America, we have found a savior and her name is Britney Spears.
From what have we been saved by TheBrit? Wolf Blitzer, of course.
How was Her Britfulness saved us? Britney Spears has filed for divorce from husband Kevin Federline, citing irreconcilable differences. It might be the least shocking headline in a decade but it arrives just in time to save us from hours of droning by Wolf Blitzer.
Let us hope Team Spears' advisers did not actually think they could sneak this little bombshell by us by leaking it on Election Day! While I would like to believe I live in a country where trashy tabloid stories would rate far below important national elections, I know better. I would also like to believe I live in a country where the best and the brightest win and real issues decide elections. As if. How long before the Democrats or Republicans blame this news for harming their get-out-the-vote efforts? Don't think Karl Rove wouldn't love to discover Kevin Federline is a Democrat. Only K-Fed is less popular than the president. This is the kind of thing that makes Howard Dean scream!
So, thank you, Brit! Thank you one million times over! This news is a gift that keeps on giving. I am not so good with math, but I think anytime you can get a vacuous duo that has multiplied like rabbits to do a little subtraction, the idiot quotient is reduced by a factor of ten. Translation: she kicked his ass to the curb before they could conceive a third child.
Spears is being represented by high-powered attorney Laura Wasser, who has cited irreconcilable differences as the reason behind the divorce in papers filed in Los Angeles.
Irreconcilable differences might be the most common legal grounds for divorce, but it did surprise me just a little that it would apply here. What sort of differences could these two have? Anyone who watched their brief reality TV show has to wonder if either one of them has a double-digit IQ. I almost asked myself what two low-rent morons could have to argue over, but then I remembered it is Election Day so I was able to answer my own question.
Numerous reports have chronicled the turbulence in Spears' marriage and the apparent toll it took on the new mother. Spears has had a series of public… gaffes, shall we say, where her parenting is concerned and rumors of a split have plagued the couple from the beginning. No matter how hard they tried to convince us their love was forever, the world remained skeptical. TheBrit can shoulder some of the blame for the scoffs of the prying public, having married a friend on a whim only to annul the marriage 55 hours later.
We have thus far heard nothing from Camp K-Fed, at least not in legal terms. Sadly, K-Fed has not been quite so silent in the musical arena as he finally released his album, Playing With Fire. It has been suggested there is no such thing as bad publicity and it is true news of this won't likely hurt the album, if only because no one is actually buying the damn thing. If the critics can be believed, no amount of publicity can save this turd of an record. Speaking of K-Fed and turd albums, I have a suggestion for the sequel when he takes this heartbreak and tries to morph it into a follow-up record (a la Nick Lachey): a duet with former American Idol William Huang. Could anything suck more?
There is good news for the two children who, like so many children, were born to idiots. According to TMZ, Spears might be smarter than we all think (and how could she not be?), or at least has received better advice than Sir Paul McCartney. Citing anonymous sources, Spears and Federline signed a prenuptial agreement prior to their October 2004 marriage. It sounds like K-Fed better start selling some of his own records.
Spederline is no more. K-Fed's appearance on a future season of The Surreal Life is imminent.