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Blu-ray Review: Battleship

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What kind of movie do you get when you combine a $209 million budget with the storytelling skills of the average six-year-old? I guess quite a few movies could be the product of that scenario, but Battleship is definitely among them. This insultingly bad board game adaptation (that bears almost no connection to the game, despite being brought to us by Hasbro) sank like a stone in the wake of the juggernaut that was Marvel’s The Avengers. Maybe it would’ve grossed more than $65 million domestically had Universal saved it for late summer. However, a more strategically-timed release wouldn’t have made the movie itself any better.

The first sign of trouble comes early on, Battleships’s first half hour consists of nothing more than utterly disposable set-up, including a useless convenience store break-in and a lame soccer match. Lieutenant Alex Hopper (Taylor Kitsch) is a cocky, risk-taking Naval officer. His brother, Commander Stone Hopper (Alexander Skarsgård), is the responsible one between them. Alex is after Samantha (Brooklyn Decker), the daughter of his superior, Admiral Terrance Shane (Liam Neeson), who commands the USS John Paul Jones. Other fellow crew members of Alex’s include Cora (singer Rihanna, making her film debut), Ordy (Jesse Plemons), and Lynch (John Tui). After wasting our time introducing these cast members, assigning one character trait to each, the movie finally gets down to business.

Aliens, responding to a signal sent by NASA, travel light years to plunge into the Pacific Ocean near Hawaii. That’s exactly where the John Paul Jones, the USS Sampson (upon which Stone is commanding officer), and the Japanese destroyer My?k? all happen to be. They venture out to see what crashed into the ocean. Soon enough we’re watching the aliens fighting the ships. That’s pretty much what happens for the rest of the movie, hence my original reference to a six-year-old’s storytelling skills. Wouldn’t it be cool if the alien ships can launch huge metallic spheres that grind their way through everything in sight and are basically unstoppable? What if the Navy had to plot where exactly they were going to fire shots using a grid, like from the Battleship board game? And maybe Liam Neeson should pop up every once in a while!

Things take an outrageous turn in the third act, too stupid to even laugh at, when a bunch of Navy old-timers band together to take a decommissioned battleship, the USS Missouri, to face the aliens head on. I’m not going to say how they fare, but suffice it to say that the old sea dogs still have considerable bite to match their bark. Yes, they do show these retired Navy men early on during a ceremony (pre-alien invasion), but that’s it. The filmmakers apparently expected us to rah-rah our heads off when these guys decide to join the fight, but it’s moronic actually. And if you’re interested in this for Liam Neeson, keep in mind that his role barely goes beyond that of an expanded cameo.

At least Brookyn Decker looks great as Samantha, a physical therapist who works with amputees and is the object of Alex’s affection. The movie is aggressively PG-13 (two separate characters say “motherfucker,” but are cut off after the first three syllables), so don’t expect any heat involving Decker. But she still provides some eye candy in a movie populated by dullards (don’t even get me started on Rihanna’s “acting”). The other highlight in the film is the man we see her working with most, Lieutenant Colonel Mick Canales. Canales is portrayed by real-life active-duty Colonel Gregory D. Gadson. Colonel Gadson is a decorated Army combat veteran who also happens to be a double amputee. He displays real charisma and passion in his film debut.

About The Other Chad

Hi, I'm Chaz Lipp. An old co-worker of mine thought my name was Chad. Since we had two Chads working there at the time, I was "The Other Chad."
  • robert

    Wow, you wrote a really really lenghthy pharagraph just to void your guts of a lot of hate for a movie and the people involved in it! You are aware that never pretended to be more than a popcorn fest,don’t you?, dude you sound so depressed, get some help ASAP LOL

  • Glenn Contrarian

    Being a retired Navy engineer and having some idea of what it would take to bring a decommed battleship back on line, I couldn’t force myself to go see the movie. I knew I’d sit there silently raging at the idiocy, particularly at whoever the “Navy technical adviser” was who said, yeah, it wouldn’t take long to get a decommed ship back at sea. For anyone who might want to know, it would take a minimum of six months for a capital ship like a battleship, and even more for a carrier. Maybe it would only take a month or so for a destroyer, and with a truly herculean effort (and tossing safety and engineering regs out the window), a couple of weeks for a frigate.

    When a movie tosses common historical sense out the window, unless it’s a Mel Brooks kind of movie, I won’t spend a dime on it. It’s just like the latest Robin Hood movie where some invaders used a medieval equivalent of landing craft – complete with forward-falling platforms – to come across the English Channel and invade England. Um, no, I’m not going to waste my dollars watching that! 300‘s historical inaccuracy wasn’t quite as bad, but the testosterone flowing through the movie more than made up for it.

  • missy

    You know what I dont go to the movies to see only realistic “could happen” movies. Generally I tend to go have fun. While you thought the movie was juvenile, I found it entertaining and yet if you “think” into it you can learn a lesson. Try this out, no matter how much technology is developed and used, if you educate yourself to old ways you might just beat technology when you need to. I enjoyed it and that is why I go to the movies. Maybe you should just sit at home and watch the news since that is what you want to see on the big screen.

  • Jade

    @robert @missy – It is possible to like popcorn movies and still think this movie sucked. I certainly did. This movie was a big waste of time – and I’m happy to watch a GOOD action movie – this wasn’t. I’m glad you liked it, but that doesn’t people people who didn’t (and that’s a lot of people) hate having a good time.

  • http://www.cinemalowdown.com/ The Other Chad

    Robert – per your recommendation, I have booked an appointment with a therapist. Depression is a serious issue and hopefully, with the help of a professional, I can work through my issues involving this movie. Friends and family have been telling me ever since it was released three months ago that I needed help – funny how that final push can sometimes come from a stranger.

    I know I’ve got a long road ahead of me, but should the therapy prove successful I will follow-up with a glowing review of what I hope to someday view as Peter Berg’s masterpiece.