Blogcritics The critical lens on today's culture & entertainment
Mistress of all media and street skank Paris Hilton has done the unimaginable: she has cast Lindsay Lohan in the role of sympathetic victim.
How? Paris's adventures began over Mother's Day weekend. In true wealth-wasted-on-the-wealthy style, Paris spent thousands of dollars on Christian Dior goods for her mother that ended up being stolen form the front gates of the palatial Hilton estate by a now rather stylish thief.
Poor Paris!
Paris, not content to bask in her martyrdom, instead took this special time in the spotlight to cast her vacant bitchy gaze upon little Lindsay Lohan.
It's not what she said of course: that deed was left to her perspiring, slovenly, drunken pal and fellow heir to millions, Brandon Davis. But the juvenile twittering, prodding, and egging on she offered Davis makes her equally culpable for the offense. Clearly one can't prevent a hairy primate from flinging feces, but twittering in uproarious approval when he does so might be called "instigation."
How It All Began
Over the weekend, Lindsay and Paris were both partying at the Hollywood club, Hyde, when Lohan, once again making a poor choice, approached Paris and crew for a chipper chat. This resulted in a flash of nails and lips, with Paris hissing malignant disdain for Lohan.
Why the rift? Circulating rumor is that Paris was upset due to one of the following reasons: Lohan's affiliations with several of Hilton’s ex-boyfriends; Lohan using Hilton’s name to draw attention; or, Lohan breathing the same air as the heiress – all vicious affronts to be sure.
What Happened Next
Clearly, such affronts must be met with overwhelming force – on tape.
In a videotape more grotesque than One Night In Paris, Hilton and her posse are captured for posterity generating a cacophonous haze of bile directed at Lohan; the worst of which dribble from of the outhouse mouth of troll Davis, as he enthusiastically assigns various unflattering appellations to Lohan and her genitalia.
Davis — known only for inheriting oil money, schlepping with celebs, and dating Mischa Barton — gets zero creativity and style points in his slurred rant. His assault on the ears and common decency is repetitive, uninspired — and in my writerly opinion — features overly liberal reliance on the word "firecrotch."
I'm not sure if this usage is in reference to the supposed hue or temperature of young Lindsay's mentioned body part.
"She has the stinkiest, sweatiest, orange [bleeped on tape] anyone has ever seen; she wants me to see it, but it sh*ts out freckles; it's orange and it smells like diarrhea, so [bleeped] off," he brays.
Fast-forward through several more "firecrotches," "orange/red" vaginal references, incoherent babbling and icky behavior, and the frenzied verbal abuse reaches its crescendo about Lindsay's wealth, or lack thereof: "I think she's worth about seven million [dollars], which means she's really poor. It's disgusting. She lives in a motel, in New York."
Davis has one final comment on the subject of Lohan: "She is a firecrotch, with freckles coming out of her vagina, and a clitoris that is seven feet long."
Enough already with the firecrotch. Besides, it makes her sound like a superhero: "Governor, we've done all we can. Isn't it time to pick up the Labia Line and call Firecrotch?"
This whole incident just proves once again that class and wealth do not go hand in hand.
Truly, while Davis' foul display is of interest only for its excess and haphazardness, it's Paris' giggling and whispering insipid encouragement in Davis' ear, while holding her phone up to share the invective with friends not present, that is indeed the ultimate in childish and pathetic displays.
The Aftermath
Accompanying this group of dunderheads was Paris' publicist, Elliot Mintz (longtime Yoko Ono spokesman), in what had to be one of the low points in his years of baby-sitting celebs. To top off the aural treats, Davis further humiliated Mintz by manhandling and tie-disheveling the 61-year-old PR maven.
It was an OUTRAGE.
Watching the tape, I got the distinct impression that Mr. Mintz wanted to serve Davis a white-gloved, backhanded bitchslap, followed up with a tirade that would begin with "Not in all my years," and end with "you spoiled, rotten, sloppy piece of inheri-trash."
Instead he was forced to defend Paris with this professionally crafted statement to TMZ, the owners of the videotape: "The only thing I want to underscore is the person making the statements was not Paris Hilton. It is unfair to characterize Brandon's statements as being reflective of Paris' feelings about Lindsay. We're dealing with two different people. It was Brandon who was speaking, of course there are moments when Paris was laughing, but she never said anything. Brandon was speaking for himself not for her. Personally, I found the incident unnecessary."
Yes Elliott, we do too, but you wouldn't have a job if celebs weren't idiots.
If bad karma were wealth, Paris could buy the universe.
Lindsay, this would be one of those opportunities to use good judgment. My advice is to crush them with your talent and success — none of which Paris has. Or you could do this, but that's so predictable.
