Let me start by saying I am a NY Jets fan (I have bled green as far back as I can remember), and nothing delights me more than to see the New England Patriots have some sort of difficulty. In my mind we Jets fans are the “Jeti” (like the Jedi from Star Wars) and the Patriots and their minions are the Sith (arrange this word’s letters a little differently for an even more apropos appellation) of the National Football League.
Led by “Darth” Bill Belichick and his willing apprentice “Darth” Tom Brady, the Patriots have used the dark side of the farce (a power derived from insanity, greed, and some talent) to assert the reach of their evil empire over as much of the NFL planet as possible. Whenever the Jeti or other forces of good question their tactics, the farce is employed to warp the minds of investigators and the denizens of the planet to trick them into believing Darth Bill is just an innocent and fun-loving coach with no designs on becoming Emperor.
Now that you have the background, there are signs that the farce may no longer be with them as we get DeflateGate (Part Two). Don’t confuse this with DeflateGate (Part One), which basically placed the blame for deflated footballs used in last season’s AFC Championship game on a poor anonymous underling. That, of course, is one of Darth Bill’s best mind games – I didn’t do anything wrong and neither did my right hand Darth Tom, but now we are learning that the story has legs longer than that guy on stilts in the circus, and the farce will not be with the Evil Empire anymore.
Their nefarious tactics are being revealed now in the Wells Report submitted by investigators hired by the NFL. It indicated that Darth Tom was “at least generally aware” of the deflation of the balls by Jim McNally, a Patriots locker room attendant, and John Jastremski, an equipment assistant (Have you ever heard two better names for red shirts?). The steaming light saber (or smoking gun if you’re tired of the Star Wars references by now) involves text messages between the red shirts (months before the incident) indicating Darth Tom wanted his balls deflated to his liking.
One can understand now that more than the farce was with Darth Tom and the Patriots as they defeated the Colts 45-7 with his doctored balls. Jon Stewart of The Daily Show is one of the many fans around planet NFL who is outraged by the story and vents anger at the QB, even if he jokingly refers to how “handsome” Darth Tom is and all that junk with the wife and kids (hey, creepily a lot like Anakin Skywalker before he became Darth Vader).
Now we get word that NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell will suspend Brady and that it will be announced next week. While some are hoping for a full suspension for all of the 2015 season, there are indications (according to sources for the NY Daily News) that Brady will only be suspended six to eight games.
While we Jeti are delighted and savoring this news, it is with sadness that we learn old Darth Bill, the brains behind his brawny apprentice Brady, will seemingly walk away from this at least personally unscathed (meaning no suspension and no fine as in SpyGate). Of course, Darth Bill without Darth Tom is probably as lost as Beavis without Butthead and no doubt will have no idea where to find his remote control, but I wouldn’t cry for the guy who has finally seen that the win any way possible philosophy has its limitations.
It is encouraging to see that Goodell is taking this report seriously. All kidding aside, it is hard not to do so. Every fan of the game should want it to be played cleanly and fairly. Goodell has suspended guys for domestic violence, illegal activities, and drug use, and these things take place off the field; however, what Brady has done is an on-the-field violation that could directly affect the outcome of games – including championship ones.
The Patriot minions are no doubt crying foul this morning upon hearing about Darth Tom’s impending punishment, but the Jeti and all the rest of NFL fans everywhere are celebrating this victory over the dark side. It used to be funny to joke about Brady’s balls, but now more than they will be deflated – Darth Bill has lost the power of the farce, and Patriot plans for domination in 2015 are seriously in question.
Photo credits: getty images, AP, thedailyshow, bleacherreport[amazon template=iframe image&asin=B003ZSJ212]