Thursday , September 24 2020
Discuss the global food shortage over a pot of poo!

Drink Up: Catpooccino Has Arrived!

Peter Jones’ central London coffee shop in Sloane Square is offering up a new and rare pick-me-up, perhaps to counter the depressing feelings one might get from reading about all the riots caused by the global food shortage.

This upscale, $100 cup of coffee, an exclusive blend of Jamaican Blue Mountain and the Kupi Luwak bean, is harvested from a cat’s ass. Not just any cat, mind you — a palm civet. This Indonesian creature is a cross between a cat and a monkey. That makes it all better.

The civets eat the beans, but can’t digest them. They can only digest the fruit pulp of the soft coffee cherries. The beans themselves are deposited on the forest floor. From here they are pulled from the cat’s dung by entrepreneurial plantation workers who know just how pretentious and gullible some westerners are; palm civetenough so to pay for and drink something my teenage daughter has dubbed “Catpooccino.” She further suggested the word be pronounced with a French accent, “making it more marketable in the United States.”

Peter Jones boasts that proceeds from the sale of the brew are going to a cancer charity. Wouldn’t something in the gastrointestinal disease arena be more appropriate?

More incredulous than the jutted java are the comments made by some of those all too willing to part ways with their money.

I was a little apprehensive before I tried it but I actually really liked it. It was very earthy and it tastes very smooth.

That apprehensiveness can be attributed to the evolutionary instinct to avoid shit – no matter how pretty the platter upon which it is served.

It is a delicacy so I can definitely see someone wanting to pay £50 for this, perhaps for a present.

”Present”? Doesn’t this person mean “prank” – as in the bag of flaming poo many of us left on the doorstep of our nemesis?

"We wanted to give our customers a really special experience," a Peter Jones’ spokesman was heard to say. Indeed you have. Next on the menu: thé Pee féline (cat pee tea).

Cheers!

About Diana Hartman

Diana is a USMC (ret.) spouse, mother of three and a Wichita, Kansas native. She is back in the United States after 10 years in Germany. She is a contributing author to Holiday Writes. She hates liver & motivational speakers. She loves science & naps.

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