Satire: Todd Akin Cries Out, “Oh No, I’m Not Pregnant!”

Missouri Senate candidate and member of the House Committee on Science, Space and Technology Todd Akin confessed to a startling reversal of his otherwise Pro-Life beliefs in the middle of a speech on the House floor, only to later attempt to take advantage of what he called his constitutional right to a sound medical procedure. “There are not enough heartless doctors being graduated from medical schools. There is a real shortage of abortionists. They’re performing abortions on women who aren’t even pregnant.”

Confused by his own rhetoric, Akin became agitated and tearfully concluded, “Oh no, I’m not pregnant, either!” and quickly exited the floor. He was followed by reporters to the Potomac Family Planning Center. Even though members of the media were not allowed in, it was clear other male members of Congress shared in Akin’s fear of the condition of not being pregnant as the line of men outside the center grew over the course of the day.

An hour later, a visibly shaken Akin emerged from the clinic doors and provided a few brief, but emotional comments about his experience. He said he was forced to sit in a cold room in a backless gown along with several other male patients to watch a four-minute Power Point Presentation graphically detailing the inner workings of man and why it is impossible for an abortion to be performed on men and those women who are not pregnant. “The images were just too much,” he said. “So much stuff in the human body, so much science. I just couldn’t look – and I have the right not to look! But I could still hear it all. It was so confusing. And it wasn’t just me. Some of the other guys broke down and cried. We all just wanted to get through this, you know?”

A staff member agreeing to speak on condition of anonymity said, “We assured him his condition of not being pregnant didn’t require medical action of any kind and that his presence in the clinic was a mockery of girls and women in dire circumstances, but he insisted, saying, ‘You keep telling me there’s nothing there, but how do you know? You’re just doctors. You’re not God. You’re not me!'” The staff member said Akin was escorted into a doctor’s office where a male nurse helped him cinch his gown back up, all the while using soothing tones in the hope of calming his very anxious charge. “There is something seriously wrong with that man, but we don’t handle those kinds of things here,” the staff member said.

When asked what, if any procedure he endured, Akin kept his head low and wrung his hands. “I feel this tremendous sense of loss. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to shake it. I’m filled with ‘what-ifs’. I will have to live with this for the rest of my life. The rest of my life.” In keeping with patient confidentiality, details of the procedure Akin didn’t get were not provided by the clinic.