Dear Peter Jackson, director of King Kong:
Here are nine thoughts on how you can improve this movie.
1. Shorten the movie by at least an hour – if this movie is mocking other Kong movies why does it have to be longer than them? And why must we wait an hour before we get our first glimpse at Kong?
2. Consistency would be nice. I could be mistaken but I’m pretty sure the female lead was in bare feet when she walked down the street to talk to her big hairy boyfriend but she had high heels when she was on the Empire State Building.
3. Just because a movie does a good job at being bad and corny in order to point out how bad and corny the original movies are, doesn’t make the movie itself good.
4.Watch Mars Attacks. You know how, after a while, the idea of mocking bad movies got old? Same with Ed Wood? Learn from that.
5. More scenes of just Naomi Watts and Kong like the ice pond one and the
one where she does vaudeville. If there had been more original scenes like that this could have been a much more entertaining, original film.
6. New character suggestion: Kong has a wife. And for an ape, she’s a babe!
7. Here’s a pitch: Kong’s wife gets jealous of the Fay Wray character and gets the wrong idea. Mayhem ensues. Think Three’s Company meets King Kong meets The Odd Couple. Trust me on this.
8. Fire Jack Black. Two problems with Black – one, he has the same expression the whole movie which means either he can’t act or he’s intentionally doing a bad job. In either case it doesn’t help the film. Second, since we’re used to him being funny, we keep waiting for him to break out into song, a la School of Rock.
9. If you insist in making the movie last more than three hours, can we get a bathroom break?
Why 9? Why not 10? Because that’d be too predictable. Speaking of predictable, how about you let Kong live and have the other characters die since none of them are particularly interesting?
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