Wednesday , February 21 2024
Britney pulls back from the abyss with a savvy message on her website. Lindsay spams her email list with misspelled madness.

Celebutarts in Print: Britney Spears Rallies, Lindsay Lohan Tanks

What a fabutastic few weeks of celebrity goodness! It’s like Christmas came early and I was sprawled atop of Santa’s Nice List, what with Britney Spears dumping K-Fed, dropping her drawers and palling around with my favorite mentally challenged celebrity Paris Hilton. The icing on this sweetass cake could only be Lindsay Lohan’s final descent in madness. Oh wait, check that off my wish list!

In the spirit of the holidays, I have begun writing my own version of the most annoying Christmas ballad on record:

“On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Britney Spears sans panties;
On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Two skanky hoes who like to party;
On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me
A slew of crazy emails from a Firecrotch named Lindsay”

I’m sort of stuck there, maybe y’all can pitch in.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting So yeah, back to Brit-Brit. When we last left our “junior diva” she was having difficulty remembering her underwear and was letting it all hang out with the likes of her new BFF Paris Hilton. Accusations of irresponsibility, child neglect, and a severe sense of foreboding for her future were rife. One week later, we have come full circle.

Early reports this week held that Britney’s mother, Lynn Spears, was having trouble tracking down her eldest daughter, as were the agents at CPS. According to sources, the agency hasn’t made official contact yet, but her family and handlers weren’t waiting and were “trying to stage an intervention with (Spears’ manager) Larry Rudolph’s help.”

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting Perhaps not coincidentally, Britney has now stepped up to quell the rising tide of negativity with a statement on her official website which both addresses the recent scandals and sets a more positive, if not coquettish, tone in light of her recent behavior:

    It’s been so long since I’ve been out on the town with friends. It’s been almost 2 years since I’ve even celebrated my birthday. Every move I make at this point has been magnified more than I expected, and I probably did take my new found freedom a little too far. Anyway, thank God for Victoria’s Secrets’ new underwear line! I look forward to a new year, new music and a new me.

    I’m just getting started…. Happy Holidays everyone!

That was so deftly crafted, with its hint of wink-wink, nudge-nudge, the promise of better behavior and a dusting of apology, that one can only guess someone helped Britney write it. Whatever the case, the good-will-o-meter for Britney Spears is on the rise and for some otherworldly reason, people are pulling for this young woman. Good luck with that.

Speaking of coherently written messages to the public, we must take an “adequite” inventory in the opposite direction and check in on America’s favorite 90-car pileup, more affectionately known as Lindsay Lohan.

While I typically relish and deeply enjoy watching the foibles of the rich and talentless as they deservedly fall from grace, the tragic case of Lindsay Lohan stirs something within my soul. Some might call that unfamiliar tingling sensation a heart, or compassion perhaps, but I choose call it “acid build up” and like to wash it down with a jigger of “I don’t give a figgie pudding anymore.”

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting Unlike Britney, Lindsay has burned through her good-will-o-meter with not just pathetic drunken crotch-bearing behavior, but a flagrant and disrespectful disregard for her position in life, a position she wouldn’t have without her young and impressionable fans. Lindsay has conducted herself in a wasteful, crude and unappreciative manner. And while I may feel for her out of some motherly instinct, her conscious choice to abuse her talents and body, plus her insatiable need for any and all sorts of attention, begs for my unwavering critical eye of discontent.

Lindsay, known for so many horrifying things ranging from out of control drug use, to boyfriend binges, paranoia, and general bitchiness, has also included being a prolific, if incoherent and poorly-executing, writer to her resume of suckiness. Seriously, she makes Britney seem like a Pulitzer Prize contender.

Her latest efforts with the written word started with the death of famed director Robert Altman, with whom she worked recently on the film A Prairie Home Companion.

Lindsay, stricken with grief, fired off a letter of condolence to the Altman family. Like a David Lynch movie, it started out okay, but quickly began to spiral out of control. You can almost sense the twitching and the sparks flare as the gears in Lindsay’s wee little brain begin to grind, as she feebly attempts to express herself and descend into her mental melt down:

    So every day when you wake up, Look in the mirror and thank god for every second you have and cherish all moments. The fighting, the anger, the drama is tedious. ,Please just take each moment day by day and consider yourself lucky to breathe and feel at all and smile. Be thankful.

    Life comes once, doesn’t ‘keep coming back’ and we all take such advantage of what we have. When we shouldn’t….. ‘ Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of yourselves’ (12st book) -everytime there’s a triumph in the world a million souls hafta be trampled on.-altman Its true. But treasure each triumph as they come.

    If I can do anything for those who are in a very hard time right now, as I’m one of them with hearing this news, please take advantage of the fact that I’m just a phone call away.

    God Bless, peace and love always. Thank You, “BE ADEQUITE”
    Lindsay Lohan”

Wow! Stunning, and not in a good way. It’s like reading my junior high writing. Sure there are big sounding words in there and it seems all fantastic, but then I get it back with so much red ink and angry scrawls that I can’t quite make out the enormous F that’s been etched into it.

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Since I know the readers of this site are WAY too sophisticated to troll the celebrity media, trust me when I say this particular missive was so panned and critiqued across the world that there is NO FLIPPING WAY Lindsay isn’t aware of the fact that people know what a blathering idiot she is. In fact, the UK publication The Independent suggested that her letter is “Exhibit A for the indictment of America’s education system”!

Or, perhaps Lindsay was just being “adequite” and possibly juiced?

Any normal celebrity would recuse themselves form the spotlight after all the bad press Lindsay has received of late, but Lindsay’s like a meteor on a crash course with destiny and won’t stop until she and the dinosaurs have become extinct.

Then there’s Exhibit B.

Lindsay was in attendance at a dinner for the GQ Men of the Year awards, where she received the honor of being Obsession of the Year (neat!). Page Six reported that sources at the party witnessed Lindsay flip out when she spotted her former assistant, whom after a nasty split with Lohan, now works for actress Jessica Biel, who was also in attendance. Lohan, always the picture of rational behavior was heard barking, “If she stays, I’m outta here! I can’t look at that girl! I can’t believe you would allow an assistant in here – she doesn’t belong in here!”

Apparently few cared about her outrage, but comedian Will Ferrell was overheard telling Ben Affleck, Leonardo DiCaprio, and former Vice President Al Gore, “Who cares about that freak anymore, anyway?”

Fast forward to the present and it seems that according to Ms. Lohan, former VP Al Gore is giving her props. At least that’s what her most recent paranoid booze-induced scrawls say, which, thankfully, she emailed to her entire address book.

“Al Gore will help me. He came up to me last night and said he would be very happy to have a conversation with me. If he is willing to help me, let’s find out. Hilary [sic] Clinton, Bill Clinton, and Evan Metroplis [sic], and John Daur who works with them would be willing, if we just ask. If we just ASK.”

Al Gore’s rep had this to say regarding LL’s statement: “I can confirm to you that Mr. Gore has only met Ms. Lohan once, very briefly, at the GQ Men of the Year dinner last week. There were hundreds of other guests.”

Here’s an image of the entire email:

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All I can say is WOWEE WOW WOW. If that’s not the most glaring case for full committal at the place of quiet respite, I don’t know what is.

Not sure who exactly is to blame for this most severe disintegration of a former promising actress, but it sure isn’t me. I’ve been pulling for you Lindsay, but now I wash my hands, and perhaps my feet, of you. If you don’t get your severely lodged cranium out of your rectal cavity soon, we will all be taking a moral inventory of your less than “adequite” life as we mourn your final act.

About Dawn Olsen

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