Dear Members of the Swedish Academy:
First of all, I am writing a letter of apology on behalf of my fellow American, Mr. Bob Dylan, upon whom you graciously bestowed the 2016 Nobel Prize in Literature. I know that he has not been in touch with you regarding this magnificent honor, and some members of your esteemed organization are understandably irritated with his lack of, shall we say, enthusiasm at being held in such high esteem by your members.
Since I realize that November 10 is coming quickly, Mr. Dylan seems uninterested, and I am almost certain that you hope to bestow the award on someone who will willingly accept this most prestigious honor, I wish to nominate myself to be the recipient of the 2016 Nobel Prize in Literature.
Some if not all of your membership may think this is unprecedented and perhaps arrogant, but I can assure you that I am in all humility a writer who is deserving of this accolade, and I have received awards before if that figures into your process of consideration. Honestly, if the teachers of the City of New York could bestow a creative writing award upon me in high school, and the National Arts Club saw fit to award me with top prize for poetry when I was attending CUNY, I believe that my inherent worthiness of further consideration for higher honors should be apparent.
People who have read my novel Like a Passing Shadow, which are at least six and counting (and that does not include any immediate family members), have told me that reading that book changed their lives forever. Since I have never seen or heard from any of these people again, I am assuming that they have gone about life-altering journeys which they would have not undertaken without my book’s motivating message.
My offer to you is totally sincere and in earnest, and if you would just Google my name you will discover a wealth of published material for your perusal. More importantly, I will swiftly accept the award, make considerable fuss about receiving it, and comply with all your necessary and compelling rules and regulations regarding it. Honestly, I will even do the dishes after the ceremony if that counts for anything.
Hopefully you will take this under advisement and get back to me with a positive response shortly. In the meantime I will prepare my acceptance address which will be shorter than Gabriel Garcia Marquez’s but much longer than Mr. Dylan’s, since obviously he has not written even a sentence at this juncture.
Again, I do apologize for Mr. Dylan, and I am sending this off to you rather hastily because I fear your academy will believe that all Americans are a bunch of ignorant louts who think nothing of the true nobility of the Nobel Prize.
I am going to end this letter by thanking the members of the committee for their consideration of my candidacy, and now you must excuse me while I put the bubbly on ice, continue writing my acceptance speech, and await your phone call.
Sincerely yours in literary appreciation,