Blu-ray Review: Wild Things – Foursome (Unrated Edition)

As soon as our overly-macho pink-skinned white hero declares, “It’s gonna be over before the sun hits the first layer of SPF,” you know you’ve just signed up for a dinner with one big-ass turkey. And, sure enough, Wild Things: Foursome is indeed a big-ass turkey. While most provocative, late-night-cable-type T&A movies are designed to leave the average straight male moaning on the couch with his pants undone, the turkey effect of Wild Things: Foursome leaves one moaning on the couch with one's pants undone in an agonizing, “Oh, my God, I consumed entirely too much turkey” post-holiday dinner kind of way. In fact, were it actually a real turkey, Wild Things: Foursome could successfully supply your entire family with Thanksgiving dinners for years to come.

Sadly, such is not the case. Instead, Wild Things: Foursome delivers some very predictable thrills and some of the most insincere performances this side of a Tim Allen movie.

Set in sunny Florida, Wild Things: Foursome brings us another sordid tale of sex and murder, with numerous twists thrown into the fray in order to try to keep its viewers awake. We begin with rich college douchebag Carson (played Ashley Parker Angel — yes, that’s his name) partying it up with his fiancée Rachel (Marnette Patterson) and all of their frat/sorority-house friends — much to the dismay of his dad (Cameron Daddo), who later winds up buying the farm in a mysterious racing accident. Shortly thereafter, Carson finds himself in hot water after allegedly raping co-ed Brandi (Jillian Murray). It’s all a rouse, of course, but seeing as how a mysterious death is on their hands, the local police have no alternative but to send in The Dukes Of Hazzard’s John Schneider (the only professional actor in this whole mess) to investigate.

In keeping up with the other unrelated entries in the Wild Things franchise, one scheme begins to surface after another through Schneider’s investigation. Now, had the film been written by competent writers, all of the twists and turns would seem very intricate and enthralling. In the case of Wild Things: Foursome, however, it just shows that the writers had no idea what they were doing. Couple that with the fact that this is another in a long line of direct-to-video turds from the quality control specialists at Stage 6 Films, and you’ve got another straight-to-DVD B-Movie full of bad acting, lousy writing, and a few ass shots.

Granted, I heart the sight of a woman’s ass. I really do. There are several restraining orders in effect in my community to prove it. When Wild Things: Foursome’s grand “here’s where we live up to our movie’s ‘Foursome’ subtitle” moment comes into play (wherein one lucky bastard gets to makes out with three bi-sexual college co-eds in the shower), there are numerous bare booties bouncing around all over the place. In fact, you’d think it would be a dream come true for an ass-lover like me.

Again, such is not the case, sadly. Truth be told, the aforementioned Foursome scene is that of a fleeting one — and for some unknown, inane reason, the foolish filmmakers behind Wild Things: Foursome actually choose to deliver more story than skin.

And this is the "Unrated Edition," mind you. What were they thinking?

Not only does Wild Things: Foursome fail to appease as a bona fine movie to begin with, but it also disappoints on an aesthetic level. Presented in a 1080p/MPEG-4 AVC transfer and a 1.85:1 widescreen ratio, Sony slaps the title onto a 25GB disc with one of the more lackluster presentations I’ve seen so far this year. While some colors stand out fairly well, others look like the hue was cranked up a bit too far. Grain is apparent on and off throughout the entire affair, while the detail level is none-too-impressive. Oddly enough, the audio end of the spectrum here is a tad-bit better. Wild Things: Foursome boasts a very loud English DTS-MA 5.1 lossless soundtrack that really makes the bass go boom and crackles the remaining speakers. Not that it’s good, but it’s certainly better than what you‘re looking at.

Fortunately, Sony‘s Blu-ray of Wild Things: Foursome offers no special features to bore you any further once the movie is over. There are a handful of trailers that are much more entertaining than the feature presentation itself, but overall, this is not a title anyone with an IQ over 70 would probably appreciate.

If only they had added more ass to the film…