Politics Versus American Gladiators

Listen, the President was on TV last night, ruining most of what the writers' strike left intact, and I don't really talk politics here, so I'm going to pretty much avoid any discussion of what he said. Let me just say, though, that I believe nothing any politician has to say, ever. The reason this entire electoral process is so depressing is that we, the television watching public, get told nothing but lies for months on end only to be told that the "other side" prevented what we wanted from getting done being done after the election. The egos involved are just too massive and no matter what any politician tells us, they're not going to work for bipartisanship, it would cost them too much face.

Okay, there, I said I wasn't going to talk about the President ruining my television watching, but I did. The one thing I could cling to last night was American Gladiators, that bastion of entertainment which looked like a game of touch football compared with what our presidential candidates are currently up to.

Don't get me wrong, Gladiators is fun, it's just not as hard-hitting as I might like it to be. Did you watch Hit and Run last night? What a ridiculous, ludicrous event that is — here, let me swing a medicine ball at you from really far away while you run across a rickety bridge. It's like a bad version of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom with medicine balls instead of a bunch of bad guys with swords (or is that due out this summer?).

Then, there was no Crush. What's a night of American Gladiators without Crush? I can afford to lose Wolf or Stealth or even Hellga, but Crush? That's not right.

And, lastly, what is up with the smack talk on the show? Why must we suffer through so many contestants trying to talk about what they're going to do to the gladiators or the event, only to see them fail. Last night we had to deal with Kim (a former Knicks cheerleader) and Mike (a chiropractor) issuing big words only to fall completely flat. Kim couldn't even climb to the top of the eight-foot wall in Eliminator, something that most constants spend less than five seconds on. Mike, perhaps remembering all the backs that he fixes, refused to go anywhere near gladiators. He took a bunch of jump shots in Power Ball so that the gladiators wouldn't have the opportunity to tackle him.

Here I thought American Gladiators was a contact sport, but I guess that politics is still tougher. I'll admit it though, I wouldn't mind seeing Clinton and Obama go after each other on Hang Tough. I'd put them both in the Eliminator, but I don't think that either would be able to do the hand bike or get to the top of the Travelator.