Saturday , May 25 2024
Update: Evangelist taken into custody at the scene of Jeffs' arrest.

Satire: Rumsfeld and Cheney Questioned About Polygamist Warren Jeffs

Polygamist, sect leader, and wanted man Warren Steed Jeffs was arrested this last Monday after being pulled over for a routine traffic stop.

Earlier this week it had been reported that Jeffs was arrested without event, but sources within the Nevada Highway Patrol say that until FBI agents arrived on the scene, Jeffs refused to cooperate when troopers ordered him out of his red 2007 Cadillac Escalade and became visibly hysterical. Patrolmen say there was a scuffle in the vehicle between Jeffs and two passengers, first thought to be one of Jeffs' wives, Naomi Jeffs, and his brother, Isaac Steed Jeffs.

Residents confirmed the report of Jeffs' outburst, saying he had jumped up and down like a small child, yelling at the troopers, "Do over! Do over! I don't have my guns!" At first thought to have thrown himself over the front seat of his vehicle weeping, Jeffs abruptly exited the vehicle and began throwing what appeared to be large balls of fur at the troopers. "What the hell," they were heard exclaiming, "are those… kittens?" Troopers were aghast to see wigs of hair falling atop the hoods of their patrol cars.

Jeffs reached back into the vehicle and began lobbing cell phones and laptops at officers, shouting, "Bastards! You low-life, one-wife motherfu—Hey!" Jeffs was brought down mid-sentence with a bitch slap from a woman who appeared suddenly from a nearby hotel. Refusing to be identified by name, the woman later said she was one of Jeffs' wives and has been living in the hotel with three other wives of Jeffs' and 18 of his children since being evicted from his Nevada compound.

Jeffs fell, dumbstruck from the woman's slap, allowing troopers to safely approach and subdue him and take the passengers of his vehicle into custody for questioning. Residents said FBI agents arrived at that time. Troopers said the female passenger's hair went askew as she was placed in the patrol car. FBI agents stepped forward, forced both the female and male passenger down into their seats and were immediately whisked away.

Sources from inside the Nevada Highway Patrol say the two passengers were later identified as Donald Henry Rumsfeld and Richard Bruce "Dick" Cheney, but the FBI has officially denied any such report.

It was not said which of the two was donning the wig, but Cheney was seen after his release speaking in Northern Nevada, still red with rouge.

This Just In: A man, discovered curled up behind the Escalade's third seat, has been officially identified as Marion Gordon "Pat" Robertson.

Robertson and Rumsfeld have communicated similar accounts of their involvememt with Jeffs, but early on in the questioning, Cheney told a very different story.

Film at 11.

About Diana Hartman

Diana is a USMC (ret.) spouse, mother of three and a Wichita, Kansas native. She is back in the United States after 10 years in Germany. She is a contributing author to Holiday Writes. She hates liver & motivational speakers. She loves science & naps.

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