Traditional Families Under Attack Says The Vatican

(The Vatican issued a statement on Tuesday declaring that the Traditional family has never been so threatened. The document was issued by The Pontifical Council for the Family whose head, Cardinal Alfonso López Trujillo, is one of the strongest opponents of the use of condoms)

Raise the drawbridges, lower the gates and deploy the anti-personnel mines. This is an immediate call to arms for all men, women and children. You are in danger of attack by forces that are threatening your very existence. Mom and Dad, Dick and Jane, and even Spot, it’s time to stand up and be counted.

The traditional family is under siege. Everywhere you look the forces of evil are approaching. They'll threaten you with condoms; preach equal rights, and (horrors of horrors) family planning. If we are not careful they will continue the degradation of our society that began with the abolition of slavery and giving women the vote.

Look at all the problems that abolishing slavery caused. Civil rights marches, riots in the streets, desegregation, and the demand to paid a fair wage. Why, it practically ruined the economy. Affirmative action drove the final nails into the coffin of huge profits and equal payment for equal work was the first shovel full of dirt on the lid.

If it wasn't for the developing world and the opportunities to exploit workers there, industry wouldn't be able to afford to pay their ten percent of all profits to us. Think of the horrible consequences if we hadn't been able to quash those radical priests in South America. Now at least the peasants know their lot is to suffer here on earth and receive pie in the sky when they die.

We'll probably never be able to recover from giving woman the right to vote. All of our problems can be traced back to that moment of infamy. If they had never been allowed to vote they would have never started to think for themselves, which means they would have never become desirous of an education.

Oh, to live in the Muslim world where they know how to deal with their women. That little trollop in Iran who dared deny a man access to her is only getting what's coming to her, what so many of them deserve right here. Can you imagine that — a woman can now charge her God-appointed Lord and Master, her husband, with rape if he tries to do his duty and procreate and she does want to.

A woman's purpose is to breed new souls for God, nothing else. She puts herself above her station in life, the foul temptress, if she thinks she's good for anything else. Remember husbands, the serpent is a wily and devious master, and the apple can come in many forms. Who knows what words are being whispered in her ear right now!

Oh the perfidy of a world that would deny a man his rightful place as king in his own castle. First it was allowing women to vote, then to enter the workplace, only to see them demand to be educated en mass at the same schools as you. The end result has been to fill their heads with dangerous ideas about equality and freedom.

Didn't they know how good they had it, only having to be the loving wife, staying at home producing a child a year, keeping your clothes and house clean, and preparing all your meals? It was that forked tongue demon breathing foul words of temptation into her ear that's caused all this. How else can you explain the elimination of Obey from the marriage vows? What is the point of marrying them if they are not forced to obey our every whim and fancy?

We’ve all seen the result of this: birth control. Is there nothing more evil in the world than a woman deciding she does not want to do the only thing she is truly good for? Why would God have given us the means to have sexual intercourse if not to attempt to produce children at each congress? Do they think that sex is supposed to be for pleasure?

Utilizing birth control means you are debasing your body by allowing it to be used for purposes other than procreation. Whether a condom or a pill, its all the same thing, stealing potential souls from God. Do you collude with your wife in being a soul thief? Because if you do, you are contributing to the undermining of traditional family values by ignoring the true reasons for family: Going forth and multiplying.

The Holy Father did not say go out and spread your seed in wombs made fallow by chemicals, catch it in a rubber sheath, or kill it with a foam. He has not sanctified your union so that you can enjoy each other's bodies. No, Holy Matrimony is so you can have children sanctified by Him so they may be baptized, allowing their souls to go to heaven and His blessed company.

But what about disease you ask, shouldn't people use condoms when they are having sex with someone they do not know well? The answer is they shouldn't be having sex with anyone but their marital partner, so why should they have to worry about disease? Those who do, get what they deserve, it is their punishment for breaking the rules of God.

But, no matter how vile any of those transgressions may seem, there is worse yet. The final death knell of the traditional family has been rung by those misguided secular rulers who think that people of different sexual orientation have rights like the rest of us. To legalize homosexuality in all its perversion was bad enough. Granting them equality of status and protection under the law from discrimination was the next step on the road to Hell.

But now they openly mock our sacred institution by allowing these abominations to call themselves married. How can they marry when they can't breed? What purpose could be served by sanctifying a union of those whose sperm is as wasted as if it were spent through the sin of masturbation. There is no function to their sexual act; it does nothing to fulfill their obligation to provide God with souls.

What further abuse will they heap upon our beleaguered institutions and sanctity of Mom, Dad, Dick, Jane, Spot and two cars in the driveway in suburbia? Will they be allowing men and women to be wedding goats next? Isn't it bad enough that your neighbours could turn out to be a same sex couple without having to worry about whether the goat next door that's grazing is actually your new neighbour's spouse?

It is time for all families in the tradition of Ward and June Cleaver to stand up and be counted. Defend your sacred ground against those forces that are already set on destroying our sit-com reality and ensure that no new dilutions of your marriage vows can occur.

Can you picture a neighbourhood barbecue and having to try and make sure that no one wants to cook your neighbour's wife? If for no other reason, this madness must be stopped now. Let's turn back the clock as far as we can. If faux-Islamic countries like Iran can pretend the freedoms of the twentieth-century never happened, why can't we?