Blu-ray Review: The Watch (2012)

Imagine, if you will, what might happen were three of America’s funniest comedians were to team up with a popular British funnyman in order to star together in what can only be described as the surefire laugh riot of the 21st century. Now picture what might happen were said film written by three of the most talented gentlemen in the business, and the movie itself was helmed by a seasoned and stalwart professional. No, I can’t envision what that would be like, either — but that’s probably because I just had the misfortune of viewing The Watch, which has left with the unshakable feeling that the very genre of motion picture comedy has committed suicide.

Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, and Jonah Hill finally welcome an outsider to their prestigious “You’re either Owen Wilson-like, or you’re in the way!” organization of unfunniness by allowing the relatively-unknown (in the US) British bloke Richard Ayoade amongst their ranks. It could very well be an unprecedented first, too: bringing a person of color into their fray with veracity like that — even if he is the whitest brother they could have picked. But seriously, folks, with The Watch, we get yet another goofy story from Evan Goldberg and Seth Rogan — the gentlemen who brought us The Green Hornet — and Jared Stern (the man who wrote the god-awful Mr. Popper’s Penguins), wherein a ghastly murder of a Costco night watchman leads to an alien conspiracy.

Yes, that’s where we’re at these days, kids. Having massacred the sanctity of classic crime fighters, traditional novels, relationships, parenthood, fashion, heists, war, sports, Christmas, potheads, and then some, it is now time that the combined efforts of the aforementioned fellows now reach their greasy hands out into space to smudge it all up, too. So, anyway, our leads assemble as a half-baked, half-assed neighborhood watch program following the aforementioned extraterrestrial massacre, which makes way for one tired joke after another as these four morons stumble around in search of a clue. Sadly, nobody — from the writers to the performers — actually had a clue here, which is evident in the fact that the movie took a good four years to come to pass.

Had it not have passed, of course, I doubt anyone would have noticed. Throughout the entire movie, there was only one genuine moment that honestly succeeded in making me chuckle — a brief bit wherein our haphazard heroes repeatedly shoot a dead alien over and over. The rest of the surprisingly big-budgeted flick it is the usual crap we’ve come to expect from the likes of Stiller, Vaughn, and Hill — and should be avoided at all costs.

Sadly, The Watch‘s hefty budget allowed its producers to have better-looking aliens here than we usually see in most of the serious CGI-laden sci-fi movies, so at least there’s one advantage to be found here. And those critters look pretty durn good in the luscious 1080p/AVC transfer the folks at Fox Home Entertainment have given us. Detail is quite remarkable, and the presentation is as clean as it can possibly be, with a well-balanced color palette and contrast overall. Accompanying the feature is an equally nice DTS-HD Master Audio 5.1 soundtrack that brings out all of the spacey sound effects crammed into this dreadful comedy.

As you would expect, the special features for this one are ripe with the customary amount of gag reels, alternate takes, deleted/extended scenes, etc. Also included are a number of behind-the-scenes ditties, most of which are just as exciting as everything else on-hand in this Blu-ray/DVD/UV Digital Copy Combo.

My advice: skip it.