Sunday , May 26 2024
The new Republican Presidential candidate symbolizes a return to traditional American values and self-reliance.

Sasquatch Joins the Republican Presidential Field

It’s been an open secret that the so-called Republican establishment is not very happy with the current field of Presidential candidates.  The base is unexcited about Mitt Romney’s shifting positions and his failure to connect with ordinary voters.  His conservative challengers are encumbered by past political and personal baggage (Newt Gingrich), inability to master basic facts (Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry) or positions outside of the mainstream (Ron Paul).  Insiders are concerned, in an election year when the Presidency should be theirs for the taking, that party missteps will let victory slip away from the Republican party. 

So I wasn’t surprised when I heard about the following meeting that took place recently:

The Scene: A conference room in an undisclosed city.  Various Captains of Industry , Important Congressmen, Influential Lobbyists and High-Powered Political Consultants are gathered around a table.  One High-Powered Political Consultant stands up to speak:

High-Powered Political Consultant 1:  Ladies and Gentlemen, you all know whey we’re here.  We have a highly unpopular Democratic President who’s shown wavering and inconsistent leadership.  The economy isn’t recovering – millions of Americans are still out of work.  We should be scoring a landslide in 2012.  At best, it looks like it’s going to be a very tight race.  Our current Republican candidates just aren’t cutting it.

Important Congressman 1:  We all know that.  But what are we going to do?  Iowa is upon us – New Hampshire a few weeks away.  The ones who’d we’d like to see get in, like Mitch Daniels or Chris Christie, have said they won’t.  What are we going to do?

High-Powered Political Consultant 1:  We’ve done a nationwide search.  We believe we’ve found a candidate that we think will revolutionize the race.  (Calls to another room) We’re ready – bring him in.

Two other consultants escort a huge beast resembling a gorilla into the room.  The beast stands  approximately 8 or 9 ft tall and  wears a tailored suit with a tie.  He warily eyes the people sitting around the conference table and sits down awkwardly.  It’s obvious he doesn’t have much experience sitting on a chair.  The conference participants shift in their seats uneasily as they try to avoid staring at the best.

Important Congressman 1 (muttering):  “What on earth is that?”

High-Powered Political Consultant 1:  This, ladies and gentlemen, is our latest Republican candidate – the one who is going to redefine the dynamics of Presidential politics.  This, ladies and gentlemen, is … Sasquatch.

Captain of Industry 1:  Sasquatch?? What?? Are you telling me that our latest candidate is a mythical beast?

High-Powered Political Consultant 1:  Of course he’s not mythical – he’s here, isn’t he?  Besides, watch your language.  He’s still new to this game and he’s sensitive.

Influential Lobbyist 1:  We’ll try to watch ourselves.  But I need to ask – what makes you think that Sasquatch will make any difference?

High-Powered Political Consultant 1:  Think about it.  The advantages are almost too many to list.  He’s the perfect candidate for the Republican party.  He’s a throwback to traditional American values – especially American hunter-gatherer values.  He’s a model of self-sufficiency.  He’s never taken a government handout.  Think about the hot-button issues we’re dealing with.  Not only is he against a government takeover of healthcare, he’s never had any Heathcare to begin with.

Important Congressman 2:  Well, we need to be deal with more than just the hot-button issues.  What’s his position on foreign policy?

(Sasquatch opens his mouth and lets out a terrifying scream.)

High-Powered Political Consultant 1:  As you can tell, Sasquatch believes in a muscular foreign policy, which puts America first and makes no apology for using American power.

Captain of Industry 1:  What’s his position on domestic policy?

(Sasquatch opens his mouth and lets out a terrifying scream.)

High-Powered Political Consultant 1:  As you can tell, Sasquatch believes in a no-nonsense domestic policy focusing on lean government that relies on individual initiative.

(Other conference participants look around the room and scratch their heads.

High-Powered Political Consultant 1:  But there are other advantages, as well.  Sasquatch represents a minority, so that will help us on that front.  Plus we should do well with female voters.

High-Powered Political Consultant 2:  How do you figure that?

High-Powered Political Consultant 1:  You know what his other name is, don’t you?

Important Congressman 2:  You mean, Bigfoot?

High-Powered Political Consultant 1:  Yes, Bigfoot.  And you know what they say about that …

Captain of Industry 1:  OK, OK – enough about that.  But this still doesn’t feel right.  Doesn’t the President have to be – well – human?

High-Powered Political Consultant 1:  Check your copy of the constitution.  There’s nothing in there about the President being human.

Captain of Industry 2:  What are the other requirements for the President?

High-Powered Political Consultant 1:  He’s has to be native-born and 35 years old.  We picked this Sasquatch up in Colorado.  Knowing what we know about Sasquatch migratory patterns, it’s extremely unlikely he could have set foot in either Canada or Mexico.

Influential Lobbyist 2:  How do we know he’s 35 years old?

(Sasquatch opens his mouth and lets out a terrifying scream.)

High-Powered Political Consultant 1:  Do you want to be the one to tell him he’s not?

About Phillip Barnett

Phillip Barnett is a software geek with multiple, conflicting musical fantasies. He has played jazz piano, folk guitar and klezmer clarinet (not all at the same time - that would look ridiculous and would probably hurt his back).

Check Also

SXSW 2024 Film Review: ‘Sasquatch Sunset’ Makes a Yeti out of Jesse Eisenberg

Jesse Eisenberg stars in a film about a year in the life of a sasquatch family trying to survive in a changing environment.