Saturday , August 13 2022
On this Mother’s Day I will try to get through the day knowing Mom and Dad are together but also with me.

First Mother’s Day Without Dad

In the past I have written about the difficulties of living through Mother’s Day without my mother. This is now my seventh Mother’s Day without Mom, and it is no easier than the first. I think about her, wish she were here, and try to celebrate the spirit of the day for my wife and children’s sake; however, there is a noticeable heft in my heart.

When I went to the grave to place flowers there, for the first time I was also placing flowers on my father’s grave. As to get the fact into my mind, I traced his newly engraved name on the tombstone with my fingers, and I realized, perhaps for the first time, that he really was gone now.

In the past years since Mom passed away, I always had Dad as a support on this day. After all, we were suffering the loss and got through the day together. That gave me an emotional crutch to lean on, and we would share our stories and it felt as if Mom were there with us. Now with Dad gone, those stories are exclusively mine now.

My sister’s stories are hers and they were shared with them too, but there are those things you share by yourself with your parents, and those get filed in the memory banks as moments no one else is familiar with. Therefore, things that I could have just mentioned to Dad that we three experienced would make him laugh, perhaps something Mom did or said in our presence. Now only I know these things, remember them, and I realize they are lost when I pass on.

I know I am not alone in this; everyone eventually loses his or her parents. Of course, this is a natural progression of things. Now I go on, share what I can with my children, and realize some things do not need to be transmitted. Now if I see something that I could only reference to my parents, I speak to their ethereal presence, and I know that they hear me. More than ever since my father passed on I feel an aura, some spiritual companionship that is fleeting but I know is there.

So on this Mother’s Day I will try to get through the day knowing Mom and Dad are together but also with me. They are watching me with my children and wife, and this helps me appreciate what is happening now. One day I will join them when I pass on, and there will be so much catching up to do for me because I believe they will already know everything that happened here.

If you do have your mother in your life, I wish you and her well. I hope you can be together, but if not there are ways you can connect from far away. Do not let the day slip away because one day you will wish Mom was here and you’ll only be able to bring her flowers in the cemetery. Believe me when I say at that time you will feel empty and lost and just wish you could have her back to kiss on the cheek.

Now I must get through my first Mother’s Day without Dad. It’s harder than I thought, but I will get through the day thanks to my own kids. Yes, I know Father’s Day is the next hurdle, but I’ll face that when the time comes. I’m told it gets easier with time but that hasn’t happened for me yet, and I have my suspicions that it never will.

About Victor Lana

Victor Lana's stories, articles, and poems have been published in literary magazines and online. His books 'A Death in Prague' (2002), 'Move' (2003), 'The Savage Quiet September Sun: A Collection of 9/11 Stories' (2005), and 'Like a Passing Shadow' (2009) are available in print, online, and as e-books. 'Heartbeat and Other Poems,' 'If the Fates Allow: New York Christmas Stories,' 'Garden of Ghosts,' and 'Flashes in the Pan' are available exclusively on Amazon. His newest books 'The Stranger from the Sea' and 'Love in the Time of the Coronavirus' are available as e-books and in print. After winning the National Arts Club Award for Poetry while attending Queens College, he concentrated on writing mostly fiction and non-fiction prose until the recent publication of his new book of poetry, 'Heartbeat and Other Poems' (now available on Amazon). He has worked as a faculty advisor to school literary magazines and enjoys the creative process as a writer, editor, and collaborator. He has been with 'Blogcritics Magazine' since July 2005 and has written many articles on a variety of topics; previously co-head sports editor, he now is a Culture and Society and Flash Ficition editor. Having traveled extensively, Victor has visited six continents and intends to get to Antarctica someday where he figures a few ideas for new stories await him.

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