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Lindsay Lohan Promotes ProActiv, But May Prefer Coke

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When you lead a busy and harried lifestyle like starlet Lindsay Lohan, you need an effective, low-maintenance skin care regimen. Nothing says acne and skin blemishes like late night Jäger shots and coke snorting. Luckily for parent company Guthy-Renker, ProActiv has just the solution to fix what ails a Hollywood hottie, and it scored another big name star to hawk its skincare wares to the world.

Lindsay LohanReceiving a sweet $2 million dollar deal to be the new face for the popular three-step acne treatment, Lindsay Lohan is the perfect candidate for the blemish-free world of ProActiv. Teenagers can relate to her as well as the hormonally-challenged adults who are still plagued by grotesque bouts of skin flare-ups.

Others gracing the ProActiv lineup are Jessica Simpson, PDiddy (Sean "Puffy") Combs, Elle McPherson, Alicia Keyes, Brooke Shields, and Kelly Clarkson. Damn, that's a lot of big-name acne.

Speaking of scoring, also haunting the "firecrotch" rumor mills is a "blind item" story by the funny-as-a-three-dollar bill gossip queen Ted Casablanca.

In this tale of debauchery, the heroine of our "blind item" is aptly named "Morgan Mayhem" (I bet Ted laughed long and hard at his cleverness on that one) and Morgan is starring in her own dope-show.

"A swanky Hollywood hotel, known for its crazy parties and late-night flings," Casablanca writes. "A very nearly has-been actor is escorting two lovely ladies to a friend's room upstairs. Said gray-haired type accidentally happens into the wrong suite at a very inopportune time. Morgan is alone in the room, 'cept for her coke stash and bodyguards. And one particularly helpful guard is choppin' up lines for Miz M. Now, that's stellar service!

"And even though M2 was gettin' blown all alone," he continues, "she ain't happy about the company. Has-been actor offers a hello. 'Who are they?' demands M., who's known to hate pretty gals who dare get anywhere near her sleep-deprived vicinity. 'This is my room and my coke!' bitches Morgan. 'Get out.'"

Hehe, "this is my room and my coke" – you just can't make up that kind of angry, paranoid, coked-out snarl. And that sounds like the tone of a young, selfish, unwilling to share her drugs, too-much-of-a-good-thing attitude an otherwise talented star might spit out in haste.

Clearly, since this is a "blind item" story, we can only speculate that Morgan Mayhem is Lindsay Lohan (please appreciate the singy tonality of the pseudonym with the real name, plus the double consonant first names is a touch of autistic genius).

It is entirely possible this story isn't about our dear Lindsay, it could be about anyone, say perhaps d-lister whore Tara Reid. But suffice it to say, Lilo and coke are becoming as synonymous as milk and cookies. And you know what they say, when there's smoke, there's fire. Or, at least, a firecrotch.

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About Dawn Olsen

  • DJRadiohead

    Welcome back, Dawn. Excellent as always.

    ::cough:: allegedly ::cough::

  • hello

    And Lindsay’s middle name is Morgan :)

  • Eric Olsen

    nice juxtaposition Dawn – and thanks for the info “hello,” very telling

  • Dawn

    Good to be back DJR. Good thing those celebs don’t take a break :)

  • Eric Olsen

    you still look like what’s-her-name

  • Mark Saleski

    so dawn is a scientologist now? dang, life’s comlicated.

  • Eric Berlin

    “d lister whore” — you just can’t make that up, either!

    Great stuff Dawn, greater yet to see you back and in top form.

  • Eric Olsen

    a Scientologist who looks like she just got goosed with a lemon

  • Hector

    What did Tara Reid ever do to you? Why don’t you find something better to do than bitch about someone you never met?

  • Eric Olsen

    Hector, if you know Tara, please tell us about her.

  • yoxy7112

    Jeager shots and coke snorting?

    This sounds more like fiction, because I don’t see any facts! I highly doubt a successful celebrity such as Lindsay Lohan, would be snorting cocaine! This sounds like the headline that cryed WOLF!

  • Dawn

    Oh yes, Yoxy, how shocking that a celebrity such as Lindsay Lohan would do coke. Um, the only facts in question were whether this particular tale of coking it up was true. She’s so much as admitted to doing coke in interviews, so her coke virgin status is not really the issue here.

    As for the facts in this case – that’s why I wrote “speculate.” It doesn’t just cover your ass, it’s a neat word to say too.

  • Dawn

    Oh and Hector – I have absolutely NOTHING better to do than bitch about whores like Tara Reid. If she’s a personal friend, accept my insincere apologies.

  • cortney

    seriously think about it people she would do coke. she is famous and has a lot of money. she also got very thin very quickly. you don’ ever see pictures of her working out or anything like that just in bathingsuits slutting around…think about it, models do coke why wouldn’t she?

  • Matthew T. Sussman

    Must be diet coke.

  • DJRadiohead

    No celebrity I know of ever did any cocaine. Scandalous, Dawn!

    Damn, there are some sheep out there.

  • Dawn

    Hehe, diet coke. That’s funny.

  • DJRadiohead

    Maybe I ought to switch to the diet coke.

    Do I sense a truce once again being struck between Dawn and The Suss?

  • Dawn

    Doubtless DJR! Or is that doubtful?

  • Mary K. Williams

    I was wondering when the next celeb skewering would take place – served with Diet Coke no less!

    Thanks for the smiles Dawn – : )

  • Charles Almon

    Whatever happened to Cher’s fat hairdresser. Did she swallow all of her CREME rinse. Remember when BIG staors shilled for cigarette ads. They all died of lung cancer. Rich but dead.

  • Matt

    Ya know its kinda sad, an average person gets involved with the wrong people and gets caught up into drugs and everyone tries their best to be supportive and help thier friend from destroying their life, but when someone famous gets caught up in some shit its a big fuckin joke, as if because she has money, shes not susceptible to the negative effects on her body. Grow up people, just because your life sucks doesnt give you the right to judge other people because they made a bad personal decision to do cocaine; to many of us it only shows the negativity in your own life.

  • who cares

    personally I dislike the articles tone, see no attempt at verification of facts and consider this a really lousy attempt of reporting what might be considered an entertainment news writing. I also find it interesting that those who disagreed or made a derogatory comment were attacked or replied to by you the writer. From a journalist and editor, do yourself a favor, stay out of the writing business.

  • rj

    eh, who cares?

  • tekierz

    I have no doubt in my mind that Lindsey Lohan is a coke whore.

  • Andy G

    Who gives a fu**. Surely there are more important things to write about.

    PS Colombia not Columbia.

  • Dawn

    Andy if you have something more important to share with the world, by all means get a blog and write until your heart explodes with joy and delight.

    As for my life sucking and why I should feel sorry for Lindsay, to that I say – fuck that.

    My life sucks in no way and I am not stupid enough to ruin a really charmed life with cocaine. I have zero pity for the rich, selfish and stupid.

  • Craig Lyndall

    I am still mourning the loss of that Train Wreck of a TV show Taradise when they let Tara Reid hooker it up around the world like the “School in Summertime” Brooke Burke.

    “Hey everybody, welcome to Taradise. Wanna drink martinis?”

  • Krista

    Thanks Dawn, for having nothing better to do than bitch about coke whores! It’s funny how the people complaing about what you wrote, actually took the time to read your blog, and then respond. You know, because there are so many other important issues to talk about…
    Write on!

  • DJRadiohead

    I think it is interesting that whenever someone takes a stand against a certain behavior, no matter how amoral, is attack the source of it.

    You criticize Dawn for saying “horrible” things about people she doesn’t know and then you turn around and say worse things about her. Let me guess, you’ve never met Dawn or spoken to her. No hypocrisy in that.

    And then there is this story- let’s rip Dawn for writing about a published report that alleges Lindsay’s cocaine use rather than ripping cocaine use and its horrible effects. Certain behaviors should be criticized and ripped and a person doesn’t have to be perfect in order to call some behaviors wrong, dangerous, selfish, destructive, or stupid.

  • Matthew T. Sussman

    Dawn I just want to let you know that what you have to say is so unimportant (gawsh, write about something else!) that I am going to prove just how unfulfilling my life is by taking the time to comment on an article I don’t even like letting you know that because this is a boring and pathetic article, I now assume that you too are boring and pathetic.

  • DJRadiohead

    Sussman, you so crazy.

  • Dawn

    I may be pathetic, but I am NOT boring.


  • Mark Saleski

    how could you be boring? i mean, with every article you’ve got a new look.

    sorta like michael jackson without the scary maskface thing.

  • cortney

    obviously you who say people and dawn should have something better to do than write about whores on coke don’t have anything better to do if you have to even take the time to write that…

  • Laughing in Da Burbs

    This Blog was the bomb…
    I think you have the Coke Lobby after you now
    Dawn. It’s amazing how they come out of the
    woodwork like pathetic dweebs whenever one of them is caught.

    Me? I prefer Pepsi and people who don’t
    spread their legs for anything on two feet.

  • kendra scott

    Hi,my name is kendra.I order Proactiv 4 weeks ago.I have all ready sent the 50 dollars and some change for Proactiv but I nevered got it delivered to my house and I nevered heard from the company.I’m trying so hard not to get mad at the company but it tooked me so long to get up to 50 dollars.So I was just wondering if you can call the company and have them send a order of Proactiv [Personal contact info deleted]. Thank you in by the way Lindsey Lohan I loved the movies you played like Freaky Friday and Tht Parents Trap.BBBYYYEEE!10/17/06.