Wednesday , October 27 2021

Fair Fowls of Equine Fecal Feather

In my SoCal childhood, the whole family always looked forward to trips down to Mexico, whether just down to Ensenada, or down to San Felipe on the Gulf of California, or wherever (never gross Tijuana), and I was particularly fascinated by the ready availability of gritty products frowned upon in the U.S.: serious fire crackers, switch-blades, and inconceivably hilarious to me at the time, Horse Shit Cigarettes, with the timeless motto, “not a fart in the bunch.” That still cracks me up.

That, and after wandering down a little side street: “Hey meester, you want to try my seester, she’s still a virgin.” I was 12 at the time and equal parts horrified, titilated, and flattered.

This is what brought those memories reeling back:

    Bird body: Genuine California horse excrement (horse turds). Each turd is hand selected. They are carefully inspected at the collection site for shape, consistency, and color. If acceptable, they are then dried and sealed in liquid plastic. Rest assured, only the highest quality turds are used. The staff takes their shit seriously.

    Head, legs: California Coastal Driftwood, grape wood, in some cases just plain ol’ sticks. We individually select the natural wood used on each Turd Bird, using only pieces with appropriate personality and attitude, giving each finished Turd Bird its own unique identity.

    Bodies of the Turd Birds are made from real California excreted waste. Should the protective plastic seal become penetrated, dispose of immediately.

    Avoid leaving in direct sunlight or high heat for extended periods of time.

Yes, Turd Birds, sculptures utilizing the above special ingredients. And I like this bit of info too:

    Ever wonder where the word shit comes from? Well here it is. Certain types of manure used to be transported (as everything was years ago) by ship. In dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was discovered what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term “S.H.I.T” on them which meant to the sailors to “Ship High In Transit.” In other words, high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Hmm, interesting, but my Slang and Eupehmism book says nothing of this, citing use of the word “shit,” meaning “to defecate” as far back as Britain in the 1300’s.

So anyway, check out this classic:

Eric Crapton: “A legend in his time, he has given us so many hits….. LayLow, Change the Toliet Paper, I Shot the Shit, Knocking on the Bathroom Door, Lay the Turd Down Sally and the list goes”

Peruse an entire aviary of fowl fecal friends here.

Very important to keep this in mind:

    No turds are harmed or otherwise humiliated during the making of Turd Birds.

    Turd Birds are not alive. They make no noise. They do not smell. They do not need to be fed. They are not a toy. Adults only please.

    The turds used for Turd Bird bodies are not shaped or formed by the artist. The turds are not altered in any way once it has severed it’s relationship with the horse.

    During the collection process the Turd Tongs are used for picking the turds up off the ground, not for extracting them from the horses behind.

    The story “Origin of Shit” is completely false. We liked the story, thought it fit well with the theme of the web site, and there was a blank space that needed to be filled. It was included in this site solely for entertainment purposes, not for the purpose of promoting ignorance worldwide.

Ah, my suspicions prove correct – you cannot shit a shitter – usually.

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About Eric Olsen

Career media professional and serial entrepreneur Eric Olsen flung himself into the paranormal world in 2012, creating the America's Most Haunted brand and co-authoring the award-winning America's Most Haunted book, published by Berkley/Penguin in Sept, 2014. Olsen is co-host of the nationally syndicated broadcast and Internet radio talk show After Hours AM; his entertaining and informative America's Most Haunted website and social media outlets are must-reads: [email protected],, Pinterest America's Most Haunted. Olsen is also guitarist/singer for popular and wildly eclectic Cleveland cover band The Props.

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