“I Pick Up a …”

Blogcritic David Hogberg hangs out in Iowa where the corn is high and the newspapers are lefty-populist-farmer-weasel. He Fisks them on a regular basis, but this time he invites your contributions as well:

It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything on Ms. Crunchy Granola Pants, because her columns are usually so stilted and silly that taking them on is the intellectual equivalent of kicking kittens. Yet her most recent column is just too good to pass up. In this one, she talks about shopping for a “Relief Kit for Iraq.” She uses each item she purchases as a metaphor for the likely war against Saddam and (of course) how terrible America is. For example:

I pick up a bottle of shampoo and some hope that conditions in Iraq will soften. Life for the ordinary person has been hard. Can human compassion reach across borders and begin to heal the hardships of sanctions?

I pick up a box of powdered laundry detergent and some hope that we are willing to see our own dirty laundry. Who sold Iraq her weapons? Who has used weapons of mass destruction? Can we learn from our soiled history?

I was inclined to dismiss this with a hearty laugh until I read this gem:

I pick up a package sanitary pads and some hope for a new cycle of peace. Life has its cycles and we seem stuck in a violent whirlwind. Can we hope for a new season of reconciliation?

Here’s your part:

I would like you to come up with your own metaphor. It must begin “I picked up….” The item can be anything you find in a supermarket, department store, hardware store, or auto-parts store. You can even use computer related items… The metaphor, however, must either relate to some aspect of the war against Saddam, or about how awful America is.

Let’s help Dave out: “I pick up dandruff shampoo and think about the flakes who write columns about menstrual cycles and what a peace-loving guy Saddam Hussein is…”

No, no, no, I got it reversed. “In the automotive section I pick up a fuel additive and think about how Saddam gassed his own women and children … I pick up cottage cheese and think about what he has done to the Kurds…” Ah, I can’t do anything right. You go on over and help Dave out.