What would greeting cards be like if conservative blowhard commentator Bill O'Reilly wrote them?
Cover: Merry Christmas to You! (Don't you go saying "Happy Holidays!" to anyone, you commie-loving, Christian-hating pagan, for that is supporting the War On Christmas!)
Inside: And Happy New Year!
New Year's Day
Cover: Happy New Year! (Any year with a Republican president is a happy year)
Inside: Auld Lang – Hey, what's this Latin crap? Speak English, damn it. If you don't like it, go to, um, Latin America or wherever they speak Latin.
Cover: Happy Valentine's Day, My Dear Beloved (provided you are the opposite sex of the person writing this letter)!
Inside: I want you to know I love you and want to one day marry (a ceremony which should only take place between a man and a woman) you.
Cover: Get Well (assuming you have insurance since I'm obviously opposed to any kind of health reform which only commies support)!
Inside: Now get back to work… I'm kidding! (Actually I'm not kidding since I oppose labor unions and other groups which fight to ensure you have days off to recuperate when not well.)
Cover: I am sorry for your loss (unless the person who died is Jeremy Glick or one of his supporters in which case I am not sorry at all).
Inside: My thoughts are with you during this difficult time (unless your opinions conflict with mine, in which case my thoughts are on how to bully you out of your wrong, stupid opinions).
Cover: Congratulations On Being Elected!
Inside: I'm so excited for you (provided you are not pro-terrorist like Hillary Clinton or that sissy, Bill Kerry, in which case I'm quite dismayed)!
Cover: Congratulations On Getting Hitched (provided your partner is of the opposite sex)!
Inside: Enjoy the honeymoon (during which you can read one of my hateful, er, powerful books)!