term limit for all presidents. He feels, and we agree, that it would only play into the hands of the forces arrayed against our country if a transfer of power were to occur.
The state of the world being what it is, America must be on continuous guard against all possible threats to our sovereignty from enemies and supposed allies alike. Our borders to the north and south are wide open to the threats of illegal immigration and infiltration by terrorists, our nearest enemy is only a small hop away from Florida, and there are those from within wishing to subvert our authority.
Cuba is a continued threat to our peace and security. In spite of our attempts to grind it into dust through economic sanctions, Castro somehow still manages to survive. The only way to ensure our safety is to keep the pressure on, otherwise Cuban gunboats could be parked in Miami at any time.
Denying them the chance to participate in the upcoming baseball World Series is the type of action they understand. Unlike the previous administration that let Ry Cooder go to Cuba to make a movie and play that decidedly un-American Latin music, we will not be made a mockery of by showing any softening of our position.
The president is worried that our vision of Fortress America will be subverted by any subsequent administration that actually considers the Bill of Rights a document that must be adhered to literally. It is vital that we be allowed to open mail, intercept phone calls, and monitor electronic communications of anyone we see fit to designate a potential threat.
Those who would undermine our positions by presenting dissenting opinions must be considered as posing the biggest threat. This is too important a matter to be left in the hands of judges and those whose job it is to uphold the laws and the constitution. It is imperative that concepts like freedom of speech and the right to privacy be considered in the light of national security, and that is best left in the hands of those who know what is best for the country and the president.
Our so-called allies to the north need to be reminded of who’s really in charge of this continent. We pretty much have the Mexicans cowed, but the Canadians keep on trying to stand up to us. Worst of all is how some of their socialist ideas concerning health care and social programming are starting to seep across the border.
This poses a threat almost on par with that of terrorist bombs. If we can not nip it in the bud, we could see the way of life we have fought for disappear with the dodo. The proposal to make Fortress America a reality by building walls along our northern and southern borders will work to prevent not only physical crossings, but also the insidious spread of ideas counter to American ideals of freedom and liberty.
In order for the country to stay its present course, we need the leadership provided by George Bush. This is why it is so essential to figure out ways to circumvent his being forced to surrender the reigns of power in two years time. Without his hand on the controls, we never will find another leader who will allow us to do the things we need to do to maintain the security of our country.
The problem with invoking any temporary measures is just that – they are temporary. Aside from that, the American public will look on them with suspicion, rightly believing them to be simply methods of holding on to power. What is needed is something that captures the imagination of the population and will allow George to hang on to power indefinitely.
What we are suggesting is an orchestrated campaign by the religious leaders of the country to raise George as the exalted one anointed by God to lead his people. Start off with a couple of the smaller guys claiming to have visions or what not, then gradually build it up to Jerry and Pat leading a popular movement to have George declared King.
I’m sure that if we say the right things and pay out enough money, we can get the Pope to fall into line with us. Have him declare George a defender of the one true faith or something like that. He’ll know the language appropriate to the occasion.
We’ll create a groundswell of support for the idea. Our job will be, of course, to ensure that no opposition is mounted against this operation. If we can rig a few events that will skew things in George’s favor like another bombing or two as we near the deadline, it will go a long way to ensuring public support.
The people and the ministries clamor for him to be declared King and we circumvent the Congress and the Constitution. He already has the armed forces at his command, so if need be, we can just have the Senate and House closed down
There’s already a royal family in place: the elder Bushes will make ideal parents for the King, and brother Jeb can be named crown prince and heir to the throne. As King, George will no longer have to worry about being fettered by the laws that have been holding us back until now from completing our mission of securing and building Fortress America.
America is going to need strong leadership in the years to come, and we can’t trust in the electorate or the political parties to offer us a leader who is going to be able to fulfill the promise of George. We need him to remain in office for as long as possible – otherwise, our country will begin the long slow slide back to what it was before George became president.
King George the First of America has a nice ring to it, and the change will serve notice that we aren’t going to allow anyone else in the world to intimidate us. The past has proven to us that a sole autocratic leader is ideal for a country that is in need of quick and decisive action.
Democracy and civil liberties are luxury items to be enjoyed only in times of peace, and only by those who have earned them. Good, law abiding, rule following, and patriotic Americans will have nothing to fear or worry about under the rule of George. Their lives will carry on in much the same manner as they did before.
Remember any notes you have made are to be handed in for destruction and this meeting never occurred, if there are no questions then you are dismissed. We are working to a deadline here and have less than two years to achieve our goal of the institution of a genuine American Monarch: the person who will fulfill our Manifest Destiny.