What I Get for Praising a Television Show

Fine, I get it, I see where I stand. Week after I sit here and tell people how great the cast is on Law & Order, how it's really gelled once more, how it's fun to watch again, how I'm impressed story after story. So, what's the result? Jesse L. Martin is leaving the show. I tell you that it's finally great and wonderful again, so it has to be changed. Of course it does. In honor of that, let's take a look at what else will could make my television viewing life complete.

First, Omarosa could be given her own show, and I mean really her own show rather than her just co-opting Trump's. Every week could feature Omarosa picking someone off the street and hurling epithets at them. She could look at someone, size them up, decide whether a personal attack aimed at the individual's mother, brother, or receding hairline would best throw them for a loop and begin yelling. For Sweeps I imagine that she could be sitting in a security office somewhere, and a speaker would transmit her voice to random passersby. Someone would just be walking down the street and they'd hear her voice: "Hey, fatso in the blue jeans and ripped t-shirt. That's right, Tub-o, I'm talking to you. I spoke to your wife last night and she says you're a terrible father." It would go on like that for an hour, but would be nothing in comparison to the next entry into primetime.

Imagine, if you will, a behind-the-scenes documentary about ER. Every week this new series would show a clip from an early season of the show (anything prior to season 6), then show a scene from a later season, pointing out the striking similarity between the two (as many of ER's plots in recent seasons have simply been rehashes of old ones, this would be simple). The current cast, directors, producers, and other miscellaneous crew would then come on and talk about how the scene is so much better the second time, how the show never really figured out how to do a plot the first go-round, and it wasn't until they decided to dust off the old script that they really figured it out (mainly, it turns out, the lighting the first time around wasn't quite dim enough).

Finally, a comedy about the funniest period in human history — Ancient Greece. Except, rather than doing it as a period piece, the ancient Greeks will be magically transported to the present day. Not only that, but they're all petulant teenagers attending an uber-rich school in New York City. Week after week, the ancient Greek teens (who have started their own club) humiliate the other teens around them. Rather than doing it on the Internet however, the Greek teens write plays and one of their rich fathers gets them the stage in Central Park to perform them on.

I've often been asked whether there is a world in which I would stop watching television. Nope. Even if the above slate of shows made the air I'd still probably watch from time to time (and sadly, I wouldn't be the only one).