Sunday , April 21 2024
Women should not be automatically expected to have children.

Marriage and Children are No Longer Top Female Priorities

According to an article at the Daily Beast, many Americans are warming up to a child-free lifestyle for many reasons. Nearly half of all Americans are single. It’s starting to seem like single adults and childless couples are becoming more prevalent and will continue to become more prevalent in the future. Apparently, this isn’t just happening in the United States either: 30 percent of German women have reported that they do not plan on having children.

Parenthood is not a priority for everyone and neither is marriage. Some people, like myself, would rather travel the world, have an awesome career, and/or follow other passions in life. As illustrated in this Guardian article, we all have choices. Children are a choice, not an inevitable milestone. They are no longer seen as an economical or cultural necessity. With reliable methods of contraception and caring for the elderly, children aren’t a necessity anymore.

Choosing to not have children is an intensely personal decision. Most people, whether single or in relationships, who make this choice have other pursuits and simply don’t have the desire to have children. It shocks me that, despite the fact that we live in the 21st century, people seem almost disgusted by the fact that I don’t want children. Not wanting kids doesn’t make me heartless, broken, stupidly indecisive, immature, cold, or selfish; it makes me perfectly normal. My decision to abstain from motherhood is incredibly personal and not up for debate or discussion by anyone. To me, it’s incredibly sad that women like myself get shunned for not wanting to have children.

Relinquishing the sole ownership of my body has never appealed to me. For example, I never played with baby dolls as a child. While ultimately creating life is a beautiful part of life, the whole process of childbirth has always seemed incredibly constraining to me and the whole process seems repulsive. I would rather finish my Bachelor’s degree, obtain a graduate degree, travel the world, and have a career I love. If that’s unusual, then I certainly don’t want to be normal.

People constantly say “Well, you don’t know love until you have children” and that is absolutely ridiculous. I know what love is and it isn’t resenting a child that I have never desired. Most people who say things like this are jealous because their lives are so miserable. It’s incredibly annoying and insulting when people tell me that I’ll want kids in a few years. I am a woman, not a baby factory and it disgusts me that I am pressured to do so. Why and how does it affect you if I choose to never have children? I am ultimately in charge of my own body and life. Even though I like children, I don’t see why I am under any obligation to have them.

Some argue that children are essential to a healthy marriage and relationships. If I ever do decide to get married, I don’t see why I should have to have a child to glorify my own ego. I’m a smart, loving, funny, beautiful woman: is that alone not enough for a partner? I have a lot to offer and would want someone who would want me for who I am. Besides, if I ever did come to the point where I regretted not having a child, I could always adopt or foster a child at a later point in my life.

To be frank, most married couples with children seem miserable. They’re always tired, busy, and seldom have lives that are fully theirs. Plus, many women who give up their career to have children end up being resentful and, in my opinion, that’s no way to live. OF course, there are just as many women who love being a mother. But it breaks my heart to see women who could have done so much more turn into their husband’s “dream woman” and personal Stepford Wife, as opposed to their own individual woman. These are woman who could have changed the world, but instead they act as a housekeeper and personal possession of their husband. I don’t want to lose my identity to either a spouse or a child. Unlike most women, I don’t feel the need to have a child in the future to validate myself or some archaically ridiculous status quo.

So, when should you bring this up in a relationship? In my opinion, it depends on how you meet the other person. If you have an internet dating profile, I feel that your desire to not have children should be clearly stated. However, if you meet someone in a more traditional way, then you need to be upfront and honest when things are looking pretty serious or when the other person bring it up. However, you can’t be abrasive about it either.

Am I condemning people who have children? Absolutely not! Plenty of my friends and relatives have called having children a rewarding life experience. However, plenty of other people I know often complain about their children and how they wish they could work, go back to school, and do other things to better themselves. While I love children, they simply hold no interest for me and I don’t see why I should be expected to have them. Instead of feeling pressured to have children for any reason, women should feel free to pursue their dreams, whether that means being a full-time housewife or being a CEO.

About Kate Derringer Barclay

Kate Derringer Barclay is the pseudonym of a freelance writer and blogger. Kate Derringer Barclay is also working on her first book.

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  1. Keith… bringing an innocent soul here who did NOT consent… who will go through much pain and suffering in his/her life and eventually die… just because you “want” to “have a baby” and it’s just “what people do” and it’s ‘natural” is perhaps the most selfish thing you can do.

    Oh yeah WANT TO. Parents have babies because they WANT babies. Pursuing the life that you think will make you fulfilled is what EVERY single human being does. Trying to guilt someone into doing what YOU selfishly want them to do to fulfill whatever biases and insecurities you have is pretty lame.

    The childfree are no more selfish than you are. And probably quite a bit less since you can’t seem to even stop your attempt to control other people’s lives over the internet. That’s certainly not a SELFLESS choice, mr. Judgy.

    If you really want to BENEFIT someone else, help somebody already here. That may not mean parenting (as in adoption), it may mean something else. There are a million ways to make a REAL contribution in this world. Fucking someone and making a baby, isn’t one of them.

    Also, it’s not selfless to raise your own child. It’s called a responsibility. You don’t raise your own child out of the goodness of your heart, you do it because you chose to take on a responsibility and it is now your responsibility to take care of it. Good God. I know you’ve probably procreated, but I wish you hadn’t because we don’t need more of THAT in the gene pool.

    Also, who cares if the “FAMILY” is disintegrating… the whole WORLD is disintegrating because people can’t seem to figure out that mindless exponential reproduction on a finite planet is finite resources is a bad thing. Proving once again that evolution doesn’t favor intelligence… just the morons who can manage to reproduce… a not impressive feat by the way. If a Cocker Spaniel can do it, I wouldn’t brag about it. I bet you think your dog is Mother Theresa if she procreated, too.

  2. You don’t think it’s “all about me” to bring a child here just because you “want one” when there are a lot of perfectly good children in need of good homes? When there are 7 BILLION PEOPLE here? Holy shit, what planet are YOU living on?

    You can give and care for people without popping a baby out. I know this is boggling to you since the most creative contribution to the world you can think of is the human beings produced from your jizz, but really… TRY to be more creative.

    Also a big part of many of the problems you’re bringing up has to do with the ONE problem NO ONE wants to talk about (because it interferes with their selfish desires is my guess)… OVERPOPULATION!

    As for decent family and caring parents, I had and have an AMAZING parents. My parents are so awesome my husband and I live across the street from them and we LIKE that. My mom is a very cool lady and I had a very stable and loving home environment growing up. That does not mean I have to want to make babies and raise them. This is probably going to prove to be a newsflash to you but different people want different things in life.

    Some people want to be brain surgeons. Some people want to be writers. Some people want to be architects. You get the picture. Some people want to be mothers and fathers… and some people do not.

    My mom wanted to have babies from the time she was a little kid. She couldn’t WAIT to grow up and get married and have kids. She really wanted to be a mother! She didn’t want a kid as a status symbol (as they so often are now). She didn’t want a kid to do what society ordered her to do. She didn’t want a kid for any stupid lame reasons. She wanted to be a PARENT.

    Parenting is hard work. It is a JOB. And it is not a necessary job for anybody to take on with this many people on the planet. It needs to be something you WANT to do.

    I have never had the urge or desire to procreate. Just didn’t have it. I never saw myself as a mother, never wanted to be a mother. I’ve been married for almost 12 years. My husband doesn’t want kids either. We’re very happy together. If you think me making him happy and supporting and loving him is selfish, then wow.

    Life is not a one-size-fits-all script, and actually I feel quite sorry for you that you cannot step outside of such a narrow box. Life is bigger than you imagine it to be, and some of us have other goals in life besides performing a basic biological function that will take so much work we won’t be able to contribute much of anything else to society.

  3. blah blah blah. Okay so I get what this is now. YOU let other people guilt you into doing what THEY thought you should do instead of what you wanted to do with your life. Now you look back with regret and jealousy and the only thing you can think to do is manipulate others to follow the life script you thought you HAD to follow. Nice.

  4. Thank you! No worries though… I don’t think any woman who isn’t a completely weak-willed nutcase is going to go make a baby just because “Keith from the Internet” told her she was selfish if she didn’t.

  5. Alrighty, Keith… let’s talk about being completely full of ego and self-absorbed. What I’ve gathered so far is that YOU think it’s toxic to want different things than YOU want out of life. Or to do different things than YOU think are best. So really this is ALL ABOUT YOU and what you think people SHOULD do and think and want in order not to be selfish according to what YOU think is selfish. I don’t want to have to point out how much irony there is here. Do you not think that perhaps pontificating to people on the internet about what they SHOULD be/do/want according to YOUR preferences and priorities is a tad bit selfish? I’m just curious if this works both ways or if your bullshit only spews the one way.

  6. Hi Keith, I just wanted to say, I was relieved to see your comment. As an educated woman who has given up her career for her child – probably what the author disparagingly refers to as a Stepford wife – at great sacrifice to my personal identity – I too look around the world and wonder what the hell is wrong with everyone else.

  7. I agree life is not about having children or being married; it is about who we become… I am content single, although I have been open to marriage….I always wanted children (5 to be specific) but was never blessed in that manner; it is too bad that our society is so focused on everyone being part of a couple and having children that they are missing the point of life. I wonder if I would have missed it too if things had been different for me…

  8. “Having raised one child that was not my own and another that is, I can tell you that the feeling you get is quite different.” while I have not been blessed with biological children, I have raised other children and could not have loved them more…. My sister has both biological and adopted children and assures me that it is NOT different; I have seen her adopted daughter display tendencies and similarities reminiscent of my sister and myself and caught myself having to remind myself she is adopted; my heart leaps with the same pleasure and love when any of her children do something cute or notable….. perhaps this is a gender difference?

  9. “Apparently you are all missing my point. Our society is based on greed. Its all about ME these days.” GOOD POINT,,, since I was not blessed with a good husband or biological children, I have found other ways to give and care to my extended family as well as unrelated individuals that I now consider “family”.

  10. Dear 3-named apparently young feminist author with pseudonym,

    Methinks thou dost protest too much. Do what you like, of course. You see, nature has a funny way of handling those who share your “values.” It’s called evolution. Those who think investing in themselves and their own amusement is somehow a noble existence obviously haven’t walked past a graveyard to recognize the obvious…ultimately, no one cares but yourself in your personal “accomplishments.” And then when you’re buried for eternity under 6 feet of dirt, no one else will care or remember, for eternity.

    It’s not “society” telling you that you’re a fool for chasing fleeting personal moments of beauty, career, power, education, etc. It’s evolution. Those people who are trying to educate you are trying to save you from yourself, because you’re obviously a fool. You see, everyone who has children has lived two lives…one with children and one without. What great advice to have from people who have lived in both worlds, and can compare the two experiences first-hand. Having children, and experiencing their lives with them from their first breathe, is a life-altering experience. It is a permanent change in viewpoint, priorities, values, etc.

    To dismiss such people as appearing to be “miserable” from all the work and responsibility shows your shallowness, not theirs.

    Only a fool could dismiss such rich first-hand information, and replace it with what you “think” having a child will mean to you. Trust me, no one knows until it’s experienced first-hand. You are apparently too arrogant, young, naive, etc. to understand that what you “think” pales to those who “know.”

    And your comment that you are intelligent, beautiful, etc. and will be a terrific gift to some future partner also shows your arrogance. Your “gifts” have a limited shelf-life, you see, and all of these supposed wonderful characteristics will fade absolutely. You are dying every single minute, every hour, every day. A trip to Thailand, a promotion to CEO, an extra diploma to hang on the wall, will mean nothing in the blink of an eye. And when your “beauty” fades, as it surely will, and with no other meaningful activity to share with your significant other than another Saturday night dinner for 2 or a night at the opera, he/she will have every reason to begin noticing other alternatives to this closed lifestyle, with better examples of “beauty” and youth readily available, perhaps even around your office, as your wrinkles deepen with time.

    But the love of a child, grandchildren, etc. transcends time.

    So go ahead, do what you will, and feel free to inspire others to follow you in a self-absorbed view of the world. It doesn’t matter. Evolution will take care of you. You, and your “accomplishments” will disappear into a meaningless haze that just might turn up in a future Google search on page 257 some 80 years from now. But perhaps given your value system you’d be proud of that. But who cares. No one else will.

    Most others would rather be remembered as Grandma Kate who had the infectious laugh, warm bear hug, and terrific apple pie.

    It’s worked for thousands of years of civilization. But you know better !! You’re either really smart, or an ignorant fool. I’ll put my money on the latter…..

    • Yes cause I’m sure you have any clue as to who your great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather was or what he did.

    • Seems you cast a lot of stones, many things transcend time, mathmatical equations, laws of physics, and LOVE, a word many times missused. Whether one LOVES their grandchildren or some other pursuit seems not to be the big deal, rather that one loves as fully and as honestly as possilbe in ones pursuits in life. The blinking of an eye can change many things, I could focus all my energy on my daughter having a baby so I can be a grandfather, but I DO NOT…it is her life to live how she chooses, everyone has a life to live (though, of course some have far more CHOOSES within their live than others, due to biology, genetics, environment, etc.). My grandmother, who I certainly loved, thought it awful that I did not want children and a wife, which I now have, marrying at 35 (after her death) and not even having a “date” (one that I set up myself) until age 24, no high school prom or other dances, no high school football games, I really felt no desire for those things and certainly did not envision myself with grandchildren at age 60, and still do not dwell “on horror of having no grandchildren”. People who seem to think others can not be happy alone, or with no children may have never experienced such things themselves, nothing wrong with them having children, and nothing wrong with others not having them…Fools can often shout fool while while failing to notice the LOG in their own EYE!

    • You want a legacy? You want to be remembered? Go build a fucking library. You’re grandchildren won’t love yoy, they’ll think you’re old and stinky and boring, they won’t tell their children about you. You will be forgotten. So go build a library or a homeless shelter or even a hospital, people will remember you for hundreds of years longer than your ungrateful grandchildren who only want your inheritence.

      • Wow, not only cynical, but can’t spell worth anything!

      • disqus_tj4oVnIzLp

        hahahaha… Maybe that’s how YOU feel about your grandparents.

        What a sad family you must come from. Getting old will certainly be very very hard for you.

        Remember, you will one day be the “old stinky boring” person you go on about.

        Again… why do you care SO MUCH. You know you are missing something and it SCARES YOU.

        All the thought in the world will not change your genetics.

        • Cool story, bro.

          I could fight with you, but just like all the thoughts in the world won’t change our genetics, all the attempts to educate the ignorant will fall on deaf ears.

          So, you can go leave believing that you’re right and I’ll have some epiphany one day, I’ll go on and live my life.

  11. Honestly I dont care if you dont want to have children as for myself i find sex repulsing but i want to extend my legacy. However when you started to talk about “women being husband’s dream woman and personal Stepford Wife’ you’ve made my list of people to either execute or banish from my country when im king of the 4th rome then all shall feel the wrath of Rome. Or at least people who if i just end up being my smaller dream of being a cop instead of my ultimate dream of making the 4th roman empire i shall be a very dirty cop if i ever find you good day madam and enjoy which ever punishment that you get from me.

  12. I would like to protest! This article makes it seem as if there are only 2 options a woman can have: kids on the one hand, and travel and career on the other! I refuse to agree with this, I refuse to accept this! There are plenty of career women who are good mothers and I’m planning on being one of them!

    I’ve been fighting for what I wanted my whole life: went from BA to Masters, passed the CPA, and soon I’ll be a PhD. My career as a university professor has already started – I work hard and I play hard! I love going to conferences all across the country and (so far once) in Europe. And, the best part is that my husband is fully supportive and when he can, he accompanies me in my travels. He accepts me as I am – determined, a little control freak, and a terrible cook! 🙂

    Still, we can’t wait to have a child (or two) and, although the first few years will be a little rough, to travel places together as a family and enjoy life to its fullest. We did not get married to have children, we just love each other. Whenever I see a little one, I think that he or she will be a little version of one of us – just priceless. We both come from backgrounds where family comes first, where you selflessly give your child everything you can in order for them to succeed and not just what they “earn”. We’d like them to love us back the way we love our parents, even as we grow old!

    Some will probably say that I am day dreaming and that I am a fool if I believe that I can be both a mother and an accomplished researcher. But I am planning to continue fighting for what I want, as always! I’m an idealist and I think that women don’t have to chose between the two roles and that they can be happy.

    • I agree. It’s tough but you can have a very successful career and have a family as well. I do. It helps to have support around. The early years with kids were hard but now that they’re in school it’s a lot of fun. They key is a supportive partner. If your partner isn’t contributing, you’re screwed. Can I also say I think single parent’s walk on water.

    • I agree!

    • BlueEyesBrittany

      Well hope your relationship stay that way ..;

      yes the key is a supportive and contributing partner .. and find the right balance.

    • Kind of sick and narcissistic to want a child because they will be a little version of yourself. This is why I laugh when people tell me I am selfish for not wanting children.

  13. I loved your article. I am 58 with 2 children (22 and 20) and have a very close relationship with them. My daughter does not want children nor get married and I commend her for that.

    My now ex-husband is the patriarchal male who expects the woman to take care of everything, raise the kids, have a job outside the home, take care of the house and look gorgeous. He never gave me money because he and his parents said that i am not deserving because I am not contributing. WHAT? Raising kids is a full time job and I loved it. However I did not get his support. Had I gotten a job he would have expected me to give him all my money so he can spend it on himself and he would have nagged me until he got every penny. And it still would not have been good enough. To him I was just an object to be used.

    It was this inequality that I hated. I love kids, but I can’t do it alone. My daughter doesn’t want anything to do with her dad. He is a hoarder and his money goes into buying stuff rather than providing for his family. He is now going through his second divorce.

    • BlueEyesBrittany

      My father was the same … so i understand.

      I never married either …

      All this shows is that your husband is a very selfish man …. no denying this… just like my dad was;

      I am glad i never married …i see so many women divorced raising children on their own without contribution or support from their husbands who have decided to move on into yet another relationship with another woman who will be there only for the sex and the housewifing …

      So unless marriage is meaninful and a mutual responsible relationship …. most women are better off away.

  14. Crime rates in North America have been DECREASING since the 1980s. News coverage increased. Source:

  15. I understand your sentiment. I am a stay at home mom of 4. My kids drive me to levels I never knew I was capable. Although alcohol helps you deal 🙂
    I never thought I would have kids, neither did my partner.
    Our kids almost ruined our relationship, between lack of sleep, the constant bickering, the messes etc. It was horrible. They are still horrible but we were brought together because of it. Our youngest is three and after 16 years of being together our relationship has never been better. We are in love and on the same team. As crazy as our kids make us I have them to thank for my most incredible relationship. Its hard to explain in a comment section, but it is akin to what victims share. It’s a common bind the trauma and stress of child raising brings you together in this simpatico like bind. We are fortunate to have very beautiful highly intelligent children. They have many moments of non annoying behavior. But like most things in life it’s easier to remember the bad.

  16. Hey, just came across your article. The only thing I would add is that you can also choose not to have children AND not to be the CEO of a company. While I have definitely ventured out more in life than my friends who had children and at 55 I look waaaaaaaaaaaay younger than they do, I also just very simply choose not to have kids; just didn’t want them. Could never see the why of giving up my life for that reason. There was no grand alternative, no something to “in some way make up for my loss”, no awesome, amazing career. There was no loss, just didn’t wanna do it, the reality of a being hanging on my breast for life was clear to me at a very young age. And, I have to say that in looking at all of my friends not one of them has even one child that makes me regret my decision!!! Not One!

  17. I’m glad I don’t have a child tying me to someone!! I have a great marriage because of the two of us, not because of going through a rough patch with children!! Happy to be free of the burden and enjoy my life!!

  18. the people that told you that having kids helps your life and marriage were wrong. research has proven that having kids gets in the way of marriages and causes trouble to drift apart. People with teenagers are stressed and people with young children are miserable. you can look it up on

    • True, although the main is reason is that we live in a society that has one of the highest incidences of child maltreatment in the world. The United States is NOT a parent friendly environment, nor are children here seen as an asset. They are seen as an expense and a drain. One can “look this up” too. The author of this article lives in the right country for not having children. I don’t mind if people don’t propagate — we already have an overpopulation problem in the world. Just don’t be less than understanding and considerate about what parents go through and then gripe that people aren’t being sensitive to your experience. parenting is MUCH harder, trust me. Yet parenting is also worthwhile.

      • BlueEyesBrittany

        Well i have sisters who live in the States and have children … and they know how costly it is …

        So maybe it is very costly to have children … but that does not mean that those who have children are not happy to have them … they are just aware of the situation

  19. no shit and you can thank men for that!

  20. having a child is rewarding and I wouldn’t trade my son for the world but i wouldn’t get married if my life depended on it! hell no..

  21. I agree with this article. Thanks for writing it.

  22. disqus_tj4oVnIzLp

    It’s pretty oblivious that the author, Kate, is doubtful about her choice not to have children. If she didn’t have doubts she wouldn’t be so offensive.

    If I say I really REALLY like the new Superman move… that it “changed my life”, Kate wouldn’t be offended. She might, instead, just be curious. It would not have impact because SHE REALLY DOESN’T CARE ABOUT IT.

    But, if I suggest that “becoming a Father was the single most important event in my life” she’s offended? We all know why.

    Further, it is arrogant of her to think she knows what the experience is like that she never has had.

    Does she know what it’s like to look down on a new human who has “your ears and fingers and hands” or the feeling you get when you lock eyes for the first time. NOPE

    ohh, and good luck getting that with a foster child. Not that it isn’t a valid choice… I’ve actually thought of doing that myself since there are so many kids in the world who have mothers and father’s like Kate. “Parent’s” who must ALWAYS come first.

    Personally, I applaud her choice to stay away from breeding. But, she will pay a price as she ages.

    I work as a physician, so I see people in all age groups, but especially the elderly. Not having kids and a family can be very very hard on the elderly. Just something to think about.

    Sure, you will always be beautiful… on the inside… but who will remember that?

    • I’ve also seen elderly in the nursing home with family and kids. They were so sad that their family never visited them. They felt forgotten and unloved. Having kids is no guarantee you’re going to have a good relationship, and it was very hard on all of them.

      Someone else I know found an elderly neighbor dead in his home. He was diabetic, lived alone, and passed out from hypoglycemia. His sons never bothered to check up on him, and he was unable to get help on his own. Apparently his own children didn’t remember him either.

    • BlueEyesBrittany

      Considering the many divorces i have witnessed around me, we are not sure who is paying what price today, whether it is the person who, acknowledging the problems in today s society, make the choice to not have children or the one who decide to have children only to find herself/himself alone in raising them with all the financial, emotional and other social problems that come with it.

  23. that is so very true now that many women have their high paying job today, and they think that they are all that but there not.

  24. Hmmm…choosing not to have kids is fine, but do you need to share the fact that you find bearing children “repulsive”? And “reliable methods…of caring for the elderly”? You must be very young and naive. How many nursing homes have you visitied? The reason having children has become such a burden is because we have become an increasingly self-centered, narcissistic and irresponsible society. And a lot of babies are born because of the above reasons. It isn’t the babies who make parent’s lives “miserable”, it is the adult’s lack of planning, ignorance of what parenting involves, and immaturity. Funny how someone who can achieve an MBA or PhD, and a successful career falls apart when it comes to raising a child.

    • I agree. There are so many friends of mine who are almost 50 that had decided that an abortion was better but is now saying that may have been the worst thing they every did because of my 3 kids. Being a person is doing what you feel you need to do. I am a writer and whether I become rich at it or just make money is all I need from my career. At least I have a love and a passion. All you other women have nothing to gain what so ever if you think that having kids will inhibit you. Actually, you are not a true person if you think your career will take over yours. THAT is selfish and a unreasonable reason for NOT having children. Remember, there are al lot of couples out there that are dying to have a child but can’t. I am willing to be of help.

      • Nobody is obliged to have children so they don’t even need a reason! It doesn’t matter if the reason is selfish or not. How is that being selfish since their hypothetical children don’t even exist?

      • BlueEyesBrittany

        And i know plenty of women whose husbands cheated on them and are divorced and find themselves raising the children on their own, without a job that pays sufficiently to cover for the expenses of raising a family and without any child support for said husbands.

        So why do you judge … women may have good reasons to stay single and not have children …. health, safety, and many others especially in the current state of affairs.

        Maybe their choice is based on the assessment of risks and liabilities of marriage and family, the unreliablility when it comes to long term, safe and faithful marriages ;;; and the conclusion that a career may be a better option for them .

  25. I think the issue is that a lot of people feel that they have the right to question someones choice to not have children, that we will change our minds or we just don’t understand……yet. After getting that over and over you start feeling harassed, leading to resentment and the feeling that you need to defend yourself. I actually do have real reasons for not wanting children, but its not the passing persons business. I don’t go up to people with children and question their choice to have kids, stop questioning mine.

  26. first of all, there are certainly not that good women to meet anymore for us men that would want to get married to have children anyway. just too many career minded women out there nowadays, and they are nothing like the Real Good Ladies that existed years ago that accepted their men for who they were which they didn’t have to be Rich either.

    • BlueEyesBrittany

      If many women are career minded as you say …. maybe it is because marriage and love have becomen the risky and unreliable business it is now … so they invest in career as a better choice for survival … and they may also like their job and contributing to society ….

      I find both very good reasons …

      • Telling IT Like It Is

        well many women years ago were much better educated than the ones that are out there today, and it is a real shame that the women of today can’t be like the real good women that we had years ago when they were the good old fashion, stay at home mom’s and cooked for their men and were very committed too.

        • So being a good woman means being under a man’s control, staying home and cooking for him…hm. I would rather be a POS woman ANY day, than play house. I refuse to take care of a fully grown man. It is not my job, and my husband is fully aware of this. Although I DO cook and clean for him, it is my CHOICE because he is in the Army and is making more money than I am making currently. It is how I help balance my lower wages. However, if I were making more money than him, I would expect him to cook and clean. Your ideas of what makes a good woman are horribly skewed and off putting. I think what makes a good individual is their mind, their spirit and how much they love the person they’re with… Maybe this is why you fail to find a “good woman”. I think your best bet would be a blow up doll. They are mindless, do not talk back, and do whatever you want in bed. Perfect mate for you I think.

  27. “But it breaks my heart to see women who could have done so much more turn into their husband’s “dream woman” and personal Stepford Wife, as opposed to their own individual woman. These are woman who could have changed the world, but instead they act as a housekeeper and personal possession of their husband. I don’t want to lose my identity to either a spouse or a child. Unlike most women, I don’t feel the need to have a child in the future to validate myself or some archaically ridiculous status quo.”

    Why are feminists so stupid. Seriously. What is becoming of our women that make them think this shit?

    The women who think like this DESERVE to be single for the rest of their life, and are everything wrong with our society. Feminism needs to die.

    • I’m a woman and I agree

      • I think you’re stupid for posting that. Single women hurt society? What the hell is the matter with you?
        And please, provide citations on how being single and/or childfree hurts anyone. Have you writen hate mail to George Clooney on how he is hurting society? What a ridiculous notion. This thread is scary conservative.
        Feminism needs to die? Then you don’t know what it is. Choice. Freedom. These things are good.

        • I thought it was scary liberal. Hide under your bed. It was not the choice, it was the negativity about motherhood from the author that JT was referring to. The author insulted the reader. Understand?

    • why? If she doesn’t want kids why do you care? People should be free to make their own choices in life. Thats what true freedom is, freedom of personal choice. I’m a guy and I feel the same way about not wanting a spouse/kids and I’m glad that is a choice that I am allowed to make.

      • I think the negativity from the author is the problem. Who cares if she doesn’t want to have kids. Good, I’m glad she knows it as some women have them and the kids pay the price.

        • BlueEyesBrittany

          Well it is because she gets a lot negativity from people who look down on her or others because she or they decided to abstain from having children.

          So the negativity is not hers but those who look down on her or others who made the choice to be childless.

    • Please don’t mistake article above as true, third wave feminism. Feminism is about choice and equality for women – not the misguided, judgmental rants of spoiled children…

      Feminism is a wonderful and necessary thing! This is… something else entirely….?

      • I know huh!Thats what i was thinking too! This is not feminism! This is a selfish/ annoying bratty rant. I’ve heard better excuses for not wanting kids than this useless trash. Why do people always blame their ” kids or would be kids” for their failure to not reach their goals/education. i think this is completely absurd. It makes me angry to think kids are always blamed for parents failure in not being able to get where they dreamed of getting. It is the responsibility of the person to reach their goal, regardless of their position in life. Do you know how many poor people or mothers have reached their goals? Many. The ones who dont put the blame on something that isnt even valid. They are the ones who truly wont ever really get what they want.

    • Why are misogynists are so stupid? What is becoming of men to make them so scared of losing their place of dominance that they think this shit?
      The men who think like this DESERVE to be single for the rest of their lives because clearly they want a mindless robot, not a wife. Misogyny and sexism are everything wrong with our society and it needs to die. And it will.

      • Feminism is wrong.
        The disease in which it masquerades should be tackled.

        It benefits only women, and not society as a whole.

        • James, while we don’t have a specific policy against trolling here at Blogcritics, some of your comments are stepping very close to the line. Just a friendly word to the wise.

          Assistant Comments Editor

      • A good start would be to stop showing commercials featuring women only (most of the time) doing all of the cleaning and all the household chores, laundry etc. and the men riding/pushing lawnmowers. Boys and young men see this and may think it’s normal to expect a girlfriend, wife or mother to be a maid and nanny to the kids AND hold down a job.

    • BlueEyesBrittany

      There would not be feminism if there had not been machos in the first place.

      Though i agree that Kate goes a little too far ….. she has a point regarding how some men treat women …

      If men were all angels, many women would marry and have children, not all women of course but many more than do now.

      I am a feminist too…. because i have seen how men can damage women through misbehaviour (abuse, cheating and the rest).

      Feminists are only women who do not want to be abused, neglected, cheated and/or abandonned by men. They look at the whole picture and realise that many men cannot be trusted for treating women properly in life and love, so they want to change the picture and since changes are sometimes not possible, they opt for a career as a safest investment for survival.

      • I disagree.

        To assume Women seek safety in a career as a safeguard against men is absurd.
        Feminists should not blame men for their lack of maternal urges.

        • You’re right. Women should not blame men for their lack of maternal urges. I blame CHILDREN for that one. When I go to a restaurant, the store, fly on an airplane or even just walk down the street and see people yelling at their screaming, misbehaving crotch droppings, I am reminded why the choice I made is the best choice I’ve EVER made.

    • Nice post.

      “I don’t feel the need to have a child in the future to validate myself or some archaically ridiculous status quo.”

      Self-absorbed feminism at its very best.

    • Feminism isnt bad, but this woman is a fool. What shes saying isnt even feministic! Feminism was all about being equal to men, not whining about not wanting to have kids because a child will ruin your life. Seems extremely selfish to me. This is why kids nowadays hate their parents. The parents that do end up having kids and act resentful make their kids resent them. The whole point of having children is to love and guide them. If this woman doesnt want to have kids, then she DOES NOT deserve to have kids.(i wish the women who didnt want to have kids wouldnt be able to bear kids, and the ones who cant bear kids but want kids would be able to bear kids. Its a shame that woman complain about not wanting kids when there are women who dream of having kids but cant. So sad.) The women have forgotten that having kids is a proud difference between the sexes, not a disgrace. And Children are not a hindrance to their career goal. Woman just like to think like that because they dont believe they are capable of having a child and studying. I have a friend who has 4 kids and is studying in college. And she never once complains. She is a true woman. That is a feministic act. To have kids, but be strong enough to have a career goal to aim for. Not complaining about how hard it is to have kids and work/study. Sounds like complete whiners of the century.

    • Yes, it doesn’t occur to her that IF the woman changes during the course of her marriage, it may be as a result of her own desires and goals changing. She assumes that if a woman changes after marriage/parenthood, it is caused by the adverse effects of her family lifestyle, rather than a willing and welcome change within herself. It is because of this that I can’t take anything she says seriously. Not because I don’t believe that she doesn’t want children, but because she has zero experience in this area.

    • You’re generalizing feminists. Plus, feminism is all about allowing women the right (and giving them the support) to choose the lives they want, whether it’s getting married and raising children, or staying single and childfree.

  28. This article seams fake

    • A seam is what you have when sewing an article of clothing. “Seem” is something you observe.

  29. I’m Pro Kids, but I used to feel that way.. about Marriage..

    My Mom was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis 15 years ago.. and Guess What? She is the Only one who works and provides for her family. It is like the old traditional “roles” have been reversed.

    My father who does not deserve the title “Dad”, does absolutely nothing to contribute.. He is a pathetic waste of space in the home.. I used to be so proud of him when he was in the Army.. Then 9/11 happened and everything went downhill.. When he was released from the Service, he did some temp-work, but unemployed for the most part.. Now he is Fat with no sliver of self-esteem. A real disgrace..

    Meanwhile, my poor crippled MS Mom is getting weaker and weaker.. and when she dies.. we’ll lose the house.. We’re going to be homeless because of Him.. She was never happy.. because of Him.. and I may Never marry.. because of Him.. not a true companion to his own Wife.. and he could Never be my “Dad”.. There are no words to describe how I feel.. I don’t hate my “Dad”, but he could have contributed more.. instead of facebook all the time..

    ..but I do love kids! Maybe I’ll adopt one day! I don’t need a man though.. I’ve seen the pain my Father caused..

    You see! We all have different reasons for marriage(or lack of) and kids.. but if I do Marry.. I might be 43.. it will probably be to an old widowed man.. or maybe my heart will stop beating and I can Marry when I die.. to an Angel..

  30. I don’t see what men get from marriage or kids either! I agree women should be able to pursue their dreams without feeling like a leper though.

  31. There is a reason why it effects everyone else.
    Ultimately their children pay for your care in your old age. Essentially by having kids they’re paying for your retirement and elderly care.
    “You reap what you sow”.
    However that said I actually agree with you. I don’t think men or women should be pressurized into having kids either.

    • And people without kids pay for education and healthcare for kids that others chose to have. All the time. They often pull more weight at work for parents who are out for child events and save to retire without help. Ridiculous argument. Not thought through obviously. Really?

      • It’s not a ridiculous argument at all although I’m not arguing with any of your points as I agree with them.

        However the fact remains that if no-one had kids there would ultimately be no-one to pay for people in their retirement.

        If you work from 25-65 and then live from 65-85 simple maths would require that you would need to pay on average 33% towards your retirement. No-one comes even close to doing that. Even those that do save rarely get above 10%.

        Both the UK and US spend an average of 5.5% on Education and healthcare for kids is fractional. It’s the elderly that cost the most in terms of both healthcare and benefits.

        The truth is that the amount people pay in during their working life doesn’t cover their retirement. It’s the main reason why the West is in such trouble. i.e. an aging population.

        It’s no surprise that the great recession or whatever you want to call it has happened just as the boomers are beginning to retire and it’s also the reason why this recession isn’t really a recession but rather than beginning of a slow process of national decline.
        Sorry I don’t want to depress you as I also don’t think that simply having more and more kids and increasing the population of planet beyond unsustainable levels is the answer either.

        • BlueEyesBrittany

          You dont make children because you want them to pay for your retirement ….. you have children because you have found someone you love and love you and have decided to have children that you will love, take care of and cared for and make happy and responsible…

          So maybe the whole retirement organisation should be revised and a new system devised.

          • I didn’t say that as individuals you have children to pay for your retirement however the original point is why do other people get annoyed at single people not having kids?

            As a society we need people to have children as I’ve already explained. It can be argued that it’s similar to not paying taxes or choosing not to work.

            By not having kids you are expecting others to essentially pay for you in your retirement when you haven’t paid in enough either in taxes or in your pension plans.

            This is what justifies people getting pissed at childless adults.

            I agree with you though it should be a choice but that also means that childless adults should pay far more in tax the adults with kids.

          • This argument is sound in, like, 1950. Don’t be fooled by textbook economics: our children’s money is long spoken for. It’ll go to pay off the massive national debt (and less directly, to coat the pockets of the rich) leaving nothing for ma and pop to retire on. We will be working well into our 80s regardless of how many of us have gone the parenting route. In today’s world and the world beyond today, less (humans) is more.

          • I don’t disagree with that statement either. But why do you think there is such national debt. Do you not think it might have something to do with the boomers retiring? What has come before is just the small shockwaves before the BIG one.

            They never paid enough in or had enough kids although they did promise themselves lovely retirement plans that they never paid for which is why the economy is in such a mess. It’s no surprise that the growing economies of the world are economies with less older people to younger people.

            Again that’s not and argument for having more kids in world with finite resources but it’s not just textbook economics but reality.

            On the issue of working till your 80. If you ran a company would you hire an 80 year old?

            No social services and retirement will continue to be funded through printing more money, devaluing the currency and ultimately making the workers (the rich have their money tied up in other assets) who mostly live on their take home pay poorer.

            It’s either that or tax and major austerity.

            The US can do the former at the moment because the dollar is the world’s reserve currency but that’s not going to last forever and once that happens the US will be in the same position as Europe.

          • The big one might not be actually be an event like Lehman’s but just rather continued national decline until the workers in the US are as poor as the emerging markets.
            Quite frankly I don’t live in the US so I wouldn’t know but here it’s not too far off that already.
            The politicians have done a very good job covering it up.

        • No lie, in Japan adult diapers have outsold baby diapers as of 2011 or 2012 (I forget which year).

  32. I have chosen to stay at home with my 2 children and plan on homeschooling when there school age. I used to have the career before kids. I resent what you say about step ford wife/ husbands dream woman could have been so much more. I am effecting the future, my children’s future, our society’s future. My career before kids was just a job. I was completely replaceable. I have a job that I am not replaceable And impacts the world way more than when I worked a paying job.

    It’s fine to choose not to have children but don’t be hateful and disrespectful to the people that are working hard to raise our next generation. It’s not an easy job…your 9 to 5 is a drop in the hat compared to motherhood.

    • Good for you and you are right as rain. The author has some real issues… denial being the first.

    • Homeschooling? At least learn the difference between THEIR and THERE first… And the author is just asking why people with children can’t accept her desicion, instead of looking down on her! And you know as well as me that some people should never have children, but the society says they should and of course they get money from the government so they don’t have to work. Watch Teen Mums… their parents have definately not done their job, contraception would be smart move.

      • The proper usage in this instance is they’re. As in, ‘they are’. Perhaps you’re not in a position to correct the grammatical errors of others. Just a thought.

    • BlueEyesBrittany

      And don t be hateful to those who may not want or decide, for all good reasons, not to have any.

      Plus we may be replaceable in a job … but likewise in a man s heart and life. I can attest to this from my own experience and from all i see happening around …. not that i would wish this to happen to you ….

      but dont think that there is more guarantee in a marriage than there is in a career… it is foollish to think so..and i truly wish i did not have say so.

  33. Unless your mind changes or you have a change of heart, I hope you don’t have kids…it’s sounds like you would be a terrible mom.

    • “it sounds”

      • BlueEyesBrittany

        I know some people who decided to have children and are terrible parents or not so perfect.

        So how do you know and can tell for sure that this girl if she decided to have a child wouldn t be better than you …

        • Because obviously she hates having kids. Thus, if she had a kid, she wouldnt love it. Poor kid, better not be the child of a mother who would hate her own child. Thats what Lron meant.

          • “She hates having kids”…that would imply that she already has children. I think what you meant is “she hates the idea of having children”. I think anyone who LIKES the idea needs a psychiatric evaluation.

  34. The Road Less Taken

    She is not being hateful towards people who have children. The resentment comes from a society that looks down on women who have chosen not to marry and have children. It becomes exhausting when people continuously ask “When are you getting married?” or “When are you going to have a baby?” Marriage and children are a lifestyle choice and some people don’t like that choice. If you are offended because she doesn’t like the choice others have made for her own reasons, doesn’t she have the right to be offended by the people, like many of you, who think it is the only choice to make. To many people make life choices based on peer pressure. We all need to learn how to respect others, mind our own business and pay better attention to our own lives. Just because it makes you happy doesn’t mean it has to make everyone happy.

  35. Great article. I enjoyed reading this.

  36. Dear precious Kate, who so obviously lacks the skill and requisite life experience to author an article such as the one above…

    Allow me to clarify: I am not offended by the point you’ve made; I’m offended by the way you’ve made it. Still, I’d like to ask for your help. I am a Fulbright scholar, finishing a Ph.D in epidemiology. In addition to that, I’m a happily married woman, who would like to validate myself by having a child in the near future. Do you think I should reconsider? I’m concerned that as soon as my hypothetical baby enters the world through the repulsive process of childbirth, I’ll immediately turn from a capable, doctorate-level research scientist, into my husband’s personal Stepford wife/”dream woman.” That sounds bad. Given your expertise on marriage and motherhood, could you offer some advice about how I can avoid becoming my husband’s housekeeper and personal possession?

    Kate, I too am a smart, funny, beautiful and loving woman. However, I am suspicious that my husband wants to turn me into his personal baby factory. What should I do? I also want to remain in control of my body and life! Surly having a child will ruin my ability to finish school, build a career I love, and travel. Ugh!

    In all seriousness, Kate, you scare me. While I agree that choosing to abstain from motherhood is a personal decision that does not imply selfishness, I take issue with your level of abrasiveness towards women who make other choices. Sweet, sweet, ignorant Kate, who is still presumably (hopefully) an undergraduate… let me offer you some advice… (1) participate in a literary workshop before you publish another blog – your writing needs serious work; (2) if you expect others to respect your lifestyle choices, you must first respect theirs; (3) generalizations based on your own limited anecdotal experiences are rarely accurate.

    Thanks and you’re welcome!
    Susan B

    • BlueEyesBrittany

      I don t think that Kate is abrasive with any woman who decides to have children.

      She is merely giving her thoughts on the matter and how, for various reasons, it is not her choice to have a baby.

      She is also reporting how some women are very happy to have children and how it is very demanding for others.

      And she does not generalize …. i think it is you who is.

  37. I agree. I don’t know about other people but where I live they feel if you’re not married or with kids you’re useless. Single women have it hard. I can’t get a job because I’m not married & childless. if I want help to go back to school or to put my student loans into forbearance I need to married or with a kid. its not fair. they chose to have a baby and to be married. I don’t think life should be made easier for them and harder for the singletons.

    I despise all those who are married and with kids. they whine and complain about every little thing. its like stfu some people will never be able to have kids. in my case men shun me worst than unfriendly dog. but I can’t be accepted as a human without doing magic tricks with my vagina. this was not what I signed up for.

  38. Why would someone want to do more things for others than themselves? Do you know what the number one instinct in humans and other animals is? Self preservation. I’m the most important person in my life so why would I focus on other people more than myself? If you don’t put yourself before other people you will be trampled, used, and will suffer for it. There’s a huge different between not giving a shit about other people in your life and showing self importance. Humans don’t live to serve others, we live to serve ourselves.

  39. I agree with you as a I am a man in my late 30s but don’t care for kids at all, I wish there were more women like you [Personal contact info deleted] take care.

  40. “Besides, if I ever did come to the point where I regretted not having a child, I could always adopt or foster a child at a later point in my life.”

    Except time does not wait for regrets. If you regret, the thoughts were chosen for you while you allowed your own to drown.

  41. I agree completely. Each person has to choose their calling and decide on what’s right for them.

    Ultimately decisions that are made with a mindful approach that is balanced and considered are good decisions.

  42. Fay Levoir Spencer

    I am a deeply maternal person and would not swap my life for the world but it isn’t for everyone. Follow your heart and your dreams.

  43. the women of today are certainly nothing like the good women that we had years ago, and that is why many of us guys can’t meet a decent one today.

    • BlueEyesBrittany

      Oh why ….. you think men were ever decent and good ???

      I am certain that if a woman loves a man and he loves her too and treats her very weill …. she will never want to leave him ….. so really it is so ea sy to always put the blame on women

      • SpeakingTheTruth

        yes it is

        • The problem here isn’t in finding decent women but decent, and also egalitarian, men who any of us women would be willing to marry and spend our lives with. A large number of men these days are only into womanizing, not settling down and being faithful to only one women their entire lives (hence the high divorce rates in the West and the high infidelity rates everywhere in the world).

          I have not yet married nor had children despite having had numerous men after me simply because I myself am decent and did not wish to sleep myself around with them but was only looking for something potentially serious. However, fortunately for me, I have since childhood been very ambitious, well travelled and education oriented, so marriage was not the only thing on my mind — it was certainly not a “career goal” — and the prospect of having children was not a great concern since I did not care one way or the other about whether I should have them. I’m not against having them but I’ve never been crazy about them either.

          I also resent the notion many men have, which I heard even more when living in the Middle East, that being a woman I would automatically be eager to have them “later”, or that as soon as I gave birth to one, I’d instantly turn into a matronly woman who could think of nothing but the child. This is one of the things that recently turned me off the prospect even more: No man, and no person for that matter, can tell me what I will feel, or “should” feel.

          The result of my not yet having been able to find a guy decent enough to marry, who wanted a decent woman, was that I was therefore free to attain a great deal of higher education and to go overseas once again and travel extremely extensively, living a life that I find amazingly fulfilling. I had always thought that I’d be married by now, but the Western world being what it is, this has not happened yet, which for me has been a good thing since I have managed to fulfil many of my dreams and talents.

          In reference to the man who sees women as “baby making machines”, we need to realize that we are not merely biological organisms. We also have minds, personalities, talents and interests which very much need fulfilling as well. Were men merely sperm making machines without the ability to use choice, there’d be no committed relationships at all, since men would only be running around trying to impregnate as many women as possible. We know that we are more than the sum total of our biologies; this is why we do have careers, achieve higher education, and form meaningful relationships from which we can often attain love (and not just from our babies).

          I do agree that marriage and having children is a choice. I myself have been criticized, particularly in developing countries in which I have spent time, for living abroad, travelling extensively, having a higher profession, educating myself extensively academically, and not yet marrying or having children (neither of the latter two being my choice but only the way things worked out: but when I look back at the offers I had had before going abroad, none of them would have been mature enough for me to risk marrying let alone having children with since I also would not wish to be stuck alone as a single parent when I’m not the motherly type in the first place).
          While I heard most of these comments in developing countries, it is a shame that the West has not yet matured itself enough that many of its members are still stuck in the same mind-set. As for the fear of the human population dying out, with the world in crisis due to overpopulation which causes such phenomena as global warming and economic crises, we are apparently not in any danger of the former happening any time soon.
          People who become so emotional and abrasive over the decision to remain childless of people they do not know seem themselves to be unhappy with their own lives and perhaps somewhat jealous and resentful.

          • SpeakingTheTruth

            well for your information i am looking for a good woman to settle down with, and i don’t play the games that many of you women are doing nowadays. many of the women out there still need to grow up, and the women of today are nothing like the real ladies that we had years ago. just look how long our parents and grandparents were married, and many of them were very committed to one another as well. the good old fashion down to earth women that we had back then are not around anymore, and it is very sad for us very serious men that are still looking to meet a real good one. my aunt and uncle just celebrated their 65th year together, and they met in Junior High School. now that many of the women out there have their high paying job, they really think that they are all that along with the very bad attitude problem that they have nowadays. and why in the world should us men blame ourselves? and what about us innocent men that want a woman to share our life with?

          • SingleBlackFemale

            I agree that it is a tad difficult to find “real ladies that we had years ago.” That is, however, in part because the “real ladies” of today have access to far more than the women of the past would have ever imagined possible. There was a sense of dependency that was instilled in women of our past, that is slowly fading away in modern times. Still, I am curious, sir: considering the various advancements that women have been able to take advantage of over the last 3/4 decades, would you prefer a woman that wanted nothing more than to tend to your home and rear your children; or, would you prefer a woman who was educated, driven, and independent? I am finding that it is almost impossible to find the two in one woman–without some sort of self-sacrificing on her part. Oh, and let’s not forget that you want your “real lady” to also be easy on the eyes, yes?

            As a 28 year-old (recently single) woman, I am constantly faced with a particular dilemma where I must ask myself whether I should “dumb down” my experiences and/or successes in order to reassure a man of his manhood. More times than not, this is the case for me. I recently had a guy tell me that I “inspired” him. Of course, I was flattered; but, time proved that he also despised me for the same reasons that I inspired him. I’m definitely not about pointing fingers or playing the blame game, but I stand firm in this: be what you seek. If you seek bliss, love, happiness, romance, consistency, communication, loyalty (the list goes on), be those things. In the grand scheme of things, we are what/who we attract in many ways.

            I, too, have decided that the child-rearing life is not one that I am cut out for. There are certain freedoms that I fear will become null and void should I ever make the decision to have children. With this line of thinking, an individual like myself should steer clear away from having children. People like me will surely regret having children should that decision manifest.

            I think that at the end of the day, people should respect other people’s values, beliefs and opinions. The author is not interested in everyone agreeing, and I doubt that she even expected everyone to agree (clearly). She is simply using this opportunity to share some values, beliefs and opinions that are relevant to her.

            Be well. )

          • SpeakingTheTruth

            well certainly with much more GAY WOMEN nowadays that exist, it is much harder for us straight guys looking to seriously meet a good straight woman to share our life with. can’t blame myself since the women of today have certainly changed, and not for the good at all. i know other men like me that have this problem too, since much more women these days are certainly into other women which does add to the problem too. i am very tired of going out all the time and i can never seem to meet a good one, and i really don’t expect to get CURSED at by a woman that i really wanted to meet which shocked me very much. that just shows you how women have certainly CHANGED over the years. very obvious, why it is very hard today for many of us men.

          • Maybe they tell you that they’re gay because they don’t want to talk to you, and cuss you out because you’re creepy and have no game

    • I for one am a good faithful loving wife of two years, been together for 5 years and am only 22. There are times where I have been the bread winner, and times where my husband has supported me when I lost my job. I love my husband and would give my life for him if needed, but not wanting to have children does not make me a bad woman.

  44. I enjoy having my own home and not having children. I think family life can be great for people who want it and are willing to work at it. But I’ve always known that it’s not what I want. I enjoy my career, my home, my friends, and my life in general. So many of the women that I know are in a subservient position to their husbands and family, and I’ve always refused to submit to that. Even in more equal partnerships, people get tired of each other. Out of the 20 or so long-term married couples that I know pretty well, only two of those couples are happy together–and 1 of those 2 couples had an open marriage before AIDS.

    I’m starting to get really tired of people with telling me that I should get married and have kids “before it’s too late”. Ironically, the people who are most judgemental about my lifestyle are the ones in the worst marriages and/or with adult kids living at home that they are supporting.

    Also, I think it stinks how single people in the U.S. are penalized for not marrying & having kids. I’m not creating new people that need schools, services, consume resources, etc., yet the taxes I pay are downright punitive.

  45. If women don’t wish to have children them don’t. All your points are valid. In fact I know dozens of couples that should have been barred from rearing any amount of children to begin with. If you are successful in life, you will end up paying Uncle Sam 10’s of thousands of dollars it will use to raise the children of those that should not have kids in the first place, so I don’t think you will ever regret not fostering a child, you more and likely are doing it already, guess it just depends on how you look at it!

  46. So mothers who have kids are on this blog about a very personal article for the reasons the author chooses not to have kids. The only time this blog appears in search engine is when you type words like and “reasons for not having kids” or “do women lose their identity when they have children”. I stumbles across this blog because I was looking for articles precisely with that search term. So what really brings you here, ladies? Also, I’ve never heard a parent claim having a child is absolute bliss. If anything, they always say it is tough but they are glad they went through with it anyways. The author is merely suggesting that the society judging her makes her evaluate the pros and cons of being married and having a child. Also, note she didn’t say everyone ( which means the entire population) who has a kid is miserable, which means if you don’ fall into her sample size, so what exactly if your beef against her? I agree she is being defensive, but that is because her stand to remain single and childless is constantly judged. Given the way you are being defensive about being mothers or future mothers, I’m certain you are on this website because you are defensive and want to lash out. But my question is what really makes you defensive, which brings me back to the question I asked? What brings you to a website not on mothers but about a woman expressing herself on reason why she is not a mother!

    • Don’t be so judgemental, Mary2012. I stumbled across this blog because I searched for, ‘mum can finds things that others can’t see’. I’d just found my son’s watch in the same place he had just looked! This came up and I was interested enough to read her opinion.
      To have children or not is a personal decision. I have 4 and love being their mum, but I do understand that other parents haven’t had it as easy as me. Let’s face it parenthood can be a lottery. You never know what your kid is going to be like. I had a great advantage because my career was in Child Care and Education, so I’d worked with kids for 10 years before becoming a mum at 28.
      If we would all let each other be, this world would be a better place. Stop criticising each other. I was criticised because I had all 4 within 5 years… our choice, I didn’t want to be having kids in my 40s. My friend was criticised for spacing hers out. (Twins then a 8-year gap). I was criticised for being a Stay-at-home-mum. She was criticised for going back to work. Why should we all conform to one stereotype?
      My only reservation with the prevalence of people not wanting children is that if it really catches on the it eventually will lead to our own extinction, and that is a worrying thought.

      • Don’t worry Silby, People won’t stop having babies. But population control is a VERY SERIOUS problem that needs to be considered when thinking about parenthood. People often forget that we SHARE this planet, and that it would take about 8 planet earths for everyone on the planet to live like Americans. Can you imagine the war, famine and inhumane atrocities that will persist if we do not take responsibility and stop thinking with our egos and hormones and greed. If reincarnation is a reality I don’t want to come back to that mess.

    • Well put.

    • I found this website because I typed “why do people give unsolicited advice all the time”. Anyway I stayed and read the article and responses and have another perspective on life. I also agree that everyone is entitled to live their life their way.

    • I searched “i’m raising future citizens of the united states” and came upon this article.

  47. BlueEyesBrittany

    i think it is a violation of any one’s right to force anyone into marriage or into having children so i respect the choice of the author not to have children.

    I have a different stoy. I come from a family of 6 children and my dad left us when the youngest of us was 6 months old. So my mother was left to tend to the family on her own, find a job and take care of everything; It was a very hard life for her and not that easy for us either.

    So when i was in my teens, shortly after my dad left, i decided that I would only have children and the number i decided, if i found a man whom i loved, who loved me and whom i could trust for a committed FAITHFUL and loving marriage.

    Appartenly, there does not seem to be so many of them …. so i never married…. and in this day and age, with hiv, sexual liberty and the rest, it is much better to live alone than to trust a man for the kind of marriage I valued as the only kind worth marrying.

    So i am fine alone because it is much safer that way ….. I have worked all of my life so i will not find myself in the horrible situation of divorcing at 40 or 45 because my husband has found fairer pastures or with diseases because he was not being faithful to his vows of fidelity.

    It was a wise choice considering the world we live in and what i see happening every day.

    And i think many women choose this kind of life for very similar reasons as mine.

  48. i totally agree with this article glad to see someone like minded!

  49. Children are in abundant supply. Stay free to pursue your interests. This world leaves much to be desired anyway!

  50. Dear Kate,

    Reading some of the comments below, I would like to suggest people to look at the article from the author’s point of view rather than judging her from your own perspective/situation. I do agree that every woman in this world should have the right to not have children, if she chooses so. However, it goes the other way round as well. If a women decides to have children at an early age (20-22) or choose to have more children she is also stigmatized and stumbled upon by the society for not doing right, judging you as not doing it the “right” way or following the rites of passage that is “normal” (going to school, graduation, marriage and then kids).

    Every human being has the right to choose what they consider to be right for them in that phase of life. NOBODY should be judged on personal decisions in life and for not following the “NORMS” of our society.

    I had my kids during my undergrad, and am a student MOM. I try and do the best as I can for my children. At the same time, I am also striving to be successful and achieve my career goals. I think if a person learns to balance things out in life, they can really attain the happiness that they desire. I absolutely do not resent having children at a young age, as I think it is completely doable; to have children and fulfill your career goals.

    I can totally relate to your situation though, I was also shunned by people with the mentality of not having children at the “right” time. But what is really the criteria to define the RIGHT and the WRONG? The key is to stand by the decisions you make in life and embracing yourself for making those choices.

    Wishing you the best in life,

    Proud Mom of two beautiful and empowering girls.

  51. All I hear is someone defending themselves, not someone comfortable with their decision. I have no problem with a person not wanting kids, as it does not effect my own desires, but this rant doesn’t make the author look confident, it just makes her look bitter. If this isnt the case, she approached this article all wrong, because her logical reasons are clouded by her emotional stabs n tactless wording.

  52. The fact of the matter is: If every woman thought like you, the human race would cease to exist. Sure, it might take a few generations, but it would occur. Much like this author, I am embittered. I have a wife who doesn’t wish to spend time with me and would rather either cheat on me or focus solely upon her career. She looks down upon me disdainfully while I look for a job of my own.. she disdains my lack of personal ambition. But, all I wish to do is to be a good provider. But when the woman I love neither wants nor needs such provision.. what purpose do I then serve in the marriage? Someone to talk with? She doesn’t talk with me. Someone to make love to? Nope. It is as if I am a useless speck of dirt she wishes to wash off. The problem with a world in which women can *with help* become anything they want to be is that not all women care about their men or the survival of the human species. Much like men of recent past, women have become power-hungry selfishly-driven being. I guess one could say that men had it coming, but that doesn’t really justify the actions of these women or make it any more tolerable for us men whose love is being ignored..whose masculinity is being obliterated.

    • Perhaps you married the wrong woman. She doesn’t need you because she is happy to be independent. It seems to me you need someone that is more traditional and happy to be a housewife to give meaning to your life as a provider. There’s women like that out there just have to look for what you are looking for. Not everyone is career driven.

    • It sounds like you are self entitled whiny little man…I don’t blame your wife for feeling the way she does. You wish to provide, yet you have no job! I would resent a man like that as well. Why would she want to have children with a man who couldn’t even care for himself let alone a child with out the help of his wife…the key to a successful relationship is that the two people need to be able to survive independently without the financial support of the other, otherwise it’s more of a caregiver role and less like the role of a PARTNER. It’s about being together because you LOVE each other and WANT to be together, not because you NEED someone to take care of you. I applaud your wife for stepping out of societies standards for the role of the woman and being able to support herself AND your sorry ass. How about you step up and be an adult, get a job, show a sense of independence and willingness to help take care of EACH OTHER and maybe her attitude towards you will change.

  53. I don’t want children either but there is something I consistently notice with American women that is less common in less privileged countries. American girls want to spend their best years playing around with men instead of holding one down. Which is fine, but they should realize that the best men are long gone and will not be interested in them once the party of their prime years comes to an end. I only bring this up because I keep hearing about the lack of “good men” in the media and from women I know that are my age (28). Speaking for myself and my friends of similar age, an American male in his later 20s or early 30s has either: (1) locked down a girl, (2) upgraded to the new models, (3) lost interest in relationships and either ignores women entirely or interested in hookups exclusively. The women in our age range are not of interest. I am personally on #2 of those options.

    • I’m female,22, childfree and married. Been with the same man for 5 years. Your generalization of American women does not hold true as the majority of my friends were married young as well.

      • Im glad there are some American women that are pursuing that option. I encourage my sisters to do the same thing. However, you do realize that my generalization is supported by data right? It is not just blind conjecture on personal observations.

        • I would like to see that data. Also, what exactly do you mean by “newer models”? Lmfao….as if you are comparing a woman to an iPhone? And men wonder why women think they’re morons.

          • I thought this was common knowledge but evidently not.
            Men losing interest in marriage;

            Ages of average marriage;

            Men’s hesistations in getting married;

            No, not a smartphone. Something with a much higher lemon rate and far greater consequences when it does fail. More like automobiles. Only autos that have lemon rates of at least 50%. Foreign women grasp the reality of their value and ultimately marriage much better than domestic ones. Ergo, if I am going to buy, I want the newest model. One without all the years, accidents, and miles of the models my age. Don’t you understand a relationship is an investment to men? And women wonder why men treat them like children.

          • I’ve never been treated like a child by any man I’m with, actually, pretty much any man I’ve dated (which is only 2 before my husband, and did not sleep with them) is MUCH more immature than I am. I have paid for EVERYTHING financially and emotionally, except with my husband. He is a good man. I think you comparing women to inanimate objects shows your maturity. Women are HUMAN BEINGS and just because they don’t live up to YOUR per-determined expectations of what a “quality” woman is, doesn’t mean they are “lemons”. You are shallow, and honestly a bit of a self entitled douche bag. Maybe your trouble with women is because of your attitude, hm?

          • I agree. Comparing women to financial investments shows that I am weighing the risks and benefits of the relationship very carefully. Every person has their own characteristics that define quality. How does that make me superficial? That is tantamount to saying I am shallow for having a preference for the color blue. I like what I like. Wouldn’t trying to change that be an artificial behavior that is not consistent with being myself? I wouldn’t say I have trouble with women. I am pretty good at getting laid and would wager I have a much higher body-count than the vast majority of men. And the majority of my bangs are 7s or better. Some 6s sprinkled in there. Never any fatties. I haven’t found any domestic ones that have kept my interest for very long. But I still have to get out there and try right?

          • [Personal attack deleted by Comments Editor] Any man that has to talk up his ability at “getting laid” obviously has some insecurities. Also, a rating system is bunk because everyone has their definition of beautiful. I, for example think curvy (not fat, although some fat women can be beautiful) pale women with colored hair and tattoos are gorgeous, while some people think stick thin spray tanned “jersey shore” look-a-like women are beautiful. Nothing wrong with that. All I’m saying is, you don’t have to try and whip out your manliness and wave it around and shout “LOOK AT ME, LOOK AT ME” because I literally couldn’t care any less. What is “domestic” btw? A woman who takes care of her house, knows how to cook, and please her man? I’m not really sure what you mean by that. Does that mean you like women who like to drink too much and spread their legs for anyone with a dick? I think your original post was speaking of wanting “quality” women….so now you have me confused.

          • I didn’t get to see the insult since it was deleted by the moderator. Such a shame you are taking this so personally. Perhaps you are the one less secure about this topic?
            Of course the rating system is subjective. It doesn’t diminish its value to the user. I never claimed to be a master player. I try though and that puts me ahead of most men. Furthermore, I have some distinct advantages that I pointed out. Domestic is American. Again, referencing the automobile industry. It is a very useful comparison. Autos also are rated subjectively but that doesn’t mean those ratings are worthless to users either. In staying consistent with the automobile metaphors, if I am looking for a joyride, any rental will do. More investment such as leasing requires a more reliable and quality model. And if I am going to buy, I want something new out of the factory with the best ratings I can get in order to maximize my happiness for the longest period of time. Now doesn’t that make sense?

          • No, it doesn’t because you are not without fault. I seriously doubt that you are not used, without damage and baggage. It’s this attitude towards women that really makes us not like men like you, and that’s why so many of us end up playing the field. It’s okay for a man to do it for some reason, but not a woman. A man wants a woman with as little experience with other men as possible but somehow to be able to perform like a porn star, look like a model, cook like a chef, clean like his mother, and love him unconditionally. makes NO sense what so ever. Also, domestic is not “American”. Those two words do not mean the same thing and I think you need to read a dictionary lol. There are more American women who would rather die than be domestic, than there are domestic American women, good sir.

          • I haven’t let a domestic get close enough to do any damage and I haven’t had any damage from foreign ones so Im fortunately unscathed. I know a lot of men that have been burned by American women and it ruins their lives so I learned through astute observation. Even my sisters are some vicious users of men. Of course the potential cost of that is I dismiss women that I might be compatible with. But I am still applying my discretion to each individual situation. I just remain more skeptical when interacting with Americans and for good reason.

            I completely agree that the double standard you pointed out exists. But it is also the only double standard we men have in our favor in this society. Everything else in our society favors women so both sides are just playing on the advantages they have. Which is understandable but there are consequences of course.

            In bed all I ask is that the girl likes sex. I am more than capable enough in doing the work and don’t particularly like any of that kinky stuff so you are wrong on the porn thing.

            I consider myself a 7/10 so I wouldn’t get seriously involved in a girl lower than that. Again, you are wrong with the model expectation. In fact, I think most men are more realistic with their expectations than women when it comes to physical attraction.

            Haha, a domestic cooking?!?! No chance. Maybe if you put a TV in there. I cook better than any girl I know (except for a chef that I was seeing briefly) so I don’t really think any woman belongs in my kitchen. Not sure where you all belong in modern society but certainly not preparing my meals. Completely inaccurate.

            I expect anyone clean up after themselves. Interestingly, I just read an article about how 36% of Millennials still live with their parents so my problem with that is more generational than gender-based. All the technology support in the world to be “independent” and not enough will to actually be independent. So again wrong you are.

            At least you finally get one right. Loyalty is the most desirable of all characteristics and also the one least cultivated in our society. American women are supposed to be as tough and independent as men. OK, well one consequence that manifests itself is that women in America file for divorce and separation at a disproportionate rate. Not exactly a comforting thought.

            Here is the dictionary definition of domestic since clearly one of us does need to look this up:

            “existing or occurring inside a particular country; not foreign or international”

  54. Good to know you are repulsed by your own body

    • I for one as a child-free woman am not repulsed by my own body, I am repulsed by blood spewing out of me as I rip from hole to hole, screaming in agony, and as I poop on the delivery bed. I am also repulsed by the idea of wiping someones shit covered ass, having sagging breasts after breast feeding, a loose vagina after birth, not being able to control my bladder 100% of the time after birth, and having to constantly give out more money and emotional support than I am capable of to a financial, emotional leech for the rest of my existence. Luckily none of this will happen to me, so there is nothing to be repulsed by! 🙂

  55. Antoine Wright

    Where can find a female like you. Who is not consumed by this ancient idealism of child rearing some great honor. I fully agree, misery needs company. I also agree that following the passions that you happy is way more important. Than following a trend that has since pass it’s necessity.
    And more thing you know how people try to justify their unplanned pregnancy with of love any other nonsense they can think of. It’s your, your choice.

  56. You’ve taken self-indulgence and misandry to a level beyond belief.
    Top read.

  57. I have not wanted children up to this point (36) either, it’s only recently that I have felt an inkling to ponder the prospect. I feel rather fulfilled by my life thus far, (I have a BA, a career, travel, yoga etc.and there is a ton more I want to do) and I’m not sold on bringing another life into the world when we don’t care for the children we do have on the planet, unless their yours/ours of course (eye roll). I have had more women my age and older tell me lately not to have children because they ruin everything! This scares me. I have siblings with beautiful kids, for whom I would give my life up for (I think that classifies as love?) and friends with kids I babysit, and all of them are fatter, have lower frustration tolerances, boring or non existent sex lives, and always seem to be complaining about their spouse. With the divorce rate being what it is, I have no desire to raise a child alone or pay some baby daddy child support because I earn more than he does… anyone who calls me selfish is wrong because there is so I’m not taking anything away from anyone, therefore not selfish. On the flip side I don’t see a lot of parents who are completely selfless either (someone’s ego is feeding the image of Baby Gap, and the perfect family, prob not the baby). According to research parents with young children are the least happy. You add stinky diapers at 2am when I have to work in the morning, (and of course I would love and cuddle my child at any hour, but that does not sound like much fun to me…. and sorry I have to just throw this out here, but there has been a running joke (not so kidding though) amoungst my breeding and non-breeding friends/family that we had all have at least 7 children each because we want to counter balance the fastest growing religion in the world, Muslim. So maybe my boyfriend and I will have a new meaning to our sex play tonight. 😛

    • Wow. Sorry I have to just throw this out here, but anyone who jokes about procreating to counter balance ANY religion is not suited to be a parent. Whatever new meaning you and your boyfriend bring to your sex play, throw a rubber on it.

    • Everyone has told me the same in the last 10 years, but not from people my age (I’m a little older than you), it’s all the been there done that older folks who tell me they would never have a kid, let alone kids nowadays. How sad. My husband and I might foster and then adopt a kid(s). Girls though, probably not any boys. Time will tell. If not then I’ll be happy to remain child free. I do like to sleep for 7 to 8 hours uninterrupted and don’t plan on having a nurse or nanny like the rich and rich celebrities do just so they don’t have to get up in the middle of the night.

  58. I respect that you don’t want children. It’s perfectly normal. I think having a good career and being free to do what you want can be just as fulfilling. I myself want kids but can’t have them. I think you should stand by what you want but perhaps in my 20’s I didn’t want kids either as I felt it was too soon. But I always knew I would want them some day. I think you should do what you really want because if you should not be happy having kids it would affect them and it wouldn’t be fair on them. You should do what you feel is right for you.

  59. Kate, Its good that hear people who dont want children stand firm
    Its really a personal choice.
    Its not necessary to have your own children and of course you can enjoy the company of nieces and nephews when you are free. Often I find a childress aunt or uncle ends up helping out with their siblings kids quite a lot in terms of support

  60. If your parents had your tude, you wouldn’t be able to have your fabulous career; you wouldn’t BE. Having children is about growth, hopefully in preparation for them and certainly throughout being and becoming someone worthy of them during their lifetimes. It’s a commandment of God and, done right (not perfect) brings growth and blessings not garnered elsewhere. In the eternities, your CAREER doesn’t exist but the person you become and the relationships you build do. Not wanting children may be “normal” but it’s not really healthy and it certainly isn’t something to which anyone can aspire.

    • I think it’s hilarious that people think the whole, “If your parents felt the same way blahblahblah” thing is a valid argument. Yes, if our parents felt the same way, we wouldn’t be here to travel the world, have our great careers, go out 3 times a week for dinner and wine, stay up late, sleep in late etc. But at the same time, if we weren’t here, we would not be aware of what we are missing out on, and we also wouldn’t have to sit here and defend our own personal life choices to total strangers and every moron with an opinion on what they think is the best for OUR lives. Also, not everyone believes in a giant invisible man in the sky, so stop trying to force your sensibilities on other people. You are incredibly insensitive and rude. Not wanting children is actually NOT normal in our society…but we are not seeking normalcy, simply the respect and understanding that our life choices are not YOURS, have no direct impact on your life, and simply to end the judgement against us. Your life is yours, our lives are ours and we thank you to leave it that way. Our business is our own.

      • ” Not wanting children may be “normal” but it’s not really healthy and it certainly isn’t something to which anyone can aspire.”

        I have a problem with your last sentence here. Especially the portion where not having kids is not healthy. I am sorry to break this to you but there are many women and men who are infertile… therefore, in your mind they are not healthy individuals. Are the worthiness of a person is from their availability to reproduce? How damn disgusting. Also not many women who had kids never wanted kids, and hated children, but look they are here. This is also due to societal pressure on women to have children, especially if their partner wants children.

        An example is through my experience with my mother. She has always told me that she never wanted children, even hated kids, but I was unplanned and had me. She cherishes having my brother and I, and wouldn’t give up those years for anything. I myself don’t want children, and neither does my partner. My mother and I fight constantly over me not wanting any children. I told her I will not do surrogacy ( I cannot have my own.) I told her if I choose to ever in my life become a mother it would be through adoption. she says “great, but have your own and then adopt” I explain to her, I dont believe in reproduction due to my beliefs in overpopulation, and the many countless children already needing homes. She replies “I can’t fix the world, and you need to carry on your grandfather’s ‘lineage”! My response is still no, I dont want children, and if I by chance do will only adopt, then she call me selfish and if I really believe in over population then i should just shoot myself to make room for more people.

        Now who is more selfish? My mother who only wants grand children because of lineage, or me who would rather adopt ( if I want children)?

        My beliefs may be radical, and I am OK with that. I believe if anyone wants to have children the only option is through adoption. I also believe that Majority of Americans need to stop being so materialistic and stop with this overconsumption of society. All we do in the Western world is use and dispose creating environmental haphazardness which in the end our future/ the planets future and resources are grim.

  61. I agree with the author’s main point: having children is a personal decision not up for debate. However, I’m not sure how having a child (or being married) infringes on a female’s personal identity or eliminates a woman’s ability to “change the world.” Strong women don’t need to define themselves by their marital or motherly status, by their careers, or by how many countries they’ve seen. A woman can change the world by leading a successful company as a CEO or by raising a child into a kind, compassionate human being. It seems the author felt the need to take a shot at womankind in general: “Unlike most women,” she doesn’t feel the need to validate herself by having a child. I find it interesting that a person who has proclaimed that she has no interest in procreating would pretend to understand what motivates a woman to want a child. It’s too bad that an article that starts with such a clear point becomes muddled by the author’s own insecurities and sermonizations.

  62. Amen sister!

  63. Hmm, interesting perspective. I for one support everyone who doesn’t want to have children wholeheartedly. In an over-populated world, more humans is the last thing we need. Less people will mean that my kid will have an easier time getting a job or going to a good school because there will be less competition.

    Also, everyone knows that the vast majority of generation X and younger will work until they drop dead, as pensions and social-security are becoming the sci-fi realm. So the less youngsters we X and Y gens have to compete with in our old age, the better.

    Of course, it wouldn’t hurt (understatement) if USA closed its borders to the influx of the third world populations intended to function as slaves to the wealthy, but every little bit (contributing to the lessened overall population) helps nonetheless.

    So, you go, girl! Climb that corporate ladder, climb the Himalayas, climb to your fancy marble furnished lookout room from your penthouse suite, heck, even adopt some miserable biomass born to illiterate victims of date-rape, just whatever you do – DO NOT BOTHER PROCREATING.

    All love and power to ya from this end.

  64. I agree with your observations that a childfree lifestyle is frowned upon by many, and with your opinion that it is perfectly within one’s right to choose. However, I disagree with the dichotomy you create between mothers and career women. You can be both, with compromises. Of course, there are women who stall their careers and other dreams when they have kids, but it doesn’t have to be that way. A quick Google search on powerful women can confirm that some, even modern ones who had a choice, did have children AND changed the world. Personally, as a master’s candidate who is pregnant with her first child (a very unexpected “oops”, but not an unwelcome one), I resent it when people say my child will take my identity and ambition away from me. That damning attitude demeans women who choose to have children, when what we should be doing is empowering them. It is an attitude that is prevalent in business and academia and helps create an unwelcoming environment for mothers.

    • Well, I beg to differ on your comment..’You can be both….’ ha aha ha… wait and watch. Yes, there are women who have proved that they can handle both profession and motherhood… but you don’t know the kind of compromises they make(majority of the cases). For others they would have strong support from family or friends

      • Your comment is both condescending and unhelpful. Additionally, it
        serves as an example of yet another unsupportive attitude towards future career
        mothers, especially your snarky “ha aha ha…wait and watch.” Perhaps
        you could enlighten me with a personal anecdote or examples of compromises? Furthermore,
        you have no idea what kind of compromises I’ve witnessed family members
        and friends make. Some of the compromises my mother made, not having a
        supportive spouse (unlike myself), caused me to have to grow up much faster and take on the mother role with my much younger brothers. So please, don’t equate naivety with optimism.

  65. I definitely agree that this is a personal choice. I also don’t fault anyone for not wanting kids. I have two kids. Yes, there have been many times that I looked and felt very tired. Raising kids is hard sometimes. But at the same time, there is an unbelievable reward. Heaven lives in those moments. It is always a gamble because you never know how your kids will turn out. So you definitely love but worry a lot at the same time. But just because it’s hard sometimes doesn’t mean it isn’t worth doing. Being in great shape is a lot of hard work too… anything worth having usually is.

    When you say you are a woman, not a baby making factory, you are denying the primitive fact that you were born as a baby making factory. We all were. Just because you have children doesn’t mean you can’t have a career and do the things you want in this world. People that say they gave up their career for their kids made their own choice to do so. The kids didn’t decide that. They could at any time have chosen to pick themselves up and start on their career. Saying otherwise is a cop out. And just because you are a wife with kids doesn’t mean you have to fit into a stepford mold. There are lots of different types of families out there beating to their own drums. I have two children, have a career, and have traveled the world. I have taken my wife and kids with me and plan to do so more. My wife is free to start any career she chooses. She just took some time to raise our son until he starts school.

    In any case, I’m not on the pressuring you to have children bandwagon. But what they say is true. You don’t know love until you have a child. It is different and you can’t know until you go there. However, not wanting children could make for a horrible scenario with a child that feels resented (as you said). I know this is just a handful of people’s feelings, but I once heard Johnny Depp (who has loads of success) as well as many other extremely successful women say that their kids were their greatest accomplishment. The best thing they ever did. And they are… you never really understand your parents until you have them. You may never realize your full self without them. It is the natural cycle of life. That being said, it is something that may just not be for everyone. My brother doesn’t want kids. He is happy being an uncle. That’s his choice.

    • I was with you until the “you don’t know love until you have a child” bit. Then I started to have doubts. And then the whole “You may never realize your full self without them” turned my stomach. I think you may have missed the point of the article entirely

      • Its all relative. I am glad that you are not on the pressure bandwagon. The moments of heaven are moments we all experience. Weather we have kids or not. I have moments of heaven when I look around and choose to participate. Or when I choose to really look deeply at the things that are so often overlooked in other people, in nature and in myself. I feel heaven every time I overcome adversity in anything. Heaven does not need to smack me in the face. I can find it in the cultivation of love and peace in my life and in my mind. I empathize with the constant testing you must endure as a parent, and how it must test the real love you have for your family on an hourly basis some days, which must result in an over whelming feeling of heaven when you find it. But who am I to say? Maybe you are not tested hourly or daily? But I am a firm believer that you can have that kind of heaven without having children. I have endured in this life as the rest of us have. Weather we are parents or not. Its about having the minds eye to seek out heaven where ever you are. That takes tremendous testing, for heaven/peace/love/joy or what ever you want to call it is there for those who seek it.

    • “You don’t know love until you have a child.”

      How do you know? Just because you failed to “know love” until you had a child, doesn’t mean that others did too. Maybe one of the reasons why we don’t feel the need to have children is because we learned to “realize our full selves” without children.

      Living your whole life without having children is significantly different from living your life without children until you do have them. Your childfree youth experience is not equal to someone’s childfree lifetime.

      It’s not about having children, it’s about maturity that comes with age and experience – with or without children.

      • So you think EVERYONE who has raised their children, and says “You don’t know love until you have a child” is just saying that to mess with ya?
        We admit it’s hard. We admit it drains us of energy. We admit that crappy diapers suck, and that “so many of us are miserable”. But we lie about that one part huh?

        • If you didn’t know what real love is before you had kids, I feel sorry for your husband, that you don’t REALLY love him! Wow, how sad for him.

        • Goals in life, Careers, and life in general drains an individuals energy too. I am a woman that doesn’t want to have children, my partner and I both do not want children. But to say I don’t know what love is until I had a child is bullshit! it is a slap in the face of any person who has loved a mother, sister, brother, husband, wife, partner,child, animal etc. So in your opinion the only way to understand love is through having a child… I feel so sorry for you.. I feel sorry for your child that he/she is a tool for your need to fill in that gap of never been in love, or having love. You are the one who should have never had any children, you just destroyed your child’s life through using them for your own selfish needs.

    • “When you say you are a woman, not a baby making factory, you are denying the primitive fact that you were born as a baby making factory”

      I am sorry, but I am far from being a baby making factory. Society, and culture expected this from me. I will not allow my body to become this, or do this. I am free to do what I want with my body.
      Instead, if I actually choose to have children i would adopt instead. I will not be a selfish person by having my own children to keep my “lineage” in progress… I would rather adopt a child in need.

  66. Children are delicate human beings who need their parents’ full attention, who need to be raised by a mother who is happy with rearing him/her. Children are human beings, not some National Certificate women have to accomplish, or some status symbol that they just have to acquire and that’s it. Children can do much better if they are born from and raised by the mother who wanted to have them in the first place. People should stop pressuring women to bear children, because it’s the woman’s basic human right whether or not to choose to make babies or not.

  67. Hi Kate I am a lot like yourself. I personally feel that our peers who have kids owe us some gratitude. Our choice to not have children will enhance the quality of life for our peers children. Their kids will have less competition and more resources to pull from. We are also minimizing our carbon footprint which adds to better health for all in the present and the future. So maybe if we put it to them like that they will stop treating us like selfish uncaring people. Mother earth is #1 priority to me. If we can’t take care of her she can’t care for future generations.

  68. To the Author of the article.

    Your article made valid points about female’s positions these days and their not wanting Marriage, or children, from your personal perspective. Unfortunately, your article devolved into assumptions, and an ego-centric stance about how “most married couples with children seem miserable”. Although I will agree with you on the fact that many married people are miserable these days, has very little to do with children, and more to do with being selfish and not communicating properly.

    Until one has walked a certain path it’s better not to judge harshly, just to validate ones personal life choices.

    I can tell you from my personal perspective as a male, I have experienced marriage, divorce, CEO’s position, to a Mr. Mom that loves every minute of being with his children. I never regret any of my choices, but I have to admit having a child changed my world for the better. After having a child my focus went from Me, Me, Me to Them, Them, Them and Me sometimes.

    I can also say if people don’t have the time to devote to children, then don’t have them. I was fortunate enough to have made enough money early on to allow me lot’s of time to spend with my children, because in the end that is all they want love, nurturing and time spent with them.

    If people think they can juggle careers and children think again., You can’t be successful at both, only one at a time. Children need nurturing.

    If one parent is working full-time it is hard enough on the child, but both parents working full-time is a recipe for disaster, in marriage and the family itself. I have to say I do respect single women that understand this and choose not to have children, or get married because of this very reason.

    I can only give words of wisdom for those that think having a child and a career is possible. Whenever you think you can justify not being around your children then listen to this song, if you can’t, then you are definitely in denial. Because you’ll never recapture the time while they are growing up.

    “Cat’s In The Cradle”

    My child arrived just the other day
    He came to the world in the usual way
    But there were planes to catch and bills to pay
    He learned to walk while I was away
    And he was talkin’ ‘fore I knew it, and as he grew
    He’d say “I’m gonna be like you, Dad
    You know I’m gonna be like you”

    Peace out,


  69. Hi

    I had a daughter in my early twenties. She was planned and I had been in a relationship with her father for 3 years, and my family were all hinting at us becoming parents, especially my mother. It was most definitely seen as the next step for us and the right thing to do, and I had always wanted to be a mother at some point (however, looking back I think that was more to do with the way I was brought up – that women are wives and mothers not career women).

    My daughter is now 6, and during the past few years I have been back to school, graduated with two degrees and now have my dream job, working hard to balance my career and my daughter’s needs. Needless to say, her father and I separated and I now have a new partner who gets on amazingly well with my daughter. Everything is really amicable between us all and she spends as much time with her dad as she can. We travel 200 miles every fortnight to visit him.

    The problem I face now is that my new partner has hinted at wanting children of his own, and with experience on my side this time, I do not feel that I would be able to give him this with as much conviction as I did deciding to have my first child. I am now experiencing a level of freedom which suits us all, which I would ultimately lose having another. Selfish? I think not. It’s a decision that will not be taken lightly and neither should it be, for anyone – making a baby is the easy part, caring for a baby isn’t so bad. But the long term commitment of being a parent, supporting your child emotionally, and financially for the rest of their lives, is the hard part and the part I think most people forget to think about.

    My daughter is awesome and I wouldn’t change it for the world. She’s a confidant, happy, bright young girl who looks to me and sees that you can have a career as a woman and now, unlike myself at her age, shuns playing mum and wants to be a scientist or doctor.

    Times are changing and good for you for sticking to what you want. Having children is a choice and if more people felt it was okay to make this decision, then there would be much fewer unloved/unwanted children in this world. Be proud, and enjoy your life, as after all, it is yours and yours alone.

  70. Claudia E. Campanella

    So well written, Bravo… I come across this all the time!! its so very irritating. People are ignorant. They try to make me feel bad about having no kids while they are changing diapers or trying to control their screaming, bratty kids.

  71. women like to cheat so much as it is these days, and can’t even stay faithful to just only one man anymore. and the women that have children, God help the children.

    • I have never cheated, and all of my female friends that I have are either single, or in committed relationships. I think your generalization of women is pretty offensive, and if you want to look at statistics, men are much less faithful than women.

      • your very wrong. i don’t play games like many women do today, i am very serious about meeting a good woman to settle down with. for your information, my wife was the one that CHEATED on me. i was a very caring and loving husband that was very much committed to her as well, but it wasn’t good enough for her. the real problem is many women don’t know how to talk to us men anymore, and they are very nasty to us when we will approach them to start a conversation with the one that we would really like to meet. i know other men that had this happened to them too. why are you women so very mean to us men?

        • You can’t take your experiences you had with your wife and say that that is how all women behave. That’s just stupid. As far as women being rude to men when men approach them at public places….well I will agree with that one. I am rude to men who approach me because #1 I am either out with my friends and not wanting to talk to them, #2 I am married, and I tell men this and they don’t care or respect that I am happily married and still try to hook up with me, or #3 they are just plain creepy weirdos who are way too old, way too weird or just plain sexually explicit and rude TO ME FIRST. I am never rude to anyone first, unless men are cat calling me as I walk down the street, then I give them a finger and a nice loud “FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE”, because their behavior is DISRESPECTFUL. I am just trying to go about my day…like walking to work, I have to wear a tank top because it’s too hot to wear anything else and I can’t go without being cat called or stared and whistled at. It’s uncomfortable. Men think this behavior is acceptable, but it isn’t. It’s called HARASSMENT. So basically, women treat men like this because we know that they have sex on their mind when they approach us, and we are usually not interested. Plain and simple.

          • well i am certainly not like that at all, and i am very seriously looking to meet a good woman to share my life with. it is very hard for us men to approach a woman that we would really like to meet since there are just too many very nasty women nowadays, and that is why it is very hard meeting a decent woman for many of us now. i never expected to get CURSED at by a woman that i really wanted to meet, and they are such a LOW LIFE for acting that way. years ago many women were REAL LADIES, and today most of them are not.

          • And men used to be gentlemen, holding doors open for women, and acting in a respectful manner. Now, many men are disrespectful pigs with nothing but sex on their minds. I would rather someone cuss at me (like women do now), than come on to me in a lewd way (like men do now). I have never been approached in a respectful way. The only man that I have met in my entire life who still acts like a gentleman is my husband. He opens my car door for me, opens ANY door for me, buys me roses, tells me I’m beautiful, writes me notes before he goes to work about how much he loves me, and he rubs my back after work and brings me home little presents every so often. Any other man has been rude and disgusting, either commenting on my breasts or my ass. Maybe the reason “decent” women don’t exist anymore is because there are no more decent MEN.

          • well there are certainly much more Gay Women nowadays adding to the problem as well since many of us men can’t meet a decent woman anymore today, and why would i ever blame myself since there are so many mean and nasty women out there today? certainly not. i am so sick and tired of going out all the time which i can never seem to be at the right place at the right time to meet a good one. are you going to blame me for that too? like i have mentioned before with my last comment, there are many of us good men out there that would certainly love to have a love life again. good women don’t exist anymore like they did years ago, and back then it was much easier meeting a good woman with the help of many family and friends that would introduce you to the one that they would think that would be right for you. most of you women now are looking for your knight in shinning armor with a very large bank account, and try looking for a man that you can accept him for who he is which money should not be an issue for many of you women now. yes it is very true what i have said that there are certainly much more Gay Women now that are making it much harder for us very serious straight men that are looking, and i don’t expect to have a woman Curse at me when i am trying to start a conversation with her which is not right at all. would i ever Curse at a woman that would approach me, to talk to me? certainly not, so why should many of us men be Cursed at by women? i will never ever understand that at all. my aunt and uncle just celebrated their 65th year together, and that just shows you how much different women were back then. i am a true gentlemen, and i am not nasty at all to women. for the men and women out there that were Very Fortunate to have met one another and have a family, well they should certainly go to church to pray and really thank God for having a life together that many of us men would have wanted too.

          • Look, to be honest, I don’t really care about your failing love life. I just don’t. If you’re looking for pity or sympathy, you won’t find it from me. Your generalization of women is offensive. That is probably why women don’t like you. There is probably something wrong with you that you are not aware of. If I were you, I would try online dating so that they can get to know you from a distance before meeting face to face. You say that women only want a man with a large bank account, well you know what, my husband is a private in the army. They really don’t pay soldiers that well. I love my man because he is good to me. He loves me because I am good to him. We also have a lot of the same hobbies, and same sense of humor. I do not/did not want a knight in shining armor. For the longest time, I was the only one paying bills, had a BMW, cooked and cleaned…for the both of us. Because I am deep down, an independent person. Get off your high horse and stop looking down on women. Maybe if you went to places where “good women” spent time, you would meet a good one. It sounds like you are trying to meet women at clubs and bars. That is not where you meet your soul mate 9 times out of 10. Try to meet women at church, at the library, at college if you are a student. Try volunteering at an animal shelter. If you have hobbies, that is a great way to meet women. If you like anime, go to an anime convention. If you like shooting guns, go to a shooting range. If you like weight lifting, try the gym. Honestly though, just do anything besides bitch to me about your problems. It’s getting boring and repetitive.

          • I certainly can’t help it if i meet so many LOSER WOMEN today, especially the ones that don’t know how to talk to us men anymore. why blame me for something that i never did wrong? it is a real shame that most of the women today do really stink, and they are certainly nothing like our parents and grandparents are today. i am not here to discuss my love life by the way, and i am just telling you the facts. it is very obvious that many women have changed over the years, and it really does seem that once women’s lib took over, it really messed most of them up real bad. and yes it is true, the ones with their VERY HIGH PAYING JOB certainly think they are all that now. i am very sure that your husband will agree with me with some of the things that i have said. you and your husband were VERY FORTUNATE to have met one another, and agree on a lot of things together. and whatever problems that you have together, i am sure that both of you did work it out or you would not be together now since many marriages are FAILING these days. the divorce rate is up to 50 percent now, and that is very sad since many of them have children too. i am just telling my comment like it is, since this is the REAL WORLD today. VERY UNFORTUNATE for many of us serious men looking for a good woman today. be very thankful that you have each other to share your life with together, and whatever problems that you should have in the future do work them out to keep your marriage STRONG. PEACE.

  72. I think the person who wrote this article is pretty stupid. All offense. Even though I’m a young adult, it clearly shows in her article the lack of intelligence and maturity on her part. Like one of those people who think they know what they’re talking about, and think they know a lot. “process of childbirth has always seemed incredibly constraining to me and the whole process seems repulsive”-Immaturity. “To be frank, most married couples with children seem miserable. They’re always tired, busy, and seldom have lives that are fully theirs. Plus, many women who give up their career to have children end up being resentful and, in my opinion, that’s no way to live.”-Media brainwashed generalization. Plenty of marriages are a lot more happier than single’s. And plenty of women work and have children. “People constantly say “Well, you don’t know love until you have children” and that is absolutely ridiculous.” “Most people who say things like this are jealous because their lives are so miserable.”- People are speaking from personal experience. Experience the article writer does not have, making insecure negative assumptions about other people. Got to go, I think this is ample criticism for the article.

    • I think the person who wrote this comment is pretty stupid.

    • How is it immature to find childbirth repulsive? Have you actually WATCHED a video of a woman giving birth?? Ripping from V-hole to A-hole? Blood gushing out? Pooping on the delivery table? Screaming woman in pain? You speak of “media brainwashed generalization”…I think that NOT finding childbirth repulsive is a great example of being brainwashed. Society teaches us from an early age that childbirth is a “beautiful miracle”. Breeding is not a miracle. Dogs and cockroaches do it, but when it’s a human, it’s suddenly an amazing feat. I think that finding childbirth repulsive is REALISTIC. If it weren’t for the baby coming out of the woman, and all the other symptoms were there, people would be disgusted and terrified and ask “what’s wrong with that woman”?? But because there’s a baby involved, it’s beautiful?? You’re right about marriage being a happy experience, but it isn’t that way for EVERYONE. Again, you spoke of generalizations towards the OP, but you are generalizing here…you are hypocritical. I think you are taking this article personally because you either have kids/are pregnant/or want to have kids. This article was not aimed towards you, yet you personally attack the writer. Good job, showing off that thing called “maturity” you were talking about.

      • Seriously People

        If you have ever experienced childbirth in real time, real life, it is the most amazing, emotionally overwhelming thing in the world. Of course, sex is a pretty disgusting ritual until you experience it as well.
        And because the author states married people with children are miserable, means it is directed at me.

        • Of course, sex is a pretty disgusting ritual until you experience it as well.

          Umm… no.

        • Yeah, emotionally overwhelming because it’s scary as shit!! I would be scared as hell to have my body ripped apart! I never thought sex was disgusting. At least I don’t scream in pain and shit all over the bed when I do it, unlike childbirth. The author said that married couples with children SEEM unhappy to HER…maybe you should learn how to read. See, THAT was directed towards you! 😉

        • She probably didn’t mean all of the parents with children or majority of them but perhaps those who like belittling her for not having children.

    • Also, I wish people would stop calling breeding a miracle. It isn’t. A miracle would be for someone to be suddenly cured of cancer with no explanation…or the only time I can think of childbirth being a miracle is if a woman is told that she has NO chance of reproducing, and does after many years of trying.

    • You act in an immature manner as well by not respecting her views of childbirth. She feels disgusted at the prospect of her own childbirth – so what? It doesn’t mean that you have to feel disgusted. Let’s accept that we are all different.

  73. On average, studies do show that single women are happier than married women and live longer. I think we should also start discussing the severe overpopulation on this planet.

  74. first of all, there are so many very irresponsible women out there today which are not at all capable of having children to begin with, let alone being married to them.

  75. I love this thank you for writing it

  76. I’m not planning to have children either. Like one of the commenters pointed out there is an overpopulation on this planet. I really do not want to contribute to this matter. However, I am planning to adopt but much later in life. I’d much rather adopt, there are so many children out there without parents. I could have been one of among the many if I had not been adopted. I’m very grateful towards my mother.

  77. I use to think just like you. Have a child and then re-read this. Honestly, your self centered, materialistic nature is oozing out with every word you write!
    Grow up and stop being a brat. If your own mother felt this way, you would never had been born!

    • I don’t understand why people think that the whole “If your mother thought that way” thing is a valid argument. If we were never born, we would not be AWARE of it!! Are you really that dumb..come on now. I would like to believe that you are smarter than that! “Have a child and re-read this”… I don’t think you understand what childfree means. A lot of childfree people don’t even LIKE kids, at least the ones I’ve talked to, including myself. Materialistic? Why can’t it be that she just doesn’t like kids or just doesn’t want to have them? I think it’s really strange. You wouldn’t tell someone who doesn’t like dogs to go out and get one, so why would you suggest inflicting that on person who doesn’t want kids, and upon the innocent child who did not ask to be born? Whatever happened to logical thinking?

    • I wish I was never born. It was very selfish of my parents to breed (not telling you that you are selfish) because I am so unhappy,jobless for years and live in this shitty country on the Balkans.They died when I most needed them Life is hard, it’s not a privilege to be born unless your parents could help you have a great life or you are capable of creating a great life. It’s even harder when you people call us selfish for not wanting to be even more miserable and make our children miserable as well as a result.

      • I agree with you…I used to work at a great job where I had been for 6 years, making almost $20/hr (to me, that is a comfortable paycheck since I did not have children, and my then boyfriend who is now my husband to help pay the bills), full time 9-5 job and with benefits. The company had to close their doors due to the economy, and now I have to work at subway… I try and try to find something better but it seems like I can’t. I am going to go to college but have not figured out what I want to do yet. My husband is in the Army but they do not pay you very much. After paying bills, half of the time we cannot afford groceries. From being able to go on vacations, to not being able to have food 2 weeks out of each month. And people tell me I am selfish for not wanting children. Why on earth would I want to have kids…my god…I would starve to death having to fork over what little food I DO have to feed the baby!!

    • What’s wrong with being self-centred and materialistic, she doesn’t do harm to others. And it’s not she is spending your money. Why don’t you be more tolerant towards people who are not like you?You have your own ways, that’s all right, but respect those of others as well whether you like their ways or not.

    • Having a baby turns your brain into oatmeal.

  78. Agree 100%. Decision not to have children is not selfish but quite opposite – very responsible.
    And yes, I do not want to stop my career in my prime, I do want to travel and buy nice things for myself, I want to keep my body the way it is now for as long as possible. And I want to spend time on self education and not on learning ABC all over again. I am independent woman, how does it makes me immature?
    It surprises me how agressive all these parents are towards child-free people! becoming a mother for many women was the only way to have at least some sort of status in the society + receiving a sponsorship from a man as a way of income. Having kids nowadays is a personal choice, but I belive child-free women should be more respected.

    • We should respect whatever a person’s choice is, child-free, or with children, as long as the person is happy and responsible, I don’t see a problem either way. Why should a child-free women be more respected?

    • I agree..I’m sick and tired and being called old maid not married no kids….I never wtd them I’m happier alone with career and money …who needs a guy these days if u can succeed on your own…I just want a companion not to be some guys trophy wife

  79. Was this written 15 years ago?

  80. Nick Caporella Jr.

    Lots of guilt shame and anger hidden in here. I think you might find one or two people that care? They will be on top of you for awhile then you will be alone with these thoughts again.

  81. Nick Caporella Jr.

    Your last sentence …. If your mother was not able to do two things at the same time like feed you and be manage her would not have even had the education to write such a provoking post. “To bad she wasted her time”…those are your deepest limiting beliefs …Right!

  82. If no one has kids, how can society continue?

    • As no one has suggested that, your question is pointless…

    • Society will always continue. Every woman in existence doesn’t have to have a child to make that happen.

      • Shame of you ,don’t you have a common sense of thinking ? how could world continue if everyone decide not to have children? [personal attack deleted by comments editor] you’re out of your mind

        • He said that not every person has to have kids for the human race to survive, not “No one should have kids”. Again, learn to read please! Most of what you said makes no sense what so ever…is English your second language or something?

        • It’s not my problem. if there is a law that says that I am a free person and if there isn’t the law that can force me to reproduce then it’s not you bloody business, intruder. Live your own life and try saving the world by breeding 12 children if you you want to save humanity from extinction. And also adopt some children form Africa. YOu should completely sacrifice your life for humanity if you think that way. How dare you have only three children if you talk about having to sacrifice for humanity. Don’t tell us that we should fight for what is important to you. FIght yourself with 12 born and 10 adopted children and stop expecting form other people to make your life better – so stop talking rubbish! .

    • Thanks for your good post, so many peoples are useless

      • You are useless….your grammar is horrible, and your diction is as well, as I have read from other comments from you. Maybe if you spent less time having kids and more time reading, you wouldn’t be such an atrocious typist. Uneducated people should not have children.

    • It will only matter once we are dead and gone. Do you know how long it would take for EVERYONE to die out, even if we all suddenly stopped breeding? Anywhere up to 100 years for EVERYONE to die out. Once you are dead, what does it matter whether society continues on or not, anyway?

    • We are not talking about anyone. There are many people who want to have kids by their own choices. There is no need to pressure individuals to have children. It’s only their life The only thing that could be done is that the government offers more privileges for people with children and it. It’s no one’s business if an individual will have a child. I agree that less children impacts our Western culture or that family is important. However, I also know that as an individual am not obliged to do that for anyone or anything and that I shouldn’t feel obliged either, even if humanity depended on me. I am not a whore to because you say I should or am I a woman from the Middle Ages to be forced to reproduce, even if you people are willing to pay all the costs and even take care of my child.It’s simply my life and my body and stop meddling into that. Or you want me to tell you that it’s pretty selfish that you all haven’enrolled into PhD courses and make humanity more educated.

    • Ok, I have just come up with a wonderful solution to remedy this oh so important “problem” you have presented.
      So how about this? In order for “society to continue” we should all have 10 kids and raise them on our own dime.
      Uhhh. You go first.

  83. The reasons less people are having children are : the family unit is being destroyed to create weakness in western society, more and more often both parents have to work just to have food and shelter, parents worry about being able to afford education, men are not being men anymore ( sperm counts are dropping alarmingly and they are actually being feminized) so women naturally take on the role of being more manly, and people believe it is the environmentally responsible thing to do.. which is true, but it’s mostly european and japanese people that are doing that, and other places the population is growing, so really the good is being “out bred” by the irresponsible. So all these non-selfish people, that are too good to create new life, are just making way for third world immigrants who will have 5 kids they can’t afford, western society will be destroyed, and the earth resources will be placed under more stress. Immigrants only follow the same birth rates while they are in minorities, when they get large communities they continue THEIR culture and the next generation’s birth rates rise. ( Pakistanis in Britain for example ) and then overwhelm the responsible people. So if you are not going to protect the cultures ( like japan does with strict immigration ) that allow you to have a good education and live freely, it doesn’t help the world for people from those cultures ( european mostly ) to have no children. Unless you like slave wages and slave class, under a super rich ruling class… which is the goal of globalization/multiculturalism, and the reason child free lifestyles are being promoted in first world countries. When you don’t have children you don’t have a next generation and your culture dies. But hey it’s the 21st century and the world is moving forward… Not. Family is extremely important, and knowing who you are, where you come from, what your forefathers gave you and what your responsibilities are to uphold that/improve that and give it to the next generation. Remember that YOU came from your mother and father! Please spread the word. lol. .. don’t forget that you can’t eat money, and money doesn’t love you back.

    • Actually it was immigration that was keeping the whole thing going as it increases the ratio of non-workers to workers which is why Japan is starting to look at relaxing the immigration laws.

      Japan’s young have been going through this crap 10 years before us.

      Although that’s not a solution either and will lead and has lead to a whole host of social problems.

      I have a funny feeling it may be the end of the global corporations being able to screw the tax man. The powers that be either have a choice. 1. Pay corporation tax or 2. Watch as the West reverts back to strongmen and dictators who have the ability to channel the anger of the young.

      Democracy may be an illusion but in the words of Cypher from the matrix “Ignorance is bliss”.

  84. Bill Hudson?

  85. Being in charge of raising another human being is a long-term commitment and can represent a daunting task for some people. Modern society can be more isolating than the extended, multi-generational communities that used to be the norm (up until about the 20th century) when relatives and in-laws were often around to help out. Without that kind of community, it really isn’t fair to be placing this kind of expectation squarely on the shoulders of just one individual, and every last individual. Some people may feel they just aren’t cut out for that kind of responsibility, for one reason or another.

  86. April Mae Ulmer

    I couldn’t agree more!

  87. I am a 22 year old female who is married. People are already asking me when I’m going to have children! Even some teenage kids of friends are asking me when I’m going to have children! As if it’s any of their business. I am not afraid to tell people that I don’t want to have kids, and the majority of them have the audacity to tell me that I will change my mind. Really? Those people saying that I’ve known maybe about 2 years, meanwhile, I have known myself for 22 years, and for as long as I can remember have never wanted children. I am also not afraid to say that I do not like most children, and that I know I would make an awful mother. Yes, I am selfish because I do not want to wake up at all hours of the night to care for another person, to spend my hard earned money on someone who will not appreciate it/has no value of a dollar, or ruin my body. I enjoy being able to come home after work and do NOTHING! Or to go out with friends if I choose to. I enjoy not having to plan every moment of my life. I enjoy being able to have loud sex with my husband when I feel like it, not having to have the grandparents watch the kids so we could have a date night. I enjoy being able to be a nudist in my own home, to drink on a Wednesday night if I so choose…and why would I ever want that to end? I do not bash other people for choosing to have kids. I’m glad that you are able to make your own choices, and do what you feel is right for you and your life. But at the same time, don’t judge me or put me down because you feel like my life doesn’t suit your standards of what life should be. I work, I pay my bills on time, and I love my husband more than anything on this earth and we spend our free time trying to make each other happy. We are fulfilled and we do not need to justify ourselves to strangers and neither should people who feel like they want kids. Also, please do not act like having kids is an altruistic act! There is nothing wrong with being selfish, but calling child free people selfish is ridiculous. You have kids because you WANTED to just like I don’t because I DON’T want to. The only form of raising a child that is truly altruistic is adoption, because you are giving a child a shot at a normal life instead of creating an entirely new person because they’ll share your DNA.

    • That’s rubbish ,you have to change your mind ’cause if your mom wasn’t have you ,how could you became who you’re today? don’t be too stupid ,thinks twice ,life is a teacher the more we live ,the more we learn

      • LMFAO I fail to see the correlation between my mother giving birth to me, thus I must want to have children! You, sir or madam, are a moron. Don’t be too stupid? I think that it would be stupid of me to HAVE children! I don’t even LIKE 99% of children that I’ve met. They’re selfish, rude, loud, messy, stupid and obnoxious! Plus, you have to wipe their asses…no to mention BIRTH the damned thing and let it suck on your tits till the chap crack and bleed…no thank you. Not ever. My vagina is an entrance only, not an exit!

      • Do you think that everyone needs and like the same in life. Many like chocolate, but there are also people who hate it. Do you really think that it’s a privilege to be born into this cruel world especially if that child is going to live the way you and the rest of people think he should. It’s not a life, it’s slavery.

  88. Ugh, buck the system. The reason people push you to have children is for the continuation of our species. It’s ok though, just let the people with no education, living on welfare have 20 kids and intelligent people stop populating. It IS selfish to not have children. The reason those parents are tired is because it is EXHAUSTING trying to raise GOOD people. It’s the hardest job in the world, and it is NOT for the faint of heart. So, if you can’t look past the messy hair, the tired look and see what children give to their parents, it isn’t for you.
    But you really do NOT have any idea what love is until you grow a human inside of your body. Half the man you love, half you. You can see your husbands eyes in your two year old and he smiles. What could possibly equal the love you would feel for a person who you made with the person you love? Nothing does. Not your sister, brother, cousin, mother, spouse. There is nothing that can compare to the pride you feel when they take their first step. When they ask questions like “momma am I your sunshine? Will you snuggle me?” To have a person love you ABSOLUTELY unconditionally. To love someone so much, that no matter WHAT they did, you will love them. Through the sleepless nights, getting puked on, punched, screamed at. Yeah, if you can tell me of anyone that treats you like a child treats a parent, and you still cannot stand the thought of them even falling and skinning their knee.
    Do not belittle what mothers and fathers do. It’s fine if you don’t want children, or you don’t understand the role between one generation to the next. Being a parent is the MOST important role in the world. Enjoy your money and vacation. I will enjoy my holidays with my children, their eyes light up when they see a rainbow. The beautiful innocence that is lost on so many, that are, yes, selfish. It’s ok. I don’t think selfish people should raise children anyway.

    • Having children is selfish in of itself, you do it because you WANT to, to benefit yourself and fulfill a need inside yourself. That is the very definition of selfish. There is nothing wrong with being selfish, it is natural, it is apart of survival…but don’t put yourself on a pedestal above those of us who don’t want kids because you think your motives are altruistic. You’re right though, I shouldn’t have children for my own selfish reasons. I’m secure with myself in this decision.

    • YOu are putting your self on a pedestal and belittling her just because she didn’t choose to sacrifice herself for children. You did that and of course that you adore your children. But you wouldn’t call her decision selfish if you didn’ resent living such a life yourself, at least subconsciously. And don’t believe that such love can not equal any other. When you are single then you adore either your parents or siblings in such a way because you are much closer to them. (how can you speak for others’ shoes, I can’t speaks from yours).The thing is that when you ar We can definitely understand why many people adore and want children, but what we don’t understand is why so many people try to project their wishes on others and why do you call us selfish. We don’t call you stupid or ignorant or anything else. As much as you pretended to seem ok with her decision you are actually very judgemental. That’s just not ok because she understands why people want to have children but what she wants to do with this blog is to just defend her own way of thinking and life.This is not a contest.No one is right and no one is wrong. It’s simply were all the same then the world would be a dull place..Individualism is one of the greatest values of the 21st century. So if you are truly happy about your own choices, be supportive of hers as well.

      When we take into consideration that a majority of people have children for their own sake so as not to remain alone in the world and so that those children can take care of them when they are older, who is actually selfish here. They certainly did not have children to make my life better or children’s lives better but theirs. Life is tough and children don’t ask to be born.. It’s selfish to expect people to do what you think y they should do.

      With so many people who have children just for the sake of having them and because everyone does is it , and neglect their children in so many ways, these people who don’t have them are actually vvery responsible. Perhaps she could have children and be avoiding them all day long but she doesn’t want that.

      Think about why you have to judge her just because she doesn’t follow your life path. What’s your problem with that? Either you felt that she belittled your life choice or you your self have regrets for having children. Think about what it is that actually makes you upset about her life – it’s her life for sake, not yours. I am not upset with your choice to have children but I fully understand you and support you following your dreams, if that is your dream, because I have no regrets for not having children.

      I agree that the parenthood is the most important life role, it certainly is, and for people who have children it may also be the most rewarding experience. But is one obliged to take on that responsibility in order not to be offended and called selfish? Aren’t you being very cruel and unfair here. Humans are only obliged to plan their lives according to their wishes and not others’. It’s selfish to neglect children one already has.

      “The beautiful innocence that is lost on so many, that are, yes, selfish” For god’s sake, we are not obliged not to you or to anyone to produce children. YOu speak as if we were slaves or you and the rest of humanity put the food on our tables so we own you. EVen if you did human beings are free and it’s their personal choice, otherwise people wouldn’t have control under their lives and that is dangerous. Wouldn’t it be the same if someone who hates children told you that you are selfish for bringing them into this world because he hates them? It seems to me that you yourself feel that you sacrificed your happiness for the sake of humanity and you don’t feel rewarded enough, and that’s why you resent us. If you are happy with your life, why do you care how we live, it doesn’t affect you. It’s not that you would profit from our having children. If you and humanity do profit in some way for it then you and society are selfish. What do you do for us? When I get sick, do you pay for me a medical treatment or take care of me? When I break up with my boyfriend are you there for me? So stop talking bullshit! How can you call yourself altruistic before adopting a child? Having a child for your own sake is not altruistic, unless you feel like a victim here and regret that we didn’t pay our dues as well. However, that’s your problem that you don’t live the life you want but the life that the others wanted you to live.Regards!

    • You are the most selfish person here and an abuser as well for making others feeling guilty for not living the life they hate and sacrifycing themselves because YOU AND SOME OTHER, FOR US COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT PEOPLE, think that one should have children. It’s YOUR opinion, not ours. have you ever heard that there is a freedom of thought or you are the thought police from Orwell’s 1988? Are you living in a totalitarian state or you are simply ignorant of the fact that as to most things there is no absolute truth.Most things are relative. COllege studies require that students think critically. Accordingly, most educated people and scientists have to be critical thinkers in order to improve science. One should not accept dogmas for granted. It’s ok to have your own opinion but you have no right to call others selfish for not feeling the way you feel about things. Selfish is not taking care of the kid you actually already gave birth to .

    • You very selfish for not giving birth to 6 or 12 children instead fo those 3 because you simply could give birth to 6 or 12 of them.

    • Aren’t you selfish for not sending me any money since I am jobless because you simply can!

    • The only reason that you are offending other people by calling them selfish is that you yourself feel regrets about sacrificing for something that YOU don’t feel is worth it. So the only thing that can make you feel better is to try to elevate your worth and value in the eyes of yourself and others as well. You resent us for having something that you yourself didn’t dare to accomplish or didn’t think of to have that option.

    • If you consider the prospect of childless yourself selfish, that’s ok. However, don’t you impose on me your own values and opinions, lady!

    • Would you rather see your own daughter childless and happy or with children and miserable?

    • You are a sadist because you would like to see other people unhappy living the lives they hate (maybe because you yourself are very unhappy).

    • Whoa. Ok, there is so much logic fail in this poorly written diatribe I don’t even no more where to begin.
      All I have to say is that the theory that the brains of women who have children turn into oatmeal seems to apply to this broad for sure.

    • So you are suggesting that the entire male human race or anyone who adopts for example cannot feel the same attachment to a young human being because one hadn’t grown inside them? Small minded, ridiculous and sanctimonious… Also personally I would rather see someone be responsible and not bring into the world yet another child that a parent cannot be bothered to bring up properly. And lastly… It is your JOB to look after your own child, unfortunately it can be a thankless task. There are no brownie points for raising children. That’s what you are supposed to be doing. And for the record, I have children but it is a choice not a competition on who’s life is more worthwhile.

  89. It doesn’t appear so “Personal” when it appears on an open blog…it stands to reason that your entire post is a cry for validation from…the public? What kind of person makes public statements about their “Intensly personal” decisions and then proceeds to explain themselves, leaving their decision purposely open to criticism? A hypocrite by definition.

  90. Of course, sex is a pretty disgusting ritual until you experience it as well.

    Umm… no.

    Not so fast. If Kurtz was one of the participants, your answer might be different

  91. I completely agree with this article. I am not selfish by choosing not to have children. I was a nanny for 14 years, and am now a teacher. I love children. But, unless i really really want kids, i will not bring them into this world. I have looked after children whose parents are never around! Who had them because, well, thats what you are meant to do..right?. These kids are growing up with a messed up family unit. While its not the case for all, as a career childcarer……i have seen things and herd kids say things about their parents i cringe at. No, i will not be having children. Well done to this writer!

  92. I agree with this article. I am 32 years old and I still don’t have the desire to have children. In fact, my desire of not wanting to have children has become even more intense.

    When I meet people, sometimes they asked if I have children and when I say that I don’t have children is like dropping a bomb in a deserted place, you hear the sound of the bomb and then everything is silence…. I live in a place were marriage and family are too important so criticism never ends. But sometimes I ask to myself, Am I willing to have children out of pressure from other people’s ideologies? I do notice that some mothers are very sensitive in regards with this issue and get defensive and offended. When you make a comment that well I don’t want to take care of a child that I don’t want… they take it too personal.

    I do think that a lot of woman go into motherhood thinking that it would be all kisses and hugs and smiles and then when they hit with the fact that a child is a full time job, then they regret it but it would be too cruel from them to admit that they hate it. After all is not the kid’s fault. It is not like buying a pair of shoes and if you don’t like it you can return them.

    I think a child is too much of a responsibility and I applaud the mothers that are willing to put all their efforts and time and their own lives into their children. But as for me I don’t feel the desire to spend my life taking care of children, I like my life the way it is.

    • I know what you mean by the silence. Even at work functions they just do not know what to say afterward. Odd since if I was younger or a guy I don’t expect that they would just drop silent. And about 90% of the the ones stunned into silence are women, the male exceptions being the odd old duffer and/or bachelor who can’t talk to women and seizes on kids as a universal topic.

  93. This article proves that people’s mindsets are changing and women are empowering themselves. As a single mother of two I face many obstacles every day but my children are worth every minute of it. I do not think about the permanence of this life because it is temporary, a test if you will. I will not follow money, power or status, instead I follow my heart. While for many children are burdens to me life and children are blessings. I feel for those who are bought into a certain lifestyle and miss out on God’s greatest gifts of family. I chose to become a single parent by choice, but my strength of character keeps our family moving in the right direction. Society seems children more and more as a burden but it is deceiving because it is Society that is putting pressures on us to be a certain way not our children. Just food for thought, but no I would hate to see anyone resent having kids… Because it is the kids who ultimately suffer the most. I am speaking from experience because I am a child who was born into that senerio.

  94. We were born and given our lives to with whatever we want, and to do whatever makes us feel complete and fulfilled. Where do you get off sitting on your high horse telling people what the right path through life is? You have not fully lived your own life yet, stop giving life advice where it is unwarranted and unwanted! You speak about being selfish, well tell me sir, how selfish is it to push your agenda onto unwilling audiences? And how HYPOCRITICAL for that matter?

  95. I dodn’t get it why people get upset when you tell them that you don’t want kids. It’s not that I am trying to ban anyone else to have kids or establish some kind of a political party or society whose agenda will be to eradicate kids from this world. Moreover, it’s not that I hate your or any kids.I don’t care if any of you will have 0, one, two, three or even 12 kids. It’s none of my business and I will never give you advise that 12 kids is too many. If you want them and can provide for them (or even not, there are social services for that) then who am I to judge?

  96. Dyanamicperpective

    I agree with everything the writer has said… and i can say from experience ( I have one 4 year old and & 7 months preg)… You dont just HAVE children, anyhow, without really thinking about it and evaluating how much of your time of attention you are willing to give. I love my babies, but I also wish I had them a later, after accomplishing everything that i wanted to. Both came as a result of failed contraception (what are the chances)..little surprises. I am currently doing my last year in my degree in Physiotherapy…I had intended to embark on a Medical career asap..but, with my second child on the way..I’m beginning to wonder if i’ll have the time for them if I do that.. It hurts, its disappointing, and sometimes you wonder what life would have been for you hadn’t had them so soon… Again, I love my kids. But in all honesty, I was not ready for them, and yes…it will cost me my dreams, or cost them precious time with their mother.

    So, if you don’t want kids because u know exactly what you want out of life, then by all means…be who you are, do what you want, its your life, its your happiness. Don’t place yourself in a situation you’re not ready for or don’t want. Children need to be happy knowing that they’re loved, not resented or an inconvenience. And i think that’s loving them and yourself enough to do whats right. Its not selfish. Its fair. The world is overpopulated anyway..don’t see the species dying out anytime soon.

  97. Good for all you women who understand what you want and what you don’t want in life. I think this is real its all about = if one reds they make three m should make the most of it, and of one doesn’t want kids, they are honest with their selves and again make the most of their the way they choose how.
    I think the only lives people who are miserable with their lives are ones who live to others expectations. I think its sad when I read through the comments below, of ones saying that childless individuals are selfish and vice versa. We have the freedom to choose, to be an individual, and to make the most of our choices. I have been on both sides of the fence. I remained childless for many many years (per choice) and enjoyed every moment of it. And as of last year had my first baby, and yes, its been the most amazing experience of my life (again, by my choice) and for me I have never felt love like I have with my baby. But it was my choice. If someone had guilted me into having baby, or I did this out of some obligation for society- I think I would have resented being a mom.

  98. Oh was I you… I put off marriage for two years after I got engaged as I knew kids were expected of me and I didn’t want any. My sister in law said she “wished for me to have the parent experience” even though she always was tired and stressed! I loved my job, my friends, my travel – EVERYTHING. I didn’t need a baby to give me an excuse to live, I had a 1000 reasons. Even when I was finally pregnant, I was really unsure (and terrified of childbirth- I am petrified of all things medical). THEN I MET HER. SHE CAME INTO THIS WORLD AND RE-DEFINED MINE. I HAVE NEVER LOVED OR BEEN MORE FULFILLED BY ANYTHING THAN THIS BEAUTIFUL, FUNNY, CHARMING, LITTLE GIRL.THIS IS WHAT THEY MEANT. THIS IS EXISTENCE ON A WHOLE OTHER LEVEL. I thought I had completion, maybe this is nature brain-washing me that yes, i did sacrifice a lot of my career and parties and travel and life… but ask me if I give a damn… every morning when I walk into her room and see her smiling face, I am re-defined. I was you. I am no longer you. I have been 1000 percent re-defined by the whole amazing experience. Its like getting hooked on a new amazing drug, and
    I never want to come down. Like all drugs does it have its side affects like sleeplessness, irritability, and etc.. yes, but it feels great. I feel connected to all things in a way unlike before, a monkey cuddling her offspring at the zoo, the man on the subway from a different world economically and racially than mine, looking lovingly at his daughter being cute and funny… i look across the subway car and we smile at each other, both connecting over the same feeling that unites us all. A greater feeling that unites all of humanity- loving your child. I have never felt so connected to the world. Never before could I read a news story about a woman in China losing her baby girl in an earthquake and sob for her like I do now. Why? Because I relate, I feel- I know what a woman, a million miles away, must be feeling- AS A MOTHER. It would blow your mind how the meaning of life changes when you become a part of it. I was operating my own agenda in it, but never really a part of it (or the cycle of it) til my Arabella came along and opened my world.

    • Is this a joke? This phase of euphoria doesn’t last long. This little girl will turn into an adult, get a boyfriend/husband, things change, you’ll take a back seat in her life, she might even emigrate to Australia. She could even become a drunk and blame you for everything. She might blame you for having children of her own because of the gushy way you rabbited on about the joys of being A MOTHER.

      In the uk there are are few decent, secure jobs, no social housing and in fifty years time we’re unlikely to have a NHS system, state pensions etc. Children are small for such a short time and yet life expectancy is increasing all the time. Who is going to look after all these people with dementia? and who is going to pay for them? My own mother has suffered from Alzheimers the last 18 years and watching her deteriorate is not pleasant. My mother was a cute little child once, just like Arabella is now.

      There’s a lot of misery ahead for future generations and I am proud to say that I have created misery for no one. I am not A MOTHER as I thought it was more sensible not to become one. I know plenty of people who are stuggling with children who are “normal” and others who are coping with children who have with some type of disability like autism. Schizopheria can develop in later years. Gushing MOTHERS I think are irresponsible encouraging others to procreate. This doesn’t mean I don’t like children, far from it. My husband and I are going to consider fostering when the time is right.

    • [personal attack deleted by comments editor]

      You love little Arabella and she made your life better, great. However, telling those of us who choose not to (or cannot) have kids that we are not part of life makes you [personal attack deleted by comments editor].

      Also, since men cannot know what others feel AS A MOTHER, do they get dumped in the lifeless pool too? Really woman, get a grip……and fix your caps lock.

  99. There are many personal decisions we make that have little impact on others, but having children isn’t one of those. You are very lucky to live in the one sliver of history where women actually get to choose whether or not to have children, but as more and more young women decide to not have children at all, they are in turn spelling doom to that particular way of life. If we don’t reproduce ourselves, we don’t pass on our culture, and we will in turn be replaced by cultures that do reproduce, usually the non-feminist kind. You are essentially dooming future woman-kind back to subservient status by not supporting the continuing existence of Western Culture.

    • I for one don’t care about future generations or the status of their culture because I will be dead, and I’m not having children. Once I’m dead, the world can burn to a crisp for all I care. Also, what about those of us who don’t like children? I can honestly say that I despise most children…would you still suggest that I have them?

      • [Personal attack deleted by Comments Editor] If you really think that way you shouldn’t get enraged when people look down on you, after all, you are looking down on everyone else and telling them to burn in hell.

        • Selfish? Yes. I was given this life to live, to do with it whatever I please. To make myself happy. I am the most important person in my world. It is natural. If you live any differently then you’re probably being used by others, or don’t take well enough care of yourself. I don’t care if others look down on me, I have my reasons for looking down on them as well. Terrible? No. I’m a good person. I have many friends and family members who love me. I care for animals, and try my best to not harm others, verbally emotionally, or physically unless pushed to do so. I just think it’s unrealistic to put so much emotion into future generations. You will be dead. Once you are dead, there is nothing you can do. Even having children will not guarantee a better tomorrow. I’m pretty sure Jefferey Dahmer’s parents can agree that just because you pop out a kid, doesn’t mean they’ll carry on your sensibilities and culture. Having kids doesn’t make you a good citizen either. Look at all the obese, filthy baby factories taking all of our tax dollars and pumping out kids to receive more government checks, and tell me how beneficial they are to society. Can you please tell me where I said for everyone to burn in Hell??…You’re wrong there, sir, I said no such thing.

    • None of ur beeswax

      Im adopting so there , there is already to many kids that need to be adopted ! Don’t have any more!!!

      • “so there”? Perhaps you misunderstand. I’m not attacking anyone. I am only interested in this subject from a anthropological and evolutionary perspective. Feminism has led to a radical change in how selection works in our societies and that’s going to have enormous consequences for their future of our culture and species. That’s what interests me. By not reproducing, you are selecting yourself out of existence. This would seem contrary to evolution to have a species that doesn’t want to reproduce itself.

        • As the planet is over-populated, to the point where it can no longer support the still growing human population, not having children is actually a survivalist strategy.

          • I don’t disagree that the planet is over-populated on aggregate. And I’m not arguing for a return to a 10 child-family. I’m not arguing for anything. That would be pointless. What is happening now is way beyond anyone’s control to stop it. I am interested in where it’s going though. While the earth may have too many people, it has too many people in all the wrong places. The people who will immigrate to the West and replace us won’t share our culture. Eventually Western culture will die out and with it liberalism, rationality, and science. The future of this world is probably going to look a lot like its past: constant warfare, slavery, inequality, and complete domination of women. I’m just saying. Enjoy it while it lasts.

          • Not sure what “our” culture is or quite what or who you are referring to with such generic remarks but it is verging on racism; sure hope that isn’t what you are implying…

          • I happen to live in a foreign country. Western culture is very real and does exist, whether you realize it or not having never lived outside the Western bubble. Many of the values we hold dear and which make our societies unique mean nothing to the outside world. There’s very little respect for freedoms, truth, reason, and rights among non-Western countries. While not going as far as to say white faces = Western culture, it is true that culture gets passed on from parent to child. We’ve had some success assimilating outsiders, but even the trickle of immigrants we let in have trouble fully assimilating. The surest way to guarantee the future of the culture is through reproduction.

          • So basically your concern is that American and other western cultures propagate to prolong their way of life? I think that your ideas of the future are just that…ideas. I don’t understand why you think your vision of the future for the world is prophecy. I think it’s racist and offensive. You sound like a white supremacist… “white people aren’t having enough kids, other races are taking over the world”… what does it matter. Culture is nothing, simply something society abides to because they think it’s the “correct” way to live. If women are suppressed after I’m dead…so be it. Even having children cannot guarantee them a happy future. War also causes culture changes. You cannot guarantee the future one way or the other, so please stop acting like your BS is fact. It’s getting annoying.

          • you have a point, but it’s only a moment in time. it’s cyclical. meaning, it’ll change when it needs to change. the educated have long been able to exert influence over the uneducated so we won’t get bred out of existence, we’ll simply use new methods to exert influence over the masses, and hopefully that could be for the better instead of just selfish gain like it has been. we could exert influence for example to mastermind a revolution in educational infrastructure and delivery such that our top organizations wouldn’t always face a shortage of intellectual talent, as is currently the case. maybe having lots more smart people on the planet, we might be able to come up with an innovative solution to the resources problem, so that overpopulation is not an issue anymore.

          • The problem is all evidence suggests we are getting dumber in general. The evolutionary pressure that once supported intelligence no longer exists. People are born into a world that’s already been built and requires very little from them. Finding food is as easy as walking to the nearest grocery store. And those women that seem to have the highest education produce the fewest babies, exacerbating the dumbing of our species.

          • Actually if you look at the history of the West, its been through a lot of what the rest of the world is going through. Other cultures will advance too, and probably reach a similar level of culture and values as the West. What you are suggesting would not happen for a number of generations, and you’re also not taking into account the infiltration of our infidelic values into the Middle East slowly turning their next generations “Western”. They are the ones more likely to migrate to the West and therefore maintain the values they came for. The extremists are just a very vocal and, unfortunately, “explosive” part of it.

          • I disagree. Other countries may adopt our consumerism and technology but not inherit our culture of individual liberty and enlightenment thinking, which are the true bedrock from which modernity is based. Without the West as the global leaders the other countries would return to their cultural roots where freedom is optional and women are second-class citizens.

          • How do you think the West reached the standard of civilisation its currently at?
            All other cultures will eventually reach a similar state as they throw down the shackles of religions and totalitarian regimes. Its only a matter of time (although the West’s interfering in foreign countries will only slow serve to slow this down!)

          • We reached this point through competition. Nations had to get richer to support larger armies or be wiped out. The post World War 2 consumer boom was sort of mistake. The war machine that gathered huge resources to pay for the war turned its spending on domestic causes after the war. It wasn’t until the 70s that the elite were able to start tearing it down. What’s happened in the rest of the world since then has been countries trying to keep up with the US. But if the West falls as the leader of progress, other countries will not pick up the torch. We will take a step back to a time of greater inequality and hardship, like the 19th century.

        • I don’t think feminism has anything to do with it… Or at least, not the only factor. If EVERYONE had kids, we would die out a lot faster. By me not having children, I am guaranteeing a better quality of life for others.

          • Not factually true. Statistically speaking, everyone does have one kid. The birth rate is 1.4 where I am. That’s 1.4 children per couple. But you need 2 children per couple to maintain the current population. The truth is, even if everyone did have one kid, we’d still die out because the population would shrink to nothing. Just like what will happen to Japan.

          • Everyone in YOUR area has children. I know plenty of people who don’t have children in my area, so NO. Not EVERYONE has kids. We will not die out, our population will just decrease. Talk about facts dude…lol. Oh, and since you’re interested in the theory of evolution, do you think that perhaps men and women being born infertile is mother nature’s way of saying “STOP BREEDING”??

          • Perhaps you don’t understand the concept of the birth rate, which is surprising considering you mentioned how “intelligent” you are. I guess I should more accurately say “fertility rate”. Some women have more than 2 children, some have none, but the average is between 1 and 2. Unless you live in France or the USA your country is not replacing itself. Some people are flawed, can’t reproduce or wont’ reproduce, they will be selected out of the species. By choosing not to have children you are also selecting yourself out of the species and really that’s just fine. Whatever traits you possess which dissuade you from motherhood are disadvantageous to humanity and should be eliminated.

          • Actually, I am aware that the birth rate is dropping lower, but I’m not disillusioned into thinking that is spells out doom for the human race. I think it’s actually quite ridiculous to think that we are going to die out from lack of breeding. We will probably kill each other through war, or pollution or something of that nature before we stop breeding. We have plenty of uneducated people, and unplanned/unwed teenage pregnancies to keep the population going for us. I actually never mentioned my own intelligence, but since you mentioned it, yes. I do consider myself to be an intelligent and educated person. Just because I choose not to have children doesn’t mean my genes won’t be passed on. I have an identical twin who is interested in motherhood. You know, I’m getting really sick of your shit, and other men who thinks it’s a woman’s job to be a mother. Men participate in the fun part…conception. Maybe if YOU had a foreign body growing inside of you, making you sick, kicking your organs and ribs from the inside, stretching your skin to the point of huge stretchmarks and sagging skin, and then, having to PUSH it out of you to the point where it rips you open, losing control of your bladder after birth…then having to BREAST feed it, which makes your nipples chap, crack, and bleed…maybe you would understand. Oh, and best part of it all is that men find you UNATTRACTIVE afterwards. All the dad has to do is occasionally change a diaper. Not to mention putting up with tantrums, and having to teach a person how to do EVERYTHING. No thank you. I’ll leave breeding to the less fortunate who do not understand that it’s a choice.

          • You call yourself educated yet you make wild assumptions about what I think and pigeon-hole me into a preconceived mold you have developed for me. I really don’t care if you breed or not. Others will. The ones who breed will be the future of the species, so the genes you possess that turn you off reproduction won’t be continued. What I am interested in is which genes exactly are preventing you from breeding and why has it become so common recently.

          • Being educated has absolutely nothing do to with my making assumptions of your character. Forgive me, I suppose all I had to base my assumptions on were your comments! You say that non-breeders will be wiped out by breeders…obviously I come from a long line of breeders, so your argument is bunk. That’s like saying gays will be wiped out by straight people. Maybe it isn’t a GENE that makes people not want to breed. Maybe it’s us looking outside of our baser instincts and asking ourselves, “Is it RESPONSIBLE to breed”? I’m only 22 and already in massive debt due to lack of heath insurance in my past, and also paying off student loans. I also don’t like children very much! They are a burden. Anyone who says differently is lying. I am just realistic, society brainwashes us into thinking that parenthood is a beautiful miracle, full of happiness and joy. None of my friends seem to enjoy being a parent that much. All they do is bitch about their kids. All I see in public are bratty, whiny, screaming kids throwing tantrums and making messes. I see this because I have EYES and refuse to be brainwashed by Gerber and Hallmark…not because of some gene. The government has something to gain by us having children…as far as I’m concerned, I pay enough taxes towards helping children that there is no need for me to have my own, because I’m financially supporting enough of them as it is.

          • Part of what makes us an “intelligent” species is that we can think beyond our instincts. Our genes give us our instincts, whereas our choices come from many many more factors. Hence why many people, in a world so full of modern wonders compared to even 100 years ago, are choosing things other than reproducing.

            There may even be a slight hive mind mentality going on that we’re not really aware of. What are we really concerned about as a species? The survival of the species, or the survival of a piece of ourselves? If we’re already in an extended family, aren’t the same genes as our own being continued by those in the family who are reproducing? All of this is filtered into our collective subconscious whether we know it or not, and maybe it helps inform our choices? The species is not going to die out any time soon I’m afraid.

          • Firstly, as a parent I’d like to say that if you don’t have children, you don’t get to claim you understand the process and pain of birth and breastfeeding. Also, he’s not saying that all women should have children, he’s saying that a steadily declining birth rate amongst educated people is bad. Whether you agree with him or not, freaking out because he’s a man isn’t helping anything. It’s none of anyone’s business whether or not you want children, but we’re talking about society as a whole here.

          • I might not PERSONALLY know, but I have seen enough videos and heard about it from PLENTY of women, and it is less than convincing for me to have a child. It’s not just the pain of birth, I have been pregnant before, and it was the WORST experience of my life and I’m glad it’s never going to happen again. How about instead of simply relying on “educated” people to keep the birth rate up, people pick up a damned book?? Damn, it’s like you people expect the intelligent people to save the world. People are THAT lazy?? Why don’t they just better themselves? I could give two shits about society. I live my life for myself. Anyone else besides family and my husband…I don’t care about their quality of life. Not my problem.

      • Sad thing is i was raised in this time ,34 SINGLE WOMEN ,Whom dreamed of having a family and sad thing this article is true .everyone i meet men in there late 30’s don’t want the family thing just hang out and see how many women they can sleep with .Sorry my mother raised me with Morales .I went on two dates the other night and he told a good friend .How many dates before i get in her pants ???? Are you serious women these days give it up way to easy kills it for me Thanks whores .Guess i will be living in this cold world alone !!!

  100. Phil, your assertion that if some women choose not to have children our way of life is doomed makes no sense. It’s not as though everybody is making that choice. Try to calm down a bit…

  101. Really people , u don’t need to have kids ! I’m planning on adoption so stop this crap

  102. Loved reading this article! Love babies but children, nah I’m good! It’s nice to not feel so alone as a twenty-something surrounded by others popping out children left and right. I don’t need a child to feel self-worth. I enjoy the luxury of traveling when I can, having a night out with the girls, etc..I love being responsible for myself and having the freedom of doing as I please.

  103. When I speak to women who do not have children, I am not angry at them, nor disgusted at the choice. In fact, not having kids is good for the planet at this point as we are multiplying more like bacteria than mammals. My sadness for come comes from the joy and love that I felt when they handed me mine. Nothing could have prepared me for that intense love, something more wonderful and complete than I had ever felt. Pure simple overpowering sweet love. No job, career or travel experience can give you this. And so, while I respect this choice it does make me personally sad for the moments that they will not have. I do respect the personal choice.

  104. Not everyone is cut out to be a parent.
    It is an awesome responsibility. I sincerely believe it is the most
    difficult, the most challenging, the most rewarding and ultimately
    the most important job there is on the face of the earth. It takes
    commitment, sacrifice and hard work which, in this selfish and
    me-oriented world, is certainly too much of a journey for most
    people to embark on. At one time I did not think I wanted children,
    but I did have them. My mindset quickly went from one of no interest
    to that of being absolutely enamored with being a mother. I now have
    grandchildren and they are the joy of my life. Yes it does often
    include weariness, frustration and the like, but just as tiresome and
    tedious exercise leads to incredible benefits, (you even get to enjoy
    the exercise after awhile, or at least appreciate it), the emotions
    and self-deprivations that are invested in a child lead to an
    incredible joy and satisfaction that one has to experience to fathom.
    Additionally, raising children is not a life sentence. As adults, my
    children are also some of my best friends. There are many parents
    that never find the joy that I speak of because parenting to them is
    a chore instead of something to be savored, even in difficult times.
    A letter from a teenager telling you how much they love you and how
    your words came back to them at a time they needed them is more
    heart-lifting than any award a company can give you. You know
    you’ve made a difference. Lastly, being a parent is enduring, because
    if the job is well-done, it createss a ripple effect that not only spreads
    to those around, but also saturates the generations. It is our

    Come to think of it, maybe
    being a good parent is the ultimate in both selflessness and
    selfishness. Either way – and please don’t take this wrong, I’m just
    stating an apparent truth – you’ll never know.

    • Actually ma’am, most parents that I know, that are my age are awful mothers. They are not cut out to be mothers. They love their children, don’t get me wrong, but when I stayed with one friend for about a week, I did not see her give her daughter a bath not ONCE. She just wiped her down with a baby wipe. When her daughter got up out of bed at around 9am, and tell her mom her diaper was full of urine and that she was hungry, she just turned the TV on to drown her out. She loves her daughter to pieces, but frankly, love is not enough to make you a good mom. When I am there, I make sure her daughter is fed, has a dry diaper, and is clean. I would make a better mother than her, and I know it. I have motherly instincts and have sacrificed sleepless nights bottle feeding kittens and helping them to empty their bowels so I am familiar with what a new born would be like. However, I don’t want children. Pregnancy and birth is disgusting. I’m sorry but that’s a fact. Just because a baby is involved doesn’t make it beautiful, that’s just an illusion. You might think I’m selfish, but I think it’s selfish to impose more resource-suckers onto this planet who will probably also reproduce. Just my opinion.

    • What about all the teenagers who accidentally get pregnant, never gt a job and live off child benefits. Suddenly it all doesn’t seem as hard.

      Then there are those who go to university, get a degree in medicine, go and work at a hospital or care home looking after hundreds if not thousands of patients a year, saving lives or at the very least reducing someone’s suffering. They’ve decided they wouldn’t have time to have children and still do the job they love doing. One or the other would suffer, either their care to their patients, or the child’s upbringing…

      I know a lot of parents who are only parents because they wanted a fashion accessory.

      All of a sudden life isn’t so clear-cut afterall.

  105. I’m in my late 20s, and I do not want children now or ever. I’ve always felt this way. My best friend has a daughter, which is something she always wanted.

    I don’t want kids. She wants kids. How is one choice selfish and one choice selfless, respectively? We’re both just doing what we want to do.

  106. I feel like you hold some sort of grudge against people with
    children. I completely understand where you are coming from and I
    couldn’t agree more that with your opinions and views I don’t think you
    should have children either. I mean if you dislike every aspect of
    childbirth and raising children then I wouldn’t even think you would be a
    good mother so it seems right for you not to want to have children.

    I understand you get a lot of pressure but I don’t think you should
    discount people so easily for their opinions. I honestly feel like you
    were pressured over and over again and you never even took the time to
    think if you wanted children at all; to me it just sounds like you got
    mad and formed your opinion based off of others.

    I’m not fighting for you for either side I just wish that you would honestly take a
    small chuck of time out of your hectic career and travel filled life to
    honestly think about what YOU want, not what others want from you.

    And I’m sorry but I could not disagree with your opinion on elderly homes
    more. I’m sure they have created more and better ways to take care of
    the elderly but I don’t think a nursing home will ever be a substitute
    for your daughter or son coming over to see how you’re doing and showing
    they care about you. You say you understand love so well but honestly I
    can’t say I see you do.

    You only stated the terrible things about being a parent but you don’t even attempt to say any of the good things. There are plenty of reasons why children are wonderful and amazing and only highlighting the diaper wearing and house destroying years isn’t exactly fair or creating a clear picture.

    I’m sorry that this comment came out a bit forward but I just think that this article wasn’t thought through well on a subject that isn’t a simple decision at all.

    • For some, it IS a simple decision. I look at children, and do not find them cute or endearing. I look at them and see a filthy disgusting, shrieking, spoiled, obnoxious midget. I do not like children. I have watched birthing videos in health class. I see how broke my friends are that have children. There may be “good” aspects to having children, but I do not have the desire to mother someone, nor the patients. You are right, I WOULD make an awful mother. I AM angry about everyone pressuring me, or asking me about it. But that isn’t what influenced my decision at all. I’ve always thought that babies were repulsive ever since a very young age. In second grade a teacher’s daughter brought her baby in. Everyone thought it was adorable and I just stood there and stared at it. It was drooling all over itself, shitting it’s pants and it proceeded to vomit all over itself, and the floor. That’s the first time I can remember thinking to myself “I will NEVER want to do that”. If the good parts about parenting are play time and cuddling, I have friends who have children that I can do that with, I don’t need to put my body through hell to do so!

    • “I understand you get a lot of pressure but I don’t think you should discount people so easily for their opinions”

      The problem is that those with children, or who are saying the author should have children are the ones who are discounting HER opinion. That is probably why she has gotten to this point as she feels unheard in a society where many people pop out sprogs purely because they have been told to (at its most basic) and then convince themselves its the right thing and everyone should do the same. This is exactly how I feel, because I’m getting the same opinions thrust on me by people with kids, and I’m a bloke!

      “And I’m sorry but I could not disagree with your opinion on elderly homes more. I’m sure they have created more and better ways to take care of the elderly but I don’t think a nursing home will ever be a substitute for your daughter or son coming over to see how you’re doing and showing they care about you. You say you understand love so well but honestly I can’t say I see you do.”

      And so love is raising kids just so you have someone to look after you in your dotage? That’s not love, its just plain selfish. Love is having kids, raising them well, giving them an education, letting them chose their own path even if it leads them away from you and never expecting that they’ll return so they can look after you. Of course if they love you back then no doubt they will come and take care of you (at least somewhat), but to expect it as in your example is definitely not love. Rethink the selflessness of love. It doesn’t take a child to make someone realise what love is or to have felt love. True love is between those who are not related and find they want to spend time with each other. Families can truly love each other, but the very fact they are forced together by genetic relationships means you have to look more closely at the relationships before you can say it is a true form of love or just one manufactured by necessity and proximity.

  107. feminism continues to destroy our society…the one thing only a woman can be…a wife and mother…thanks culture of death

    • That’s sexist…you’re acting like a fascist

      • she’s not acting fascist by pointing out that many feminists overreact by so zealously belittling that one thing that only women have a claim to, and that’s motherhood. it’s okay to promote the rights of women to live all and every type of lifestyle they choose, but why belittle and alienate the woman that actually chooses to embrace her unique biological claim?

        • I’m sorry, but as a woman and an individual, I do not take claim to motherhood. I would sooner die than give birth or be pregnant. Mostly, we are speaking on how we think it’s the worst job in the world for US. We don’t want to be mothers. Big deal. We don’t care if other people want to have babies. Just don’t pressure us to do it too… or ask me to hold your baby or to babysit for you unless you plan on paying me $100 for the night at least. It IS sexist to say that it’s a woman’s job to have babies. My job is to do whatever the fuck I please, thank you very much, and that doesn’t include having children ;).

          • no one is arguing your right to live your life as YOU choose. You do what you want.

            I think the argument here is that so many are belittling the role of housewife and/or motherhood that many women CHOOSE, in the name of feminism.

            It actually hurts women. Like what, they should feel ashamed just because all they want to do is stay home and take care of their kids. There are LOTS of women, that once they start having children, all they really want to do is take care of them fulltime. The feminist zealots do their darndest to make those women look like weaklings, like they’ve been brainwashed by men and society cause they want to stay home. Why has it got to be one or the other?

          • I don’t care if women choose to stay home and raise their kids. I think it’s a legitimate choice. However, what I have an issue with is those same women look down on me for my choice. They tell me that I’ll change my mind, or that I’m not a real woman until I have kids. It’s very degrading. I don’t tell her that she isn’t a real, empowered, independent individual because she relies on someone else to take care of her financially like a child. That she isn’t a contributing member to society…or playing the role of the martyr by claiming that it’s the “hardest job in the world”. Sorry ma’am, but I think being an astrophysicist, a soldier, or some one who diffuses bombs for a living is much more stressed, and is much more difficult than making meals, cleaning, and watching TV while the kids nap…I can be very degrading too. However, I don’t really care what other people do with their lives because it has no impact on mine. I don’t believe that they are brainwashed. My BIGGEST issue with these women/families besides them thinking they know how my life will turn out, is the fact that they get huge tax breaks, and usually more off time from work. Sorry, but you chose to have kids, I don’t think you deserve breaks in life because of it!

          • There’s way less child free women, and people simply see women without children as not being real women and worthless to society.

          • “My job is to do whatever the fuck I please, thank you very much.”
            The world cannot thank you enough for deciding not to be a mother, ever. We cannot imagine what future would be like half a century later when it is filled and run with children brought up with that kind of attitude.

          • You can kiss my ass 🙂 also, your kids are/will be nothing special. It’s my life, I choose to do with it whatever I please. Thankfully, I choose not to drink, do drugs or party, I’m a student, and I hold down a steady job. More than what most people with kids can say. Most mother’s don’t even work and rely on a man to pay all the bills…THAT’S something REALLY great to teach your kids…awesome life lesson…just pump out kids like a baby factory and rely on someone else to take care of the responsibilities in life, then you NEVER really have to grow up. I’m glad I choose not to be a mother too! Man…imagine having to spend all that money and time and energy on something that doesn’t even appreciate it…Noooo thanks.

          • Is holding a baby really that painful? I never really was a baby person either… but holding a baby? What’s wrong with that? Way different than having one.

          • I don’t like holding babies because it makes me uncomfortable. I don’t like children and it makes it even worse when they squirm or cry

          • Because I don’t like children…? Pretty obvious lol… Especially when they start squirming and crying and pooping.

          • But I can think of many other things that ARE more painful… like working long shifts, waiting in traffic, getting dental surgery (or any surgery). Are you really young? There are many things in life that are thousands of times worse. Labor is one of those though – you got that right! Do you have siblings with children? Wouldn’t that hurt their feelings if you refused to help them?

          • I agree that all of those things are painful, but for someone who HATES children and babies, holding a baby is pretty hard, uncomfortable, and awkward. No, I’m not really young, this coming birthday (a few weeks), I will be in my mid twenties. I don’t have any siblings with children, even if I did, I live on the other side of the planet. They live in America, and I live in Germany. Even if we lived close by, I wouldn’t care too much if it hurt their feelings. It’s their child. They choose to have a baby. It isn’t my responsibility to help them, that’s their job and the baby’s father.

          • Yes, I agree, those things ARE painful. But for someone who HATES children, just being around them is painful. I can’t stand their presence. Everything about children is aggravating to me. No, I am really not that young. I’ll be in my mid-twenties in a couple of weeks. No, I don’t have siblings with children. One sister is pregnant, but that isn’t really any of my concern. I also live in different country than her. She lives in America, and I live in Germany. Even if I lived closer, it isn’t my responsibility to help her with her child. That is up to her and her husband. Just because we are blood related, does not mean I am obligated to baby sit, or help her with her child in anyway. She choose to get pregnant, I did not ask to be involved. She knows my stance on children so I doubt she will ask me to help any time soon. I would not help for free.

          • Yes, those things are painful I agree! I’m not that young, I’m going to be in my mid-twenties in a few weeks. I do have a sibling that is pregnant, but it isn’t my job to help her. She has a husband for that. I am not a built in babysitter just because we share DNA. Also, thankfully, I live in Germany and she lives in America. I don’t care much if it would hurt her feelings anyway, she choose to get pregnant, it’s her problem.

  108. i agree that this is a “free” society and the decision to have children is a choice, but be careful in your arguments not to belittle the powerful life experience that having a child or children is. such a decision is really not the same as choosing no-fat over 1%, and honestly this article just seethes with personal frustration moreso than it sounds to be coming from a well balanced argument.

    the thing is, much of the beauty of life is dealing with the challenges it presents, and the growth we experience as a result of facing those challenges. well, there are few if any greater challenges than raising a child, and few if any other experiences that so completely confront us with ourselves and make us grow.

    most of those “miserable” couples that you see, are actually just going through the natural struggle that comes with such a major ongoing challenge. ask them if they would turn back the clock and choose not to have children. few would say yes, even candidly. let’s put it another way. when you go to a gym, you see expressions of pain and struggle on people’s faces, but they are still better off for having been there. ask them if it hurts, and they’ll say yes. ask them if they regret having been, and you’d be hard pressed to find anyone who would turn back the clock on the time they spent working out.

    furthermore, wrong is the assumption that being a mother means transforming into a “Stepford Wife”. there again comes across the frustration, as the connotation made by the horror film reference is very negative, as if choosing to run a household is not a legitimate major challenge like any other, such as being a ceo, which is aspired to. like most men (or women) will never be successful ceo’s, most women or men will likely never achieve a perfectly running household. ask around, it’s a lot harder than you realize.

    being a mother takes on as many shapes and forms as there are mothers, just as being a father does not per definition mean i’m trying to run out there and be a ceo. we all simply do the best we can to find the model that fits us best.

    “it breaks my heart to see women who could have done so much more turn into their husband’s “dream woman””

    and why shouldn’t my wife want to be my “dream woman”? what, she should aspire to be my worst waking nightmare? i certainly do my best to be her dream husband. it doesn’t take away from me being me, and it doesn’t mean i go around hammering things when that’s not my thing. my wife chose to be with me. so being her “dream husband” just means i’m always working to be a better me.

    “These are woman who could have changed the world, but instead they act as a housekeeper”

    i would argue that running a successful household with happy and healthy children IS changing the world.

    • “well, there are few if any greater challenges than raising a child, and few if any other experiences that so completely confront us with ourselves and make us grow.”

      That would depend on the child, surely?
      But seriously, there are many people in this world who are thrust into parenthood without planning it (not saying they aren’t happy about it though, just not ready for it) and they manage to get by and raise their children. Raising a child isn’t hard, raising them well is something else.
      However, even those who raise their children brilliantly might find it impossible to educate themselves in or have a career in even something they really love doing (even if the child were not in the equation).
      You can say that raising a child is lifelong, and that’s why its a challenge, but so too can a career be. And then how many mistakes do parents make in raising children. Its all a huge learning process for the new parent, but there is breathing room to make such mistakes. The same can not be said for those in high-powered careers where even the tiniest mistake can cost lives or millions of £/$/etc. So raising a child well is a challenge, but there are both lesser and greater challenges out there. It all depends on the person. Afterall, we are naturally meant to raise children… we are not naturally meant to skydive (for example!)

      I think what the author of the post is trying to say is that its so infuriating when parents say things like “there is no greater challenge than raising a child…” because that is basically dismissing everything else as worthless or the person who decides to remain childless as incapable, and while you might love the challenge and it holds worth for you, it can not be denied that there are so many people out there who only have children because it is “the done thing” – its what is expected of them by family, friends, society, etc. and so they do have children, resentfully, and can no longer satisfy their other dreams and desires, and therefore have to justify that their lives are fulfilled by raising their children. And it can’t be denied that this happens a lot!

  109. It’snot just women who feel the pressure. As my wedding to my fiancee draws nearer, and because her sister already has two (troublesome) children, the subject of us having kids one day (but one day soon!) is cropping up more and more. “You’re kids will be lovely, and well behaved!” is often said as a future comparison with the nephews-to-be.

    All of the points brought up in this article I agree with, both in terms of them applying to women, and from a man’s point of view. My fiancee’s body isn’t just a baby factory, and my testicles are not just there to provide the glue for the baby building blocks! I’m not driven by economical success, or being better than anyone else. I just strive for my own personal improvement, and selfish as it may be, I know that having children will get in the way of me continuing to improve myself (through education, qualifications, career, DIY, fitness, and all the other things I enjoy doing). But why shouldn’t I continue to improve something (me) that I know is already providing to society in a beneficial way rather than creating something that might just become a burden to society? That leads me into another argument about how kids always come first as if they are this source of unlimited and great potential… but like I say that’s another argument.

    • The answer to your argument might be time. What might seem impossible in x amount of time, it becomes inevitable as x grows larger.

      In the space/time reality at least, the kid has great potential. You are that kid! :).

      In terms of a soul and zero time the kid has greatest potential as well. It is connected to the source with infinite knowledge and potential.

    • If the kids are ‘troublesome’ you need only to point to the parents to know why that is the case.

      • You don’t consider the constant crying of infants troublesome? Surely the parents aren’t to blame for that… Also, kids will be kids and throw tantrums for no reason sometimes, although it is still troublesome. Luckily, we are humans and can choose whether or not we procreate, unlike animals driven by instinct.

  110. Have nothing against your stand, but cannot help noticing many “I”s in certain paragraphs while reading your article.

  111. This here is Bull Crap , Your just selfish and confused about your personal life . Jesus said ‘Be fruitful and multiply’ not be self centered and do things your way . Smh

    • I for one, am an atheist, and for someone who is using religion as an excuse, you should know that it was GOD who said “be fruitful and multiply”, not Jesus. The bible also says to kill prostitutes, and in one part of the bible, it actually says to KILL babies…funny how religious people pick and choose which parts of the bible to follow. Maybe YOU’RE the one who’s confused thinking that everyone has to live the same life. Also, what about people who are infertile but decided to embrace it? Would you have the balls to say that they’re selfish too? I’m a proud CHILDFREE woman, there’s nothing you could say to bring me down…also “This here is bullcrap”…lmfao. Oh, and YOU’RE*

    • Well Jesus said didn’t say this God did and have you heard him say such lmao some people. Well most people are multiplying like rabbits and not married so your comment is just as you wrote Bull crap. I love how some people have this great need too call others self centered when they won’t go with crazy society assumptions lmao funny !! What makes another female selfish, or confused for wanting to live her God given life as she chooses ? I applaud her honesty , her confidence , not needing to validate being a woman by getting in the stirrups and pushing out another mouth to feed is her decision , not yours. Sounds to me just by reading your words your a bit over whelmed wit the kiddos, the hubby telling you what to do. Seek help and gain some insight about who you are before you try preaching to another !!

  112. I so wish your mother would have decided not to give birth to you so you would have not written such a stupid article! People like you are selfish & self-centered who always think about themselves. You’ll always be looking for excuses to shy away from your responsibilities be it for your family, your friends or for anyone else.

    • Why do you think it’s her “responsibility” to have children…better yet, why do you think it’s any of your BUSINESS??

      • I love this ! I agree with your reply to the STUPID COMMENT made by what appears to be a damn lunatic , or someone who is so into themselves that the rest should agree with there way of life !! Not me i agree with anything that brings another human true everlasting happiness.. LMAO STUPID ARTICLE WELL I THINK NOT this was a great article very well written, only stupid thing here is the ignorant person who wrote your mother should not have given birth to you, lmao what a STUPID COMMENT !!!! How is not having babies shying away from responsibility ? !. Pfft some humans need to get a real grip and really think before they speak or write !! What a world some must live in. BRAVO for asking this person why they assume it is there damn business anyway !!

        • Some people are so ignorant…they’ve been lead their whole lives to believe that there is only right path in life, and anyone who strays from the manufactured idea of what is a good life, you are a failure or a lunatic smh. I kind of feel sorry for those who feel like life has a plan and a script and feel like they have to fit into this little box that society has built for them…they will never truly know the satisfaction of being free from “rules” that govern so many…you just have to choose to step beyond that line. I have never been happier because of it. Thank you for being one of the smart ones and realizing that the way you live your life is a CHOICE! Everything in life is a choice, even living is a choice. Some people don’t understand this concept.

          • Socrates said “a wise man knows the extent of his ignorance.” Nor do we really have free will. Think about it… demographics (SES, education, location, parents, genetics, health, looks) provide and/or negate opportunities!

          • Location? Education? Health? Looks? All of those things are things than can be helped and changed provided that you have the ambition, desire and money to do so. The only thing in life that you can’t help are who your family is, and any possible birth defects. Everything from there on is a decision.

    • That’s honestly a very disgusting way to think. If anything, I think most people who have children are more selfish than child free people. People would rather make carbon copied of themselves and not realize they’re ruining the world. In fact, if you don’t have kids, you can travel and do more humanitarian work,

    • You also sound angry. It seems like you have someone in your life who has sadly not been responsible to you or your family. Better to not have a family then to have one and mistreat them. I’m sorry for whatever has happened to you to make you so angry at an article written by someone you don’t know who has a different perspective than you do. You may want to seek help for this misplaced anger.

  113. I am a woman of 38 who didn’t give up my job to have a child. My daughter’s father wasn’t in the position to support us financially at all and because he needed to develop his skills to change his career, he wasn’t in the position to help much with child care. I had to battle with him every step of the way to get time for my well paid work-from-home job. After a year he started a full time job which meant even less time for me to work, he did not have any thoughts for how that would affect me. I raged and shouted and moved away from him, which made things even harder again, but at least it meant that I was not stuck at home waiting for him to come back from work every day. He then went down to a 4 day week, my daughter started nursery 8hrs/wk, and things got easier. It is still crazy hectic. But I have my professional life, and my daughter has a good and close relationship with both parents. It makes me cry to think of how hard the first two years of motherhood were, mostly because my man could not truly understand that I wanted the same as him: Children AND a professional life. I think that attitude is the biggest argument for a woman not to have children. So if you do decide to have kids, and you don’t think you would be happy as a full time mum, choose a man who understands that men and women are equal, then stand your ground and NEVER back down.

  114. I So agree with you on this subject ! Just as you stated in your article this is your decision and this may not be the truth for other females. In most customs females lose there OWN identities too motherhood, wife, driving the kids and friends to here there and every where. One day you could adopt, you could foster children and this can be twice as rewarding as well. I read some of the comments below well i laughed at the thought of a female putting down her sister for being honest. Females need too validate each other not tear there wishes apart. Hello we are all human and we are individuals so lets act as such !! Bravo great writing and honesty about who you are as a STRONG, INDEPENDENT, FEMALE .

  115. most women are very pathetic nowadays, and such Losers as well.

    • Sounds like you’re the expert on being a pathetic loser so I might have to take what you said seriously… *eye roll*

  116. Not having children is selfish, period. First, you rely on other couples to have children. Those people who are “tired, busy, and seldom have lives that are fully theirs” like you say. They people make a sacrifice so humanity continues, because if everyone makes the same choice as you, there will be no humanity anymore, because nobody will be there. Second, I am sure you are thankful for your parents who raised you, now do the same for your children.

    • Wow dude. You really need to seek out some knowledge on the subject of world over-population. We already are at a totally unsustainable level and will by all accounts be at ten billion people in 60 years. That’s even with more women/couples making the choice to HELP our species by abstaining from children.

      • In my opinion what the world needs aren’t children, children, children, but educated adults who lead ecological life styles, care about the enviroment etc.– not just their own off-spring!

        How many people are criminals, selfish jerks, how many abuse social support etc.– they were all children. A child might or might not became a person of worth, someone who makes to world better, but it will certainly pollute it. Sorry, but bringing children into the world doesn’t make you special, hard working or selfless.

    • Where do you get off telling others what to do with their bodies and lives?

    • By the very definition, if you live for yourself your are indeed SELFISH.
      Vincent is 100% correct. Too much selfishness and greed is precisely why the world in the sad shape it is today.

      • Get over it. People live their lives the way they want, and you sitting there judging them isn’t going to change it. It just makes you look bitter and jealous. Even having children is selfish. You do it because you want to! If you really wanted to make a difference in the world/a child’s life, you would adopt. That way, you would not only save a child, but you would also not bring another resource sucker into this already over burdened world. Plain and simple…everyone is selfish, and one form of selfishness does not trump another.

        • Even having children is selfish. You do it because you want to! If you really wanted to make a difference in the world/a child’s life, you would adopt. –> exactly.

          People who decided to have children often suffer, have more stress than child-free, but it *was* their choice. If I cut my leg off, I wouldn’t be going around telling people with two legs how selfish they are because they have two legs and easier life, therefore they should cut one leg off just like me.

      • I don’t think you would call it selfish that she didn’t want children.
        But having children does make one more selfless.

      • Ridiculous. All the people with kids I know hardly care about anything besides themslves and their own children, they think the kids are the centre of the world. The majority of child free people are educated fellows, who often lead ecological live styles, care about animals, contribute to society. People’s choice to have children and live *for them* hardly affects society as whole.

        Also, if the world is in such a sad shape then why do people want to bring more people here? So they suffer? Everyone knows that life can be hell, but people who want children don’t give a rat’s ass if the child is born sick, ugly or if it will suffer and commit suicide at 15, etc. etc. They want a child for themselves, not for the potential person’s happiness. How isn’t this selfish?

        Child-free doesn’t equal living just for yourself.

      • Perhaps you’re just a tedious breeder. It’s not as though there are these pre-existing spirits waiting for particular people to give birth to them. Thus, why do you suggest that those with no desire to reproduce are selfish or narcissists? How is this selfish? Do we owe an imaginary potential child something? It could be easily argued that having children is selfish since, whether or not the human race benefits from it or not, your DNA as part of our future pool. You foist your offspring into the collective whether the species truly benefits or not: that seems pretty selfish to me. If reproducing has made you feel content and raising children is your highest ambition, then fine, but others don’t succumb to this biological imperative. Having children is no more commendable than going to the bathroom to discard food after extracting its nutrients. We are collectively biologically driven to want sex, in the the main goal the being the preservation of the species, but that urge has outworn it’s necessity. Though we might try to embellish this urge with more poetic justifications and altruistic rationale, there is nothing more to it. Get over yourself.

    • I don’t think she has children so what’s your point?

    • But it is a “selfish” that is OK because no one wants an unhappy mommy and daddy!

    • So what if there will be no humanity anymore? I think that other species would be quite glad. People who think they “make a sacrifice so humanity continues” are, well, idiots? How does it matter whether humanity continues or not? Do you think that people who don’t exist will regret not existing?

  117. Vincent, your argument is absurd.

    People who choose not to have children are simply living their lives the way that makes sense for them. That choice is no more selfish than any other.

    With a global population that has doubled in the last fifty years to over 7 billion and is projected to reach 10 billion well before the end of this century, there is no need to worry about humanity disappearing unless it is by using up all the world’s resources…

  118. For the record, I have children. Neither was planned. Both are deeply loved and not resented. I am married, with a rewarding career and happy. Sometimes it’s boring and I wish I could travel spontaneously. Sometimes I wish I didn’t have to do 4 loads of laundry a day. I totally get people not wanting to have kids, I don’t find them (as a group) to be sad or selfish. Overpopulation is a serious problem.

    I do, however, have a problem with your aggressive attitude in this article. Saying we as a group look miserable, or that you find child-rearing repulsive probably has a lot more to do with the way you’re treated than with your actual decisions. I think you maybe need to calm down. Not everyone is judging you. If you don’t want to be thought of as self-centered you should probably stop saying things that sound selfish and self-centered. Just a thought…

    • The post did not seem aggressive to me–perhaps you are both assuming a defensive position because you imagine society is “shunning or attacking” when in reality no one really cares. We all come from different points of view and we can only control our own thoughts and actions and do what we feel is right. The article implies deeper societal expectations for women that are patriarchal–times change.

    • Why do you feel she sounded aggressive? She was just sharing her life experience. It sounds like you were not as responsible in planning. Pregnancy is 100% preventable with modern birth control. I’m not sure why your children weren’t planned unless you are a guardian for children who had no other family members to go to. You just sound angry.

  119. Hey Kate if you don’t want to have any children then don’t have any children, and don’t feel bad about it. If you want to get a degree, have a career, or travel the world, do it. Doing all of that is truly tough if you have children as lovely as they are and that’s no joke. I’m not saying that it can’t be done, but it’s pretty challenging. People think that they can have it all, but truly they can’t. I think maybe for a brief moment it may seem like a person can have it all, but something gives and it’s usually the family. A lot of people will be in denial and say no, but it’s true, just ask the kids. I work with students and hear it all the time. Children are wonderful gifts from God, and they are also huge responsibilities as well. It takes a lot of maturity to know that you know that you don’t want any. If you decide that later on in life that you do want children, you can adopt because there are plenty to adopt right here in our own country. By then you will have done a lot of the things that you wanted to do and then you can really focus on the children until they get to an age where you can get back to what you loved doing before only this time with family modified I’m sure. 🙂

    • What I don’t think you understand is the term “childfree”. She doesn’t want to adopt because she doesn’t want to have to care for children… a lot of childfree people don’t even like kids

  120. just a second wifewithnorights

    sorry i did not read the article, just the title. All i want to say is that i worked very hard to get a degree in eng. and i could not find a job in melbourne. I married but my husband had to pay most of his money in taxes and child support. When i was too sick to move, for 18 mths, My husband was told that he did not have any responsibility towards me, but apparently he had plenty to his ex wife. this situation has completely ruined my health and my life, because i could not afford a child since we had very little money left. I wanted to respect the law and since the law stated that i had no rights i had to find a job in a factory where i ruined my back, so that i can hardly walk, even now after 15 yrs. i think women want very much marriage and kids since they only benefit, leaving others to pay for their failures. Of course that will have to stop, but it is too late for the millions of ruined innocent lives. Too late…How was this possible for so long is beyond me.

    • If you didn’t read the article, what makes you think you know enough about it to make an informed comment?

    • I can’t believe you got on here to rant about that. Of course your husband had to pay child support it’s his child also. How the hell have you paid for any of his ex’s failures? It’s your husbands responsibility to the children he had with this woman. You are a mindless person to say such things.

  121. I’m so glad im childless and single. I’m divorced and love the peace and freedom it brings. I’m sick of parents acting like its their right to destroy the peace of everyone around them. We were brought up correctly to behave ourselves in public and when visiting others, not act like brats. Now young parents act entitled to leave their screaming children in public, as if its a creche they escape from their children with the rest of us as unpaid childminders. How about they insist on good behaviour from their kids? Remove them for screaming? I’m HORRIFIED at the level of lack of care these parents show and its epidemic. Mothers getting on buses with children in buggies and no regard for people already on there. Too lazy to remove the child from the buggy and fold it up. I swear, one recent pizza hut visit was ruined for me when one pair of mothers allowed their squealers to climb the walls and cover them in crayon, without blinking an eye. I can’t sit in my own home without neighbours’ children screeching daily morning noon and night metres from my window. It’s utter misery. It wasn’t as bad as this years ago, families are becoming lazy. And if you want to have kids, don’t foist their noise levels on me. I didn’t ask to have them, YOU did.

    • Lol, totally understand! I never let my child act like that, but when we go places that have other children, my god! The noise level is insane and people just let their children go freaking wild! I cringe watching kids trying to eat food off the ground, screaming, acting like crazy animals and the parents, just sitting there like none of this is abnormal!

  122. Kate you’re remarkable I couldn’t have said it better. Children are not a validation of woman-hood, they’re a woman’s choice not command. There is no law that reads in order to lead a fulfilled productive life that a woman must give birth to a child. Women live our lives on purpose and if we don’t want to give birth hooray we’ll just love on someone else’s child and when the mood for children is over we’ll give them back to their parent. Live Out Loud on Purpose Woman of This Era.

  123. “However, plenty of other people I know often complain about their children and how they wish they could work, go back to school, and do other things to better themselves.” Now, I think you are taking that out of context. Personally it does not bother me if another woman or man choose not to have kids. Also, the statement where you added that some people say you don’t know love until you have children actually should go more like you don’t know how to be selfless until you have had children would be more like it. If anything stay at home moms are being bashed all the time.

    • And I am not saying that you are being selfish by not having kids. I am just stating a fact and it is not intended to make you feel bad.

  124. I’m 42 and love your article! I’ve had very similar experiences since I decided not to have children in my 20’s. I was surprised (although I’m not sure why) that when I did marry a wonderful man at age 40 (he is a few years older) many people kept asking me when we were going to start a family. Just because I found a wonderful person for me and chose to marry him, in no way changed my feelings about becoming a parent. I firmly believe marriage and children are a personal choices that should be made thoughtfully, carefully and with responsibility and future goals in mind. I admire you for doing this!

  125. I’m a stay at home mom with a 6 year old daughter. Her father works, we home school, the whole shebang and I completely agree with Kate! Women should not feel pressured to have children. I never planned on ever ever having children, and although it has been a delightful surprise, it’s hard, very hard. I have never felt so much fear or happiness until I had my daughter. It’s so funny, my sister who wanted children so bad for years after witnessing me have my daughter decided she would be more suited to a childless lifestyle and there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s not a selfish decision at all. I think more harm comes from mothers who resent their children then not having children at all. No woman should be made to feel their life is empty or worthless without a child. Also, it is true child birthing is very painful and to me nasty! Don’t get me wrong, I love my daughter and she is amazing and beautiful but all that gunk and nasty stuff, bitchy nurses, crazy doctors telling me my placenta is an amazing and beautiful work of nature…noooo thank you. I think it’s just been such an indoctrinated belief that women grow up, marry and have children of their own to complete the cycle of life. It’s definitely something that needs to be forgotten, it’s an outdated sexist ritual. Forget all these crazy people, you go girl!

    But just a side note here, were not miserable or religious, I’m not a stepford wife,my man can barelly kills spiders let alone raise his voice to me, I had no goals to validate myself or trying to glorify my ego.It just sort of worked out this way and I like it. But I do understand where youre coming from on those points. There are women who are like the little Suzy homemakers, but some women like and want that. Can you condemn them for this? Considering you are trying to make a point for not feeling pressured to be them should you pressure them to be more like you? Either way there should be no pressure, women have more choices and freedoms now and should not be looked down upon for choosing to be either suzy homemaker or a big ceo. It’s all about finding what makes your life worth living.

  126. Kate,

    Problem is with your short-sighted conclusion that “With reliable methods of contraception and caring for the elderly, children aren’t a necessity anymore”, you’ve missed something that is HUGE!

    Economically, we canNOT do withOUT children. The economic laws of supply and demand rule our civilization as much today as they ever have. The ever growing lack of demand in the marketplace will devastate the economy until and UNLESS we reverse course in NOT having children!

    In fact, the sub-replacement levels of children we have been having in this nation and elsewhere for DECADES is catching up with us in the form of an ongoing and ever-growing FULL FLEDGED ECONOMIC DEPRESSION. In fact, it is what led to the first GREAT DEPRESSION. Birth rates in the US began dropping precipitously in 1910, and continued, then DEEPENED during the depression itself, KEEPING US IN that economic depression.

    I assert that it was the (so-called) “baby boom” from 1946 to 1964 that really got and kept us out of economic depression for a long time. However, since ‘boomers’ themselves in the US had a mere 170 babies, on average, born to every 200 of them, THEY are in trouble, and “WE” are in trouble ECONOMICALLY!

    Think of this, when you want to sell your home, and only 170 (actually less, after 9 to 11 of them have died) show up to buy homes from 200 sellers, something has to give. Lack of demand will for a very long time tend to dampen prices, and hence value, of real estate, among other things.

    You may think “we” have this gig all figured out. But, sister, you’re DEAD WRONG!

    • Trust me there are plenty of people having 5-7 kids out there. Think of Octomom or the Duggers. They are taking care of replacing SEVERAL people. There are plenty of kids in the adoption system too, remember that. People seem not to count those kids.

      • Go check out for yourself how FEW babies on AVERAGE people are having (or rather, not having) ALL AROUND THE WORLD. There is ONLY ONE nation among countries with ‘advanced economies’ whose total fertility rate (TFR) is NOT below replacement levels (Israel). ALL other nations with advanced economies ARE (below replacement). Most of Asia, Russia, ALL of Europe, and MOST or North America, and MUCH of even South America, and MOST of the Middle East are having babies at subreplacement levels.

        My wife and I together (no other marriages) have 9 children, and currently 11 grandchildren. But even our children, whom I have strongly encouraged to have a lot of children are, from what I’m seeing, NOT likely to have anywhere near as many as we did. And, its NOT in the water, but in the culture and mindset of today.

        With our nine children (and I know that that family size is EXTREMELY HIGH in this day and age), combining the number of children WE had with neighbors and the number of children THEY had, we are BARELY above exact replacement. Most neighborhoods, most small towns DON’T have families the size we had. Not ANYMORE, anyway!


        Check out the numbers for EVERY Nation at—

        • With this world being over populated, and polluted, and the earth running out of resources and land to build houses/communities on, I think it’s a good thing that we are not replacing ourselves. I also think that in this economy, it’s RIDICULOUS to have kids, it’s expensive enough when our economy is doing well…so when you DO decide to have kids, you’re probably going to need government assistance…and why should I help to feed house and clothe other people’s children just because they choose to procreate?

          • Little Knives said, “…with this world being over populated…”.

            LK, did you know that you could give EVERY SINGLE man, woman and child IN THE WORLD 1/4 of an acre to live on, and they would ALL fit in the nation of Brazil, with abouit 20% of Brazil left still to be occupied? Does THAT sound like the world is really “overpopulated”?

            People think and say it is overpopulated because of the high urban concentrations of people. If you’ve ever driven on I-80 through Wyoming, or even on I-90 through upstate New York, you know the world is not “over-populated”, just “over-concentrated” in its dispersion of population.

            Polluted? Yes. But the pollution of the human mind, between pornography that leads some people to molest and rape, or the pollution of violence in video games, that leads people, like the murderer of 13 people in the Navy yard who was always playing violent video games; or, for that matter, the person/s who robbed the latest version of Grand Theft Auto from someone else who had just bought it—these ways, far more than physically, IMO, are the forms of pollution that are the worst. But, whether you have 7 million people in the world, or 7 billion people, you have had this type of pollution.

            And Little Knives, the BIGGEST forms of “welfare” are Social Security and MediCare, by far and away. And speaking of someone subsidizing someone else, why should my wife and I go through the hazards, trouble and expense of paying for the feeding, rearing, and education of our children, just to have people, like yourself, who avoid these burdens and expenses, by leaving child bearing and rearing to people like my wife and I, just to have YOU and your ilk suck off of OUR efforts in the taxes OUR children pay when YOU go on Social Security and/or MediCare?

          • What exactly is it that you are diligent about? It certainly isn’t comprehension, common sense or logic, so I’ll be delighted to learn what…

          • Chris,

            In this sub-thread that you, LK and I have been writing about, I’m am the only one of the three who comprehends the whole situation, uses common sense and logic.

            Since, however, you claim otherwise, elucidate a bit to tell me why you disagree with my reasoning.

            Or, do you rather jump on the big bandwagon of “everybody knows…” (whatever), and that is where YOUR “comprehension, common sense or logic” lies? If so, THAT is NONE of those things. That is merely subscribing to political correctness. We ALL know the world is polluted, just like ALL people use to know the world was flat!

            We ALL know there are too many people, because they are causing global warming (which actually and factually is false)! There has been no ‘global warming’, if there ever was any in recent times, for at least the past 16 years, according to scientific data.

            Chris, you are attempting to “cross swords” with me, because you believe (and probably correctly), that most everyone who has commented on this blog largely thinks the way you do. But when was gravity ever changed by a straw poll?

          • SMH, you’d think that being an older person, you’d be a lot more intellectual, not just “I know what I’m talking about and you don’t, so you’re wrong nahnahnah”….*sigh*

          • I give evidence, LK, and do not just allude to some supposedly foregone conclusion. If by “intellectual” you mean an ‘NPR’ type— No, I do not subscribe to pseudo-intellectualism. I have a cousin, an atheist, who does plenty of that for the whole family, thank you. (And, BTW, while you’re SYH, why not SYB too. Maybe that will help you with your apparent need for weight loss)!

          • LMFAO, you’re a riot!! Just because someone is an atheist and has a different opinion that you, you automatically debunk them, and label them as pseudo intellectuals… You should talk to some people I know back in Arkansas, you’d seem to fit right in over there. And what makes you think I’m fat? Just because we disagree, you stoop to name calling…wow, VERY mature. THAT sure helps me believe your case! You’ve won me over with that little jab. You showed ME! MMhm, I’m convinced, can you TELL I’m convinced? *eye roll*

          • LMFAO, if you think violent tendencies are due to video games and pornography, you don’t know ANYTHING about human nature. Humans are violent, it’s in our biology. Just look at what we do to animals, to each other, to the PLANET. Nearly everything about humans is violent in one way or another. Right now, we live in the least violent times in recorded history. If you think just because everyone can live on 1/4 acre means we aren’t over populated, then you aren’t thinking about anything besides just the number of humans. What about endangered species of animals? What about water and air pollution? What about desecration of forests and other natural resources? Not all the land is suitable for farming, either. You seem to think that just because we CAN live that way, means that we SHOULD. Overpopulation has much more to it than whether we have enough “elbow room”. You seem to forget that by working, I also pay social security taxes for you to retire and live comfortably (When I don’t know you. Your kids will do the same for me), and taxes that pay for YOUR grand children’s education.As a matter of fact, my husband is in the military and he plans on retiring from the military after 25 years of service, so we will be collecting benefits from them…which will be well earned. Whether or not I have children is none of your damned business!

          • Well, you probably need to lose all that weight in your FA.

            Both the Navy yard and Newtown murderers were heavy into and spent a LOT of time playing violent video games. So, what they ‘played’, they finally acted out in real life. And violence is not necessarily a human tendency. The U.S. military in both of the past two world wars had to use a lot of propaganda, villifying the enemy, because pre-video game soldiers were so apt to NOT fire their guns at the enemy. Go and check the archives. It’s true.

            That said, yes, humans in many cases are violent. But, certainly, fantasizing about it with digital help, just like arousing sexual desires via pornography does not end without consequences.

            The U.S. has been able to do much to clean up it’s water and air over the past half century or so, because the economy has been so good for so long. Go watch ‘Demographic Winter’, a nearly one hour documentary on YouTube. Philip Longman, among many other experts who speak in that production, underscores the fact that sub-replacement birth rates (as we have now) lead to poverty. And that nations in poverty don’t spend much money on improving the environment.

            Talk about desecrating forests. The US Forest Service has closed so much Western U.S. timber lands to logging, that the pine beetle now has destroyed most of our Western forests, and trees lay dead, because older trees were not allowed to be logged, making the pine beetle’s work of devastation easy (they first infest old trees, younger ones can resist them).

            Whether or not you have children is “my damned business”, because if you have none or few, then my children have to work harder to pay for you, and have less or nothing left to pay for me. By raising nine both current and future contributors, I am covering my wife and myself, and then some. If you have no kids, you’ll be subsidized.

            Any Social Security taxes, besides, you may pay, is NOT going into some lockbox to be given to you later. As you noted, what you pay in now goes out now (and then a lot more).

            Social Security, like virtually every government old age “pension” are little more than legalized pyramid schemes. Bernie Madoff did his scam on people who voluntarily gave him their money. Social Security is a Ponzi scheme with the full force of the US government behind it to enforce payment into it, whether payers are willing or otherwise. But, with too few payers, either benefits will have to be delayed, or reduced, or ‘contributions’ will have to be increased.

            Oh, and by the way, we will ALSO long be paying for your likely VERY LONG military retirement. I had a customer who was in his eighties and retired back in the 1970’s. He’d been collecting military retirement pay for over 40 years!!!

            Civilians, like myself, have to at least put in 45 years to retire. My cousin, 18 months younger than me, has been retired from a police force for the past decade plus. He plays tennis most every day. A brother-in-law, a few months younger than me, a former elementary school teacher, is spending a year in China with his wife, while retired (I turn 60 end of this year). He makes more on retirement than I ever have in a full time job.

            Yes, nothing like a bunch of government employees with their early retirements, and no or too few children, telling me what I’m doing wrong!

            Spend an hour and watch ‘Demographic Winter’ on YouTube, and then come back and tell me everything is and is going to be ‘okay’. Cause sister, I guarantee you, the Great Depression of the 1930’s is going to look like a pleasant picnic compared to what’s going to happen in the world in the decades ahead!

          • “Polluted? Yes. But the pollution of the human mind, between pornography that leads some people to molest and rape, or the pollution of violence in video games, that leads people, like the murderer of 13 people in the Navy yard who was always playing violent video games; or, for that matter, the person/s who robbed the latest version of Grand Theft Auto from someone else who had just bought it—these ways, far more than physically, IMO, are the forms of pollution that are the worst. But, whether you have 7 million people in the world, or 7 billion people, you have had this type of pollution.”

            The world IS polluted. It’s scary because new facts keep emarging. Just recently, in Europe we had a case of honeybees dying, because of some pesticide. We never know, with all those chemicals we use… the long term consequences can be scary.

            In Poland it’s said we shouldn’t eat any veggies growth underground, like carrots and potatos, because they are so polluted,

            And yes, like another person pointed out, the modern world is actually very safe in comparision to older times. So don’t blame video games, please.

            I am not going to have a child and I personally feel it’s good for our planet (not just for me)

          • OK muppet listen up, I’m only going to say this once. You don’t stop having kids because the economy is fucked. That is cowardly and wrong.
            And people only need government assistance because the government takes away access to the land. The government takes away the freedom of people to do what they need to do to for a few dollars that a rich guy gives them. Think about it. Private Land is a monopoly that allows Capitalism. Not that capitalism is wrong, but if you have all of the land that is arable then you have a duty to feed the people food. If you have all of the houses, and textile factories then similarly house and clothe them, if you have a portion of any of the above then you are responsible for a pro rata portion. And if you don’t then quite simply you are declaring war on the future of the nation. And that is sometimes very bad for you, because people that tell other people that they don’t have the right to have kids, because you like money too much, get pissed off, and you may find yourself replaced/ shot./ dispossessed by force. And it would be entirely your own fault.

          • I’m not opting out of motherhood just because the economy is in the shitter, that is just a contributing factor. I’ve chosen not to have kids because quite frankly, I hate children and I refuse to be a slave to them. Having a job is not the same as being a slave. I can quit if I want to, I can call off sick, I can look for something better, and I get days off…I also get a paycheck. You don’t get ANY of those things, being a mother. Children are irritating, needy, and demanding. So what if I don’t want to have them? Why do you feel like you have the right to tell me how to live my life? Why don’t you go make the best of yours, and shove off. 90% of what you said either did not apply to me, or made no sense what so ever.

        • Diligent Dave doesnt have to actually have to carry these necessary children in HIS uterus and push them out HIS vagina.


          • True. But he does have to (and I have carried them) for another couple of decades each (financially), and sometimes even after they leave home and get married, here and there. We have a daughter, son-in-law, and three grandchildren who have moved in with us as close to 3 weeks ago now, and the end (when they’ll leave) is not yet in sight.

            Also, between the work and the worry, working at a desk job, it has made this man somewhat “permanently pregnant” (I have a ‘keg’ and not a 6-pack. And my age, some physical strains may be approaching ‘childbirth’ at times (i.e., “am there” and “do that”).

          • LOL comparing childbirth to being a fat drunk!! Wooooow… I never took anything you said seriously but this is just icing on the cake.

    • I think that, if we want to live high standard lives, we have to have less people. Our planet wouldn’t be able to take it otherwise. OF COURSE, things are going to be hard for a while, with more elderly and less working members of society, but we have to suck it up and adjust, our economy and society has to adjust. After a while, the “over population” of elderly will pass away and there will be harmony again.

      • agata,

        In your mind, you think this all can and will work. But you are not anywhere near facing full reality.

        Take the state of the nation of Greece. Now, permeate the bankruptcy of Greece to EVERY NATION ON EARTH. Because what you are proposing (and doing) will eventually accomplish just that.

        My father-in-law, now age 97, told me (again) last year about the “Dust Bowl Days” of the Great Depression. “The Dust Bowl”, where large clouds of dust were whipped up by the wind in the Midwestern U.S. states due to a severe drought, and hence not enough moisture for the top soil there to adhere together, blew from there clear to the Eastern U.S. coast, blanketing cities like New York and Washington D.C. with literally thousands of tons of dust.

        My father-in-law’s parents came originally from Denmark, and had secured a homestead (160 acres) in Rosebud, South Dakota. My father-in-law told me that in the years 1932, 1933, 1934, and jumping to 1936, these were all drought years where he lived. Each year, he told me, what they harvested in crops was but a very small fraction of the seed they put into the ground (when they planted). In other words, they would have been better off in those years NOT to have planted seed in the ground at all.

        You think fewer people on the earth will be better. But at some point, you will have massive starvation. Billions, not just millions, of people will die. Because the economy will (is) collapse/ing.

        Just like other natural laws, like gravity, economic laws are immutable. That is, merely wishing them to be different won’t change them. Like a person who will not “shut up”, nature’s laws likewise, by their effects, will not “shut up”. They keep on going on, doing the same thing, regardless of whether millions or billions of humans have a contrary opinion to them.

        Since the Korean War, the US has long had lousy “exit strategies” to extricate themselves from war. Likewise, the only way to extricate a civilization from sub-replacement birth rates, and the economic depression such behavior inevitably brings about, how do you suppose we will be able to get ourselves out of sub-replacement birth rates to surplus birth rate levels? Because, frankly my dear, that’s the ONLY way for an economy to grow, is by its population growing.

        A number of economists believe that the prosperity we’ve enjoyed in the world for the past two to three centuries or so, has in fact largely been the result of a growing population. In fact, one researcher, Philip Longman, who authored the book, “The Empty Cradle”, has pointed out that only by having had growing populations in the past have we gotten our civilization to where we have been ABLE to free all kinds of classes of people from things like “indentured servitude”, serfdom, and slavery. And, he suggests, that with a shrinking population (as is not only pending to happen, but is ALREADY happening, in places like Japan,Russia, and even all of Europe, that we will go back into these forms of bondage!

        So, in short, “If wishes were fishes, we’d have all we wanted.” However, they are NOT, and thinking something should be a certain way will not, cannot bring that ‘something’ about as you suppose it will.

  127. This article is awesome and speaks for me. I am a 27 year old women who has never wanted children and still doesn’t. I’m actually no longer friends with a women who I considered a sister because she had 3 kids one after the other as soon as we graduated high school. She has always carried this envy towards me because I get to go on and do great things with my life such as college and travel. She has had to give up any goals or dreams she had and work at some crappy job just to support her kids. She finally blew her lid on me and I know it all came from her anger that she has inside herself for not doing more with her life. I can’t help that this is the life I chose for myself. I want to live my life for me and not my kids. My mother was 18 when she had me and had to give up her life. I refuse to repeat that process.

    • I definitely know you’re feeling on this one. My best friend was like my sister too. Since age 15, we even joked about how if we were lesbians or one of us were a man we’d so be married. The only difference was, I never wanted kids and she wanted a lot of them. At 26 I got pregnant on accident, and went from considering abortion to full out excitement in a matter of 2 months. Two years later, I did it again, but this time intentionally. That friend is now 32 and still has no kids or man to have kids with and the subtle anger and resentment eventually blew up into a huge fight and the end of our friendship. People shouldn’t resent others for having or not having kids…both are pretty awesome. Same with being single or married. There are huge benefits to both, enjoy what you have while you have it. People shouldn’t let it ruin their relationships.

  128. Egad! People are actually unhappy with their children? D:
    They must be doing it wrong!

    Treating human beings like worthless economic statistics, OR fanciful objects of haphazardly realized fantasies for that matter, is the antithesis of our humanistic endeavors for world peace and equality, and always leads to war and the infringement of our basic human rights for life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness; no matter what age these people are at. Where has our basic sense of compassion and understanding towards the cultivation of our own species’ future gone?

    • “Egad! People are actually unhappy with their children? D:
      They must be doing it wrong!” –> Some are and they can’t help it. I personally know a woman who regrets having children (and she isn’t a bad person, she treats the kids well, but she doesn’t love them, it’s a duty for her) and I’ve seen more comments like that on the internet. Everyone is different and people often can’t help how they feel. Some are born heterosexuals, some homosexuals, some pedophiles, and some have no mathernal instinct.

      • yes, many are unhappy with their children. when people have children for the wrong reasons it doesn’t work out so well much of the time…

  129. wow. I love my life as a mother and a wife. YA Its hard, I’m tired, and sometimes I ask myself what did I get into. I would NEVER change what I have for anything. When the sun sets at night and I lay there in my bed thinking, I am overwhelmed with a feeling of love for my child that I have never felt in any relationship (I would give my life for her). Have you ever felt that towards anyone besides yourself? I feel joy from all the wonderful memories and silly projects we did through the day pointless projects that didn’t pay a single dime to my bank account… the end you have your career, great personality and $. I have the same things as you except my payment was pure love and a fulfillment..but what does it really matter? 100 years from now we are all dead and in the ground…..why are you advocating your view so hard….if you are so happy then why not live and let live….your way is not the right way and neither is mine. I personally think people that don’t have kids are selfish narcissists, isn’t it funny how on opposite ends of the spectrum we look at each other the exact same way. I hope you are as truly happy as I am. That is all that matters. I wish people would blog about more positive things, instead of judgmental rants.

    • She is trying to make people aware that childbearing is a choice. In many societies all over the world, women are made to feel like it is their duty, and and inevitable part of life. Some, having to go against their gut instincts that say they don’t want to have children, just to please the people around them and having to forever become a slave to another human being. You know that back in earlier times, children were not viewed as a blessing. Children were taught to shut their mouths, stand while eating, and were beaten regularly and forced to work to earn money for the family. But because so many children were dying at young ages, attitudes changed so that our species could grow. It’s called a survival mechanism, being brainwashed by your hormones. Not to say what you feel isn’t genuine, just trying to make it clear that people not liking children is perfectly rational and normal.

    • wow, can you actually read or are you so oversensitive about the matter that your hate blinds you? How is the author of this post judgemental? “Am I condemning people who have children? Absolutely not!”. On the other hand, your comment “I personally think people that don’t have kids are selfish narcissists”. To be frank, I am disgusted by you. I can see why you replied to this post in such a way, why are you offended– it’s about you, you are one of those judgemental people who think they are better because they decided to have a child (and considering how many people commit suicide and don’t feel grateful to their parents about being born into this world, I wonder if you would be singing a different song if you kid turned out to be one of them– you brought a child in this world for your own happiness, out of your selfish feelings, you did it for *yourself*, so how you dare to call another person selfish?). “if you are so happy then why not live and let live” –> and how is OP not letting you live? Did she force you to read this post or something?

      • Jessie was being judgmental, over-emotional and defensive… But your defense of the author is incorrect. She’s judgmental, over-emotional and defensive herself. She’s also a little uneducated. Neither of these women are selfish, and they’re both perfectly normal for wanting what they want. However, the author had prepared an ill-informed rant that does in fact condemn mothers, every paragraph was an insult. Also, people don’t walk up to her and tell her how disgusted they are by her point of view, or even look at her with disgust. It’s mostly her being defensive and intentionally misinterpreting the situation and in cases where someone does say something offensive is out of feeling defensive because the author is very clear in her judgment of mothers when she describes why she doesn’t want kids. She wants to believe a certain view and is fishing for it so that’s why she thinks people are judging her and disgusted by her. Essentially she’s trying to defend her own choices to herself, not to others. If she is truly happy with her decision, she needs to be happy, not angry. She needs to address whatever it is that actually made her angry enough to write this instead of creating a rant that attacks a group of people constantly and then state she’s not condemning them. It was inaccurate and inconsiderate, and the only person she’s truly fooling or disguising her judgments to is herself. I do applaud her though for at least not having children if she didn’t want one or feel ready- I don’t know any mothers who do that but I sure know a lot of Dads who did just to appease their wives.

    • wow ok….so i shouldn’t have went to school then? I mean I graduated college at 23 years old because after high school i worked hard to pay for it. I didn’t have parents to pay for my education – now I had to move on my own and that took time my savings etc…now i’m 33 and I can’t find the right person – not because i am selfish but i want to love and be attracted to the man not just sleep around and get pregnant and end up a welfare bum. So don’t judge because you have it easy! I want kids but i know i won’t have them because i can’t find the right guy and we all know women don’t have long time to have a baby the only have a very short time.

    • I hate to tell you this but many people have children for narcissistic reasons…the results of narcissistic parenting is sad at best…and as a therapist, I’ve seen it first hand…quite often. Why are you so defensive? what makes you think that bearing children is the only path to pure love and silly projects? and honestly, your rant doesn’t make you sound all that happy.

    • This ^ housewife is just sad she has a saggy vagina after she gave birth , so she is directing her vagina loathing towards happy , independent females , that don’t need kids to feel self worth.

  130. I am a 51 year old married women with no children. My husband and I work long hours for a reasonable amount of pay, but we decided not to have children for many reasons. First we both work crazy hours, 2nd we couldn’t afford children with one paycheck. We felt that one of the parents should be home with the child
    at least until the child goes to school which we couldn’t do. We thought long and hard about our decision and both agreed it was the right one for us. We both love our nieces and nephews and spoil them.What amazes me the most is when I meet a women I haven’t seen for many years and the first question out of her mouth is ” how many children do you have? ” when I say none her face goes blank and she has nothing to say. I feel judged and shunned with that one look. I then realize there is probably a good reason I haven’t stayed in touch with her.
    We only get to live one life live it your way.

  131. I am 48 years old, and I have no children, either. Never wanted any. My husband ( who I met 10 years ago) doesn’t have any from his previous marriages. Children are very expensive these days with all their needs (and wants). We’re both happy that we can do things together without a commitment of “who’s going to watch the kids”, or, “I DON’T HAVE TO LISTEN TO YOU- YOU’RE NOT MY MOTHER” type stuff.
    Thanks for letting me share.

    • “Children are very expensive with all their needs (and wants).” Wow, are you speaking from your own experience as a spoiled Western child? Children aren’t “expensive”, our society has let consumerism and the media control parents, and parents cave to the endless pressure of commercialism and act like “parenting” means “spending”. Children are conditioned by society and their own parents to think having “things” is the proof that they are cared for-but being young they still have enough of a soul to feel the emptiness of having an ATM for a parent, hence the epidemic of drug abuse, child sexuality and teen pregnancies. This society is permanently broken.

      • In some ways this statement is true.. I’ve noticed this when I see people scan for baby registries or prepare for a child. They want everything knew when they could have gotten something free and used, and only half of the items are a necessity. However, even breaking things down to the bare bones… children are expensive. If you don’t agree with that, you’ve clearly not had any. By the time you’ve left the hospital, you’ve wracked up anywhere from $14-100k in medical bills and your insurance company won’t pay for 100% of that. If you plan to stay home with your child, you’re missing out on workforce pay. If you plan to go to work you’re either shelling out a lot of money for bottles and formula, or bottles and a breastpump. This doesn’t include daycare costs of around $600-$1000 per month. Your child will then use up 10-12 diapers per day. Even if you buy only used 2nd hand store clothes, you still have to buy a whole new set every 3 months. I could go on but hopefully you already get the point.

        • Oh, my goodness, Elz! If I don’t agree with you, then I haven’t had children? As a matter of fact, we’ve raised 5. Used midwives instead of hospitals, homeschooled, took control of our own health needs, and learned the value of saving instead of spending, and lived happily and constructively without all the gimmicks and gotta-haves. Now our children are giving back. “Haven’t had any”, indeed! You just prove my point that the idea of raising children has been perverted by modern society.

      • disqus_M2UBgbqMsP

        Children may not be expensive as babies, but when they reach their teenage years you better be ready to support them for their university education, unless your kid is a genius and can get a scholarship, or unless you want your child to live with you until 30 for lack of being able to succeed on their own money and make it in the real world. Another stupid comment.

    • Thats being selfish though it is my opinion; if your mother would say the same thing then, u wouldnt exist in this world.

  132. Amen. A single successful male without children is seen as a playboy. A single successful female without children is seen as a broken failure. Thanks society, love ya!

    • “Amen. A single successful male without children is seen as a playboy. A single successful female without children is seen as a broken failure. Thanks society, love ya!”

      Playboy, does not make a man.
      Manhood requires very few playboy characteristics.

      • “manhood” is subjective. To some, being a playboy is being the ultimate man’s man…Having plenty of money, nice cars, nice house/apartment, and beautiful women around him. Some consider a man being married and having children being the ultimate example…even though men with wives and children can be just as irresponsible, cheating, drinking, ignoring his kids…that’s why I say “manhood” is subjective. Just one attribute does not make someone a man.

        • When you have mastered the elements. When you can weed out material distractions. Your mate will stand out for your mind but not your eyes to see. It is then, you can create family and harmony.

          welcome to the brotherhood of men.

          Playboys, males and nomads please not apply.

          thank you

          • “Welcome to manhood”? I’m a woman… I already have my mate, been together for 6 years. Thankfully, neither of us wants children! Having children does not make you responsible, and adult, or a responsible adult! Look at all the people in the news who abuse or even kill their children and tell me how being a parent is always a blessing!

          • Adulthood or making the news was not part of the description.

          • So you can be a man/woman without being an adult?? And making the news does have to do with it, as this is a blog regarding being childfree…we are debating whether or not everyone should have children, and you seem to think having children makes you a man (as a male). It’s simply not true.

          • Meaning a male adult can become a man or they can remain a male adult. You can also lose your manhood if you don’t maintain harmony and family.

            The definition is drawn from experience and lessons through time. It is so and so it will be, deep in the hearts of men.

          • So is my husband not a man, and am I not a woman because we don’t have children, even though we maintain a happy loving home?

          • I don’t have the experience of a woman. Thus, I have not commented on womanhood. I mean, I could speculate what it could mean to be a woman. With zero experience in this regard I will leave it at that.

            Your husband is an adult male. Unfortunately, the brotherhood of men requires having children. Some adult males choose not to experience this. Some are unfortunate and don’t have that choice. It is what it is.

          • Hahaha!! My husband is a soldier, been to war, and is considering volunteering for another deployment… he defends everyone and their children. He doesn’t have to have children to be a man. I don’t have to have children to be a woman. I am a woman because I support my soldier, and am a faithful wife. I work, and help create a happy household. It is simply your OPINION that you need to have children to be a man. My husband is more of a man than most men with children… even the other soldiers here who have children aren’t men because they cheat on their wives!! Yeah, risking losing your children and wife and career (soldiers lose their jobs if they cheat) just to be with another woman. I know of at least 3 soldiers who do this. Tell me how much of a man they are because they have children. Also, any 13 year old boy can accidentally knock up his girlfriend…pretty sure that doesn’t make you a man.

          • Doesn’t matter what you do. If you don’t master the elements the brotherhood of men does not apply to you. Soldiers are usually taken young since they have not mastered the elements yet. You have to have children to be in the brotherhood of men. You don’t know how heat feels until you have been burned.

            Again, just because you have fathered a child does not qualify you into manhood. Cheating is braking up the family and creating chaos not harmony.

            A thirteen year old boy is that. A boy.

            You are trying too hard to include things that are not there.

            I will post my initial description. It is simple to understand and hard to achieve.

          • When you have mastered the elements. When you can weed out material distractions. Your mate will stand out for your mind but not your eyes to see. It is then, you can create family and harmony.

            welcome to the brotherhood of men.

            Playboys, males and nomads please not apply.

            thank you

          • The “brotherhood of men”??? LMAOOO Is this a college fraternity or something?

  133. There have always been women for whom children were not a priority, and they often stayed single. Good for them. Implying that all those single people don’t want kids is just not the way it is. MANY of them are terribly disappointed but it’s not socially acceptable to say so. Articles like yours push things under the rug and lack perspective.

    Western society has dysfunctional courtship patterns. Women who want kids have to change their ways. Don’t move in until there is a ring and a date and no long engagement. Don’t spend time with men who do not want kids when you want them – why let attachment grow when the end result is predictably disappointing? If you and he are not on the same page about kids, why is there ever a third date?

    • Excellent point- “Western society has dysfunctional courtship patterns”. Boy, is that ever the truth!

      • disqus_M2UBgbqMsP

        Haha this is not just Western society, there are just as many “dysfuntcional” relationships in Europe as well. What a naive comment from both.

  134. I don’t recommend parenthood for those who have no natural liking for children, and/or don’t want the responsibility. However, most people are being social and are to be commended for their parenting. After all, they themselves had parents who catered to their needs, desires, and financial demands. Don’t childfree people consider that they owe the same? Together we help create society and keep it moving forward for ourselves as individuals, families, and the society itself which needs to be constantly created and recreated so there can be LIFE. With parenting life can go on, without it….

    • Sometimes for women its not a choice! A women only has 20-30 say 10 to 15 years to find someone, if she can’t then she is unable to have children all doctors say a woman should not have children after 35, and 35 is very young for a woman she is not even middle age. But only men get the chance until they are 80 but women don’t. If she is in school until 22 that means she needs to find someone ASAP before 35. So, i am 33 and do want children but i do not make much money and can’t find a husband – So its not like i don’t want them….i do but if i can’t find someone on time then its too bad for me.

    • You Make it sound like i ‘owe it to society’ to have a baby…does every women ‘owe it’? what about the women like me who find it hard to have children due to problems they were born with? Am I then worthless as a woman simply because I can not give what society asks of me?

    • I don’t owe anyone anything. I’m not going to have children just because people think I “SHOULD”. I live my life the way I think I should, the way I think is best for myself and my husband. Neither of us wants children. Our reproductive plans (or lack there of) are no one else business, and I would love it if people like you would stop acting like they’re entitled to make their opinions towards us child free people known! We don’t care if you think we are doing something wrong by not having children, just like we don’t care if you have children.

    • That would be true if humans were not expanding in population much faster than the world’s economies can handle. Today, it is a very good thing for everyone when some people decide not to reproduce.

      Besides, parenting does not make someone a good person, nor is it the only way to serve other people.

  135. I am a woman 33 years old, never married and never had children – i am pressured! I see everyone around me getting married now – and starting to have children! Reality is only less than 2% are women like this! We are RARE! it will never be – all (98%) women do end up with children or a marrage at least! It is not of my own decision not to have children – i just can’t find the right guy i am attracted to. I get 3rd world men that can’t speak english properly trying to pick me up! NOPE Sorry! I don’t want that. I want good genes for my children if i can’t then i’ll rather be a lonely old lady then to go with someone that makes me feel sick looking at his face.

  136. Thanks Kate. My thoughts exactly. Thank you for putting them into words so nicely. I am 32, married and being pressured to be a stepford wife by my husband’s family. I am a lawyer, and am enjoying establishing myself in my career, I studied for 7 years dammit – why would I have done all of that just to throw it in at the “right time” and produce (more) babies for this family and the world? I like the way you put it “relinquishing the sole ownership of my body has never appearled to me”. ME TOO. I am made to feel like a sick, sad, selfish cow for not wanting kids yet, and have lost count of the amount of times I’ve been given the “you know the risks go up every day after you turn 30”?
    Thank you Kate

  137. Nothing wrong with this trend. Prevents overpopulation and may actually be a functional part of the world biology and design.

    Dysfunctional households, however, are never intentional.

  138. Thank you for writing this. It’s truly inspiring.

    I am 23 years of age, and am trying to find my place in the working world. I have many dreams and aspirations to have a fulfilling, happy life and a wonderful career that I love. As strong and capable as women are, we should be fully encouraged to pursue our dreams. There are those who won’t understand and by all means, we should learn to shut those opinions out because they aren’t even relevant to our way of thinking. Stay strong, independent women!!!

  139. Next year, I will be turning 28…where they say “the cab light is on”. Well, I really do not mind at all. I have few conversations with these childless wives and they seem pretty happy and contented with their decision of not having to conceive a baby in the first place. And I heard some first hand experiences as well from wives turned mothers regarding putting a lot of effort to keep up with the kids not to mention their husbands. In my opinion, the world is not a conducive place for human beings at all. Would you not be guilty yourself if you will let a child all the world’s dilemmas and eccentricities? Poor thing. But, I am left with very slim choice to redeem myself, as sometimes husbands love to assert themselves. Like mine for one, he really wants to have kids but has no means to make one after all or better yet take the part nor show strong interest in the whole process. That’s a big trouble right there. Of course I cannot make a child all by myself. That’s far too obvious I know. And that’s the reason I am now making it obvious as well not to have kids at all. Hopefully never.

  140. I am so glad to have found this!! I agree 100%. I am 26 and married and feel the constant pressure of people thinking we must have children! I like my freedom thank you very much! I don’t want to be one of those couples who has to find a “date night” sitter. I like being able to have date nights whenever we feel like it. I love not having to spend money on costly things such as diapers and such. It’s so nice to be able to buy nice things without feeling guilty that I should have bought something for the baby or used it for their college fund instead! Way too many young mom’s that should have enjoyed their youth and done something more with their lives.

    • all i here is me me me me as human beings we are genetically programmed to have children read a fucking book

  141. “People constantly say “Well, you don’t know love until you have children” and that is absolutely ridiculous. I know what love is and it isn’t resenting a child that I have never desired.”

    Wow, i respect everyone’s decisions as theirs….but damn to simply say “no, children are not the most love one can experience” when you haven’t experienced it is just plain arrogant. Disrespectful really to those that have told you so and have children. There are 15 and 16 year old girls that sure in the hell didn’t want pregnant out there but i doubt you’d hear them say their baby isn’t the greatest thing in the world too them. I agree 100% with “fuckyou”; all i read for 90% of your wall of shit was me me me…..ME. To speak on a subject of children when you have none is just you going full retard. It’d be like a guy telling a woman “pregnancy doesn’t hurt that bad”.

    • The idea that you have to have children in order to have an opinion about them is as common as it is misinformed.

      And, as a matter of fact, pregnancy doesn’t necessarily hurt at all, so you are mistaken twice over, to say nothing of pretty rude…

    • disqus_M2UBgbqMsP

      Those 15 & 16 year old girls who have kids, how do you think those kids turn out with mothers who never wanted them, but then went through with it anyway? Sure they may bull shit now and say it’s the greatest thing because they have to, but those are the kids later on that end up with drug problems, or who end up in Juvenile Hall in their teens. It isn’t just have a kid to be happy and know “real love”, or you are “selfish”. Kids are a big deal, and I respect people who can recognize they may not be ready for that resposibility. Not having a kid because you know it is something you don’t desire, or think you would be right for is selfless. Having a kid to satisfy someone else, or solve your relationship problems, and later ruining that child’s life because you never really wanted it, but did it our of social pressure is far worse. People without children don’t have to have a child to know that it is a ton of work, a huge responsibility, and what it entails. You can easily see that already from your friends and family who have them. It’s only irresponsible and naive people who think it is easy and fulfilling 100 percent of the time before having one.

  142. I completely and utterly agree. I got pregant twice (not intentional). After both miscarriages you simply look at yourself and think…whould I of been happy? The only reason I went through with the pregnancies is because my husband wanted a baby, he literaly begged me for one. Now, I’ve told him simply NO. I mentally and physically can not do it anymore so instead, I went back to uni, obtained a degree and now run my own business. My family, especially my mother, hates this, and is always making snarky comments about the fact I have money. The fact that when I lost my last baby and my family told me to “get over it” proves that some people just have very different opinions about everything in life. No woman should feel pressured into anything. I’ll also add that I am only 25. My husband now loves our life without children (partialy because its left us in a very nice financial situation) but also because now he can do what he always wanted to do and we can travel the world. I know he still wants a child, but he understands that in order for that to happen, I have to sacrifice my business, my wealth and MY LIFE in order to do so. Maybe some women need to feel loved or needed….I dunno what it is, but whats the point when you can live your own life!? I also want to add this simply isnt down to medical reasons, I can have a baby, I simply do not want to….and maybe my body knew that.

  143. I heard someone say that you don’t know love until you have children the other day. In fact, he said you can’t truly experience love until you have children. Really? I don’t want women who are struggling with the stereotype that they ‘should’ want children to do it because of some guy’s opinion that is definitely not truth. A lot of women are fulfilled, happy, and full of love even though they did not have children in their lifetime, just as a lot of people are fulfilled, happy, and full of love because they did.

  144. while I agree that the unconditional love of your child is a special love deeper than any love, I do not think it disallows us that do not have children to experience our own complete sense of love for those closely personal to us. I am 50 male single straight and happy. I travel, work like males with children, I see lots of sports, experience nature in big ways as often as possible ( daily to monthly) challenge myself in extreme sports and have more days of exciting events and fulfilling interactions. I have a great connected family with nieces and nephews which I am close with. So for me My life is full. Would I like children, some days hell yes,and it can turn my stomach a little thinking about the uneasiness of answering that question. But most days I have too many other people and experiences that I share with to miss if very many days of my year/life. So for me it is hard not to want to have the joy of the children, but when I see the sacrifices and what I have accomplished as a result, I am very very proud of what I have done with my life and that is what is most important,

  145. “I’m a woman, not a baby factory.”- Kate

    I agree with you!

  146. Babies are cute, but they all grow old and hairy and senile. People don’t love the baby so much when he turns 92….same soul, different body. Reproduction, like almost everything else in life, is about power. People want kids so they can have a piece of the future. Love has nothing to do with it.

  147. I totally agree with this article children are not needed for economy thee id too many people n the planet and not enough jobs to accommodate everyone and longer life spans creates more economic spending on care of the elderly and more strain on global resources as there is no fear any more whatsoever of the human race going extinct there is a fear however of energy resources becoming extinct because the world can only accommodate so many people and the economy can only accommodate so much money and jobs too nearly the whole world is completely unbalanced with too many people and not enough jobs because we all get brought up with this idea of getting married and having lots of kids people who do have kids nowadays are just setting them up for a fall to fill a selfish need and boredom whose kids will probably resent them bringing them into a world with too many people and not enough of everything else to match the amount of people

  148. the constant whining ruins this for me, who cares if you don’t want to have kids? do you need approval of your lifestyle if it doesn’t fit the norm? so what, women have always been a sign of fertility and it is instinctual for people to follow a lifestyle that is driven by natural forces, propagation, family, and repeat. I would argue going to college and striving for success socially are material aspirations. Their importance is in ones life is an individual decision. Is that what we should deem important in life? ok, but who is going to care about those achievements and share those stories and opinions you had in life? The diplomas and stock certificates won’t have much to say. This attitude i feel is a sign of our societies numbing of the heart. when society shifts toward this attitude we lose sight of the importance of spreading life, our genetic code that is unique and gives you a kind of immortality. so If you want to skip this opportunity that’s your choice but i wouldn’t encourage others to do so.

  149. Lol I am the exact opposite.. I never found myself to be ambitious.. I have a decent job but it isn’t my career. I have been in a relationship for a few years and truly would like to be married soon and start a family. Some family members and friends have advised me not to get married and have kids because I would be miserable.. But why do the childless have an opinion on what I want when I could care less whether they had kids or not?.. I just know I’m not ambitious and having a career wouldn’t fulfill me nearly as much as motherhood would. I’m just waiting on a proposal since I’d rather not have kids outside of marriage (I’m not even religious, just my desire).

  150. Don’t feel agressed by nature. Simply walk your way and take this with you:

    You might have experienced love for your Mom. You might have experienced love for a friend. You might have experienced love for your partner. But you only learn about love for a child when you have your own, biological or adopted, it doesn’t matter.
    Don’t be pretentious. You truly don’t know about it before you have your own child.

    • This doesn’t apply for people who don’t like children and who are not as stupid as to think “theirs would be different”

  151. “With reliable methods of …. caring for the elderly, children aren’t a necessity anymore”–WRONG. The pension systems that care for the elderly assume larger numbers of young to support smaller numbers of elders. With declining birth rates, this will prove disastrous.

    That said, children are not for everyone, but they are–or should be–for enough people. The future does belong to those who show up for it.

  152. Right on Kate!!!! I am 42 years old and married and I STILL have people telling me I should hurry up and have a child because I will regret it if I don’t. I knew by the age of 11….yes, 11…that I would not give birth. Like you, most people think I’m selfish or not a complete woman for not having children. It used to bother me when I was much younger but not anymore. To each his own! There will always be people who want to be breeders. How egotistical is that? ……they think their genetic code is so superior that they just HAVE to pass it on!? Give me a break.

  153. I’m not all disappointed that you don’t want children, being resentful of the blessings you have as a woman and all. Your line will end with you. All is right in the world.

    • My line? I don’t have a line! I have a life and it will end the day I die. After that I am not going to care much about anything….

  154. I do not have a child and am not sure if I want one. However, people who do have children have a love for their child that is greater than any other kind of love. If you’re not willing to see that as true, then you are closing your eyes to the obvious. I do not resent people-who-have-children nor do I resent people who-do-not-have-children. I’m happy to be who I am and I think the secret of happiness is to have something to look forward to. What is your dream? Find it. Become good at it. Enjoy it. It’s that simple.

  155. I think breeders have what they deserve and we, childfree, too. The ones that make me secretly laugh are the ones that don’t take the life path that they prefer but the one they think “they ought to take”. Idiots also have what they deserve…

  156. Shalini Upadhyay

    I believe that it would be so much better if instead of making the decision of marriage and children under peer pressure it was always heartfelt because I see how it changes the life for a child that you resent your life. And you might not think it shows but it does in someway or other. It’s better to live life as you really want to whether you want children and marriage or travel the world or focus on career. People don’t think how these things also influence the life of the child and a whole future generation. It’s impossible not influence people from your emotions and beliefs in some way, specially kids.

    Besides, with such a huge population it’s not like if people decided not to have kids human race would end. There are plenty of kids who need to be cared for as it is.

  157. Knowing and being honest with yourself that you would feel resentful of a child you had is the main reason not to have any. I hope you were not resented as a child.

    If you weren’t’ resented then just be thankful your mother wasn’t you or you wouldn’t be here to voice your opinion, nor would I even be making this post…

  158. I think there is a lot of misconception going on in this thread about
    what people are trying to say about not knowing real love until you
    have your own child. I think that has been taken out of context.

    What I do know is that people who do not have children, whether they want
    them or not, cannot experience that special kind of love that comes
    from the loving union of parent and child. It is nothing like the union
    of marriage, or a committed relationship. Its a differnt and very
    special union.

    A parent looking at their child is seeing there own flesh in front of their eyes. Not many things in life compare with that experience and it’s exclusive to the parent child union. For those who can not have children but truly want then and adopt, they grow to love them as their own flesh as well. . .

    Unil I had children of my own, I had no understanding of this. And every other loving parent I have ever talked to about this says the same thing..

    Get on YouTube and search for parent and child reunions. like a young soldier coming home on leave from battle to surprise hjs mother, or a father to surprises his daughter, and watch their emotional reactions together.

    After watching a few of these then compare these emotions to all the other kind of human reunion emotions for husband and wife, aunts and uncles,brother and sister lovers, best friends. None of these other human reunions have the same kind of emotional intensity as the parent child reunions.

    What loving human relationship usually last the longest in a lifetime? , A marriage, a cohabitation, or a mother and child relationship?