This is Santa Claus. You may have heard of me or my work – you know, those presents under your tree this last year. I’m writing this in mid-February after getting tired of seeing ads at stores for Valentine’s Day specials.
I’m writing this year to negotiate; to resolve two issues I have, and then I will continue to deliver presents each year. Don’t negotiate with me and there will be no more ho, ho, ho-ing — only oh, oh, oh-ing.
Issue 1: Pay
Recently the elves and reindeer began to unionize and demanded more pay. As we dealt with this labor problem and pondered whether to bring in scabs, I realized something: I’m not getting paid.
No wonder I’m having trouble paying my employees each year, let alone bringing home enough bacon for Mrs. Claus. This operation is bleeding more money than the average dot.com.
I think someone owes me money. I don’t care if I’m paid by the UN, Ted Turner or Bill Gates — and I’m still kicking myself for leaving him that home computer and not buying Microsoft options later — so much as someone shares of the Xmas joy back with me via currency.
Issue 2: Temp work
I’ve noticed some of my help only comes in during the winter. They take other jobs the rest of the year. It got me thinking. Why can’t I work other jobs? Some say it’s a gift economy. I know gifts.
Maybe I can set up Santa.com and help pick people’s presents — not just Xmas, but also birthdays and Valentine’s Day. On the latter, the greeting card industry owes me big bucks for stealing that idea, which I wrote while playing reindeer games with Rudolph.
Think about my questions, please, and keep this is mind during the negotiation. This time, I’ll be the one counting the days.
Hi. This is Scott. Since your letter was sent, I’ve heard nothing about anyone helping. Because I’ve been a fan of your work for some time, I’ve tried to assist you.
Following is a proposal:
On issue 1, I have two options for you. One is a tentative agreement with malls across the world to charge a Santa tax. You would receive two percent sales tax from every Christmas-related purchase during the holidays.
Second, some scientists are fascinated with your historical residence in the North Pole and would gladly pay several million dollars for it. They have also offered to buy you a residence of even greater size somewhere else. How about Florida?
On issue two, I may have devised a way for you to make enough money so you don’t need a second job and can spend more time with your family. That Internet job might be a good hobby. Try to remember the advice many dot.coms forgot – profit good, losses bad.
On your behalf, I’ve filed a class-action suit with the greeting card industry. They are unfairly making a profit off your work. It’s time for them to pay. I have a tentative agreement. You get 20 percent of their profits.
Meanwhile, people who are not in relationships have filed a separate suit against the greeting card industry, arguing that Valentine’s Day forces them to either have fake intimacy or to feel negative emotions such as shame or guilt for being alone. These people have agreed to share 20 percent of the money won in the suit to thank you for not being as discriminating. As long as we leave you cookies and milk, you come, regardless of whether we’re single or in a relationship.
Between these suits, I think we can solve all your financial woes.
Your new secret, oversized elf,