Friday , June 21 2024
Photo by Michael Vadon - Own work, CC BY-SA 4.0,

My Private Messages from the Trumps

The president and his family have been emailing me almost every day. They sound as if they know me, though they keep calling me by the wrong name.

June 12: I got another email today from Eric Trump, who again addressed me as “Barbara.” He explained that his father’s birthday is coming up, and he wants me to sign a greeting card. He said I can leave a personal note but should also send money. He mentioned that he’s trying to get two million signatures but that if I sign within an hour, I’ll be in the card’s #12 spot, so his father will be sure to see my name.

June 14: Eric’s wife, Lara, emailed me. She said that the president saw a list of “patriots” who had entered a contest for a chance to meet him and noticed that my name was missing from the list. It sounds as if he’s pretty upset about that.

June 14 (later): The president’s campaign emailed to say they’re conducting a big fundraising effort for his birthday, but because it’s a surprise, they asked me to be sure to not forward the email to anyone. They told me the president will be excited to see my name on the list of contributors.

June 15: The president just emailed me directly to invite me to the Republican Convention as his “special VIP guest.” Like Eric and Lara, he called me “Barbara,” and it turns out the invitation applies only if I send him $42 and also win a contest. But he did add that I’m his motivation “to never stop fighting.”

June 16: The Trump campaign wrote to say I’ve been “identified as one of his strongest supporters, and he wants to do something special” for me. According to the email, “he’s requested to have the Official Donor List printed and framed to hang in his office,” but “he wants to make sure my name is on it first.” This is my opportunity to be “cemented in history.”

June 21: I got a note from the president’s campaign saying he’s disappointed to learn that my name is missing from his donor list. They say they’re going to give him a final list in an hour, and they don’t want to do it without my name on it.

June 23: Donald Jr. just wrote, and he seemed distressed. He told me he noticed my name wasn’t on his father’s list of contributors. At first, he thought it was a mistake, he said, but he double-checked and I’m not there.

June 24: Today’s email from the campaign said they’re worried about me because “you’ve always been one of our BEST supporters,” and “it just isn’t like you” to not respond. They emphasized that the president was going to call soon for an update, and they wanted to know whether they could tell him “Barbara” responded.

June 30: Yet another email, this time from the president. He said he checks his list of contributors daily, and every day he notices my name is still missing. He wanted to know whom I trust more to stop criminals from sneaking into our country—him or “MS-13 Loving Joe Biden.” He sounded distraught.

July 8: Donald Trump Jr. took time away from tending to his COVID-19-positive girlfriend to email me again. He asked, “Why are you ignoring my father?” and “Have you stopped checking your email”? He said I was one of his father’s “most loyal supporters” and that the president would “be really disappointed” if I don’t “contribute $42 IMMEDIATELY.”

July 9: “Out of over 84 million registered Republicans,” said today’s email from the campaign, President Trump has “specifically requested” that I, “Barbara,” be invited to join a focus group consisting of his “50 most trusted advisers.”

July 10: Now the president says he’s “only selected 100 Patriots in the entire Nation” to join the “prestigious…Trump 100 Club,” and I could be one of them. The club’s members will be “the ones I turn to when I need the advice of the American People.”

July 18: I got another email this morning from the president, this one saying he was “disappointed” to learn that “Barbara…showed up in the BOTTOM 1% of all Trump Supporters.” But then a couple of hours later, the campaign emailed me that I’m one of his 100 top supporters. Clearly, they’re confused. Maybe it’s time to let them know I’m actually a Democrat named Jeff who thinks the president belongs in prison.

About Jeff Burger

Jeff Burger’s website,, contains half a century's worth of music reviews and commentary. His books include Dylan on Dylan: Interviews and Encounters, Lennon on Lennon: Conversations with John Lennon, Leonard Cohen on Leonard Cohen: Interviews and Encounters, and Springsteen on Springsteen: Interviews, Speeches, and Encounters.

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