Thursday , April 18 2024
Lindsay Lohan reportedly paid $2 million for promoting anti-acne product, but perhaps she should bill Colombia for free promotion of its biggest export.

Lindsay Lohan Promotes ProActiv, But May Prefer Coke

When you lead a busy and harried lifestyle like starlet Lindsay Lohan, you need an effective, low-maintenance skin care regimen. Nothing says acne and skin blemishes like late night Jäger shots and coke snorting. Luckily for parent company Guthy-Renker, ProActiv has just the solution to fix what ails a Hollywood hottie, and it scored another big name star to hawk its skincare wares to the world.

Lindsay LohanReceiving a sweet $2 million dollar deal to be the new face for the popular three-step acne treatment, Lindsay Lohan is the perfect candidate for the blemish-free world of ProActiv. Teenagers can relate to her as well as the hormonally-challenged adults who are still plagued by grotesque bouts of skin flare-ups.

Others gracing the ProActiv lineup are Jessica Simpson, PDiddy (Sean "Puffy") Combs, Elle McPherson, Alicia Keyes, Brooke Shields, and Kelly Clarkson. Damn, that's a lot of big-name acne.

Speaking of scoring, also haunting the "firecrotch" rumor mills is a "blind item" story by the funny-as-a-three-dollar bill gossip queen Ted Casablanca.

In this tale of debauchery, the heroine of our "blind item" is aptly named "Morgan Mayhem" (I bet Ted laughed long and hard at his cleverness on that one) and Morgan is starring in her own dope-show.

"A swanky Hollywood hotel, known for its crazy parties and late-night flings," Casablanca writes. "A very nearly has-been actor is escorting two lovely ladies to a friend's room upstairs. Said gray-haired type accidentally happens into the wrong suite at a very inopportune time. Morgan is alone in the room, 'cept for her coke stash and bodyguards. And one particularly helpful guard is choppin' up lines for Miz M. Now, that's stellar service!

"And even though M2 was gettin' blown all alone," he continues, "she ain't happy about the company. Has-been actor offers a hello. 'Who are they?' demands M., who's known to hate pretty gals who dare get anywhere near her sleep-deprived vicinity. 'This is my room and my coke!' bitches Morgan. 'Get out.'"

Hehe, "this is my room and my coke" – you just can't make up that kind of angry, paranoid, coked-out snarl. And that sounds like the tone of a young, selfish, unwilling to share her drugs, too-much-of-a-good-thing attitude an otherwise talented star might spit out in haste.

Clearly, since this is a "blind item" story, we can only speculate that Morgan Mayhem is Lindsay Lohan (please appreciate the singy tonality of the pseudonym with the real name, plus the double consonant first names is a touch of autistic genius).

It is entirely possible this story isn't about our dear Lindsay, it could be about anyone, say perhaps d-lister whore Tara Reid. But suffice it to say, Lilo and coke are becoming as synonymous as milk and cookies. And you know what they say, when there's smoke, there's fire. Or, at least, a firecrotch.

About Dawn Olsen

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