Wednesday , May 22 2024

Crunchy Granola Answers

The Kernel of the Corn, Dave Hogberg, asked and ye responded. In a nutshell (heehee), Dave took on a local columnist, whom he fondly calls Ms. Crunchy Granola Pants:

    her most recent column is just too good to pass up. In this one, she talks about shopping for a “Relief Kit for Iraq.” She uses each item she purchases as a metaphor for the likely war against Saddam and (of course) how terrible America is. For example:

    I pick up a bottle of shampoo and some hope that conditions in Iraq will soften. Life for the ordinary person has been hard. Can human compassion reach across borders and begin to heal the hardships of sanctions?

    I pick up a box of powdered laundry detergent and some hope that we are willing to see our own dirty laundry. Who sold Iraq her weapons? Who has used weapons of mass destruction? Can we learn from our soiled history?

Thus inspired he held a contest seeking bromides in a similar vein. He got over 70 responses.

Although my own contributions were cast aside like soiled tampons, that’s okay becuase I didn’t follow the rules. So there. Dave has picked his winners:

    Some, of course, focused on oil. I enjoyed these the best:

    I pick up a three pack of Dove Soap on sale for $3.19, (yeah me) and think about the itching between my shoulder blades caused by dry skin, and wonder if Saddam too has an itching between his shoulderblades, seeing as that is where the first bullet will probably enter during the massive-illegal-chickenhawk-international bullying and rape of the Iraqi people that probably ends in nuclear war when it’s just for oil and lumber and making Amerika a fascist state because Cheney is an evil warmonger go Kyoto Protocol Wellstone was our JFK Bush was selected!-Jim

    I pick up a package of Always Maxipads and hope that, one day, America, too, will spread her wings and soar above all of the pollution and waste. Preventing the leakage of one more drop of oil.

    Then there were ones that were scary because they sounded so much like Ms. Curnchy Granola Pants:

    I pick up a packet of yeast and hope the next rising of the sun will see all the peoples of the world breaking the bread of peace.

    ….And my favorite food metaphor:

    At the grocery store I picked up a can of Chock-Full-O-Nuts coffee & thought about the anti-war movement.
    -red state inhabitant

    Last is my favorite metaphor. This one is not funny at all, but very poignant. I like it so much because it demonstrates how columns like Jane Yoder-Short’s trivialize what this struggle is all about. It’s from N.Z. Bear:

    I went to the store and picked up nothing at all. Because that’s what two thousand, seven hundred and ninety-seven people who were in the World Trade Center were able to buy today.

No, not funny at all, but apparently we need to be reminded of what this is all about time and again.

About Eric Olsen

Career media professional and serial entrepreneur Eric Olsen flung himself into the paranormal world in 2012, creating the America's Most Haunted brand and co-authoring the award-winning America's Most Haunted book, published by Berkley/Penguin in Sept, 2014. Olsen is co-host of the nationally syndicated broadcast and Internet radio talk show After Hours AM; his entertaining and informative America's Most Haunted website and social media outlets are must-reads: Twitter@amhaunted,, Pinterest America's Most Haunted. Olsen is also guitarist/singer for popular and wildly eclectic Cleveland cover band The Props.

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