Sunday , March 3 2024

Paris Hilton Launches Music Career, World Shrugs

Clearly chastened by the Lindsay Lohan "firecrotch" debacle of last week, Paris Hilton, 25 — quite possibly the most relentlessly annoying celebrity on earth — is attempting to silence her critics.

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Paris Hilton on right 

How, you might ask? Cutting a record of course. It's what all famous-for-being-famous people do when they have run out of other ways to torture the culturally-consumptive masses.

Honestly, I think the music is just an excuse to roll around, fondle her genitalia, and expose her nipples in yet another video – this one in broad daylight and with a more "artistic" focus.

TMZ, the 24-hour, in-your-nutsack celebrity sleuths, had video of Paris Hilton making a video, lipsynching to her new single, "Stars Are Blind," from her yet to be released self-titled album.

The video is no longer listed on the site and is currently unavailable. The single, from what you can hear of it, is rather catchy. It's like a cross between, No Doubt's "Underneath It All," Blondie's "Heart of Glass" (also covered on the album), with a whiff of "It's A Small World (After All)" innocence mixed in for the kiddies.

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Paris goes all out and takes her beach dancing to an all new level of amateurishness — she also seems uncomfortable in her peculiar one-piece ensemble (rather ugly and unflattering I have to note) as she pours sand on herself as if it were water. When did sand become the new sexy medium? Has Paris never been to the beach before? Is she new to irritant properties of crystallized silica particulates?

Clearly, recognizing her lapse in sensory judgment, she then does the sand-in-my-crevice number that most of us try to handle discreetly, but Paris does with unabashed gusto.

Not missing a beat, Ms. Hilton shows us what's hot by dizzily flipping back and forth, adjusting her top and otherwise acting like she got a sand crab where the sun generally fails to shine.

Sand crabs

Essentially, it's not becoming of the lithe and otherwise semi-elegant celebutante.

The song sounds pretty cool though — must not have been her singing.

The album, set for release on June 2, knew controversy before a note was heard. Paris, planning to cover a song called "Screwed," was embroiled in a legal battle with Haylie Duff (Hilary's lesser known, substantially less attractive sister) who was also covering the song.

Paris, not to be outdone by her less wealthy but perhaps more talented peers, hired hot pop-hip hop producer Scott Storch as the main producer for her debut release. Storch has scored #1 hits for Justin Timberlake with "Cry Me A River," 50-Cent's "Candy Shop," "Let Me Love You" by Mario, and "Run It" by Chris Brown. With that kind of track record, we are likely to see and hear more from Paris.

Get that sand crab, Paris, get it.

About Dawn Olsen

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