Monday , April 15 2024
All about a very special United Nations Resolution that cut it to the quick.

Satire: New Attempt At Peace – United Nations Resolution 929

In what has to be the closest vote on record at the United Nations, Resolution 929 was finally passed. Among the many unique qualities of this vote was the fact that when the final tally was recorded, there were no abstentions. Long-time observers of the UN were left scrambling to find out if, on any other occasion, opinions had run so high that no one abstained.

One grey-haired gentleman was so visibly moved by the show of actual opinions on the floor of the august chamber that he wept. Friends could be seen gathering around him to lead him out of the press gallery later, and it was said that all he was capable of saying over and over again was "incredible."

He wasn't the only one affected by the sudden show of decisiveness from a membership so known for its refusal to commit that ordering take out has been known to take days. Ambassadors sat around in small groups or singularly talking in subdued voices, almost as if they were taken aback by their own temerity.

Most of them had been selected by their respective countries for their abilities to procrastinate and prevaricate – and had never dreamed the day would come when they would actually see themselves saying either yea or nay. There were members whose country's leadership and name changed with greater frequency than a drag queen's wardrobe, and who had retained their position by exercising the right to abstain like an art form.

But even they had been swept up in the emotion of the moment and deviated from their entrenched position of fence-straddling to cast a vote in favour or against the motion. It was, of course, these wild card votes that had left the outcome up in the air. Not only did nobody know how these individuals would vote; they had been non-entities for so long that nobody even knew what sort of bribes or blackmail they might be susceptible to.

Of all the unique attributes that history may futurally ascribe to this vote, the one that still stuns most observers was the inability of anyone to be able to predict the vote's outcome. Not only did the issue cut across cultural and political lines; it threw old alliances out the window. It was every man and woman for themselves out on the floor, and you could almost believe in the idea of sovereign states voting for the interests of their people, and not out of political necessity.

At the press conference where the official announcement of the result was released to the world, United Nations Special Envoy Kiska White of The Extra Special Team Examining Elections (or TESTEES as they are now known) alluded to that fact in her opening comments before proceeding with a detailed explanation as to the significance of the resolution's passage. What follows is an expurgated version of that announcement. It should also be made clear at this time, that like all members of TESTEES Ms. White's nationality has not been made public, and all efforts were made to make the members as anonymous to each other as possible to prevent any country from having an undue influence on the proceedings.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the press and my fellow citizens of planet earth, it is with great pleasure that I'm here with you today to announce officially the results of what I consider the most important vote ever taken in humanity's existence. I don't think I would be far off the mark in saying that from today onward the world will be a vastly different place, and hopefully a better one for it.

"Judging by the response of the membership of the General Assembly to Resolution 929, they obviously agreed with me on the import of its impact on the shape of things to come. Whether or not they supported the resolution is another matter, but it managed to get them all to actually vote for a change, so right there we accomplished something that nobody else has done in the history of the UN.

"This resolution was a long time in the making and to see it brought to fruition today is culmination of the dreams of many people: some unfortunately are no longer with us as it has passed to us, the second generation TESTEEs, to ensure its passage. You are all aware of the history behind this resolution; of the earlier version requiring all male politicians to be sterilized before seeking office in the hopes of curtailing testosterone in positions of power and thus eliminating belligerent behaviour.

"What first started as a voluntary program (who can forget the "Get Fixed" buttons that became popular for awhile) later became mandatory when it became obvious that some men were too attached to the notion that the ability to breed affected their leadership abilities. Unfortunately, the "Spay Your Politician" campaign did not meet our expectations.

"Although all male politicians were eventually in compliance the world over, it did not seem to have the desired effect upon their bellicosity. Unlike their brethren among canines and felines, "fixing" humans did not seem to cause a reduction in the production of testosterone and a resulting calming of behaviour.

"I must admit to you that at this point, quite a number of us were ready to give up. We had been so sure we had found the means through which war would eventually be made obsolete. It was at this nadir in the proceedings that our Turkish representative made an almost casual reference to his country's former habit of creating eunuchs for positions requiring calmness and zero production of hormones.

"Thus was the first step taken on the long road whose end we have finally reached today. With the successful passage of United Nations Resolution 929, all men from this point onward will be castrated prior to seeking political office, and all men currently holding such office will be castrated forthwith."

About Richard Marcus

Richard Marcus is the author of three books commissioned by Ulysses Press, "What Will Happen In Eragon IV?" (2009) and "The Unofficial Heroes Of Olympus Companion" and "Introduction to Greek Mythology For Kids". Aside from Blogcritics he contributes to and his work has appeared in the German edition of Rolling Stone Magazine and has been translated into numerous languages in multiple publications.

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