Awards

I wandered in to my sister’s living room Sunday night – she had the 29th Annual Lemming’s Choice Awards on the big screen. Tony Danza was playing the trumpet, which brought up more questions than my mind could handle: Why was Tony Danza hosting? Why was he playing the trumpet? How could this insipid drivel have gone on for 29 years? Don’t we have the awards of “the people” every day in the form of ratings, sales figures, box office receipts, etc? Isn’t the essence of the appeal of the Big Four awards shows the very fact that “experts” pick the winners, “the people” not knowing shit from Shinola as often as not?

There was also a listless, bemused, and really old-looking Mel Gibson with a video-taped message of thanks. In case you care – and who but the winners would? – the winners are here.

The 30th Annual American Mistake Awards, hosted by the Osbournes, were apparently Monday night – we were driving back home from Virginia and sadly missed it. Because it’s her job, Lia Haberman of E! online caught the show:

Number of bleeps within the show’s opening monologue: seven.

Celebrities embarrassed by bawdy opening repartee: two (Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake).

Pampered pooches on stage: one (Mini).

Biggest surprise: The usually disheveled Jack Osbourne, who cleaned up nicely with a black suit and fedora (we knew you had it in you, Jacko).

And that’s about as wild as it got as the foul-mouthed Osbourne family hosted the 30th annual American Music Awards last night.

In fact, Ma and Pa Osbourne and their crazy brood put on a (disappointingly) subdued show at Los Angeles’ Shrine Auditorium. Sure, daughter Kelly changed outfits five times, but couch potatoes had plenty of time to fetch refreshments and take bathroom breaks.

Aside from Sharon’s embarrassing flirtation with junior Justin (“I’m going to have to take him, Britney. He’s all mine,” she taunted Spears) there were few eyebrow-raisers at the AMAs, whose live broadcast was dedicated to the memory of the late Bee Gee Maurice Gibb, who died on Sunday.

R&B star Ashanti, who went into the evening with five nominations, failed to make it a sweep. The music-biz newbie went home with matching bookend awards for Favorite New Artist in Pop/Rock and Hip-Hop/R&B.

Eminem picked up where Ashanti left off with mirror awards for Favorite Artist and Album in Pop/Rock and Hip-Hop/R&B. But music’s bad boy didn’t even show to collect his four awards; instead, the artist had his 8 Mile costar Mekhi Phifer accept the Favorite Hip Hop/R&B Album award for him. “Hey y’all, this is Eminem on the phone!” said the actor as he carried a cell phone onstage.

It isn’t terribly wise to emphasize the fact that your show isn’t important enough for nominees to attend by showing video-taped acceptance speeches (Gibson) or having them call in on cell phones. And this nondescript foolishness has been around for 30 years.