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Western Crisis Intervention Needed

Current sparks of Islamic violence across the globe in feverish protest over a handful of stupid cartoons hammer home once again the reality that these guys need to find a hobby or something to distract them from a sense of aggrievement that always seems to be at near-boil.

And if the depiction in satirical drawings of the Prophet Mohammed can generate indignation of this kind, imagine what that says about the offended’s ability to handle the marketplace of ideas that comes with democracy.

Maybe these ideologues are just too damaged to appreciate the splendid soil of free speech and artistic expression, which yields a marvelous bouquet of flowers, inevitably including some we don’t like. Perhaps they need a thousand more years of race wars, interfighting, superstition, clannish paranoia, xenophobia and oppression to break the cycle of violence.

Or, maybe Oprah and Dr. Phil can lead a televised intervention to make them see what a bunch of homicidal, suicidal, misogynistic brain-cramped retards they are.

I can see it now:

Dr. Phil: “Now people of Islam – you need to look in the mirror and ask yourself, ‘Self, do I like the direction I am heading in? Is this where I want to be? A bomb strapped to my chest about to blow up a cafe full of people enjoying a latte and some crumb cake?’ Because I have to tell you, you look totally ridiculous.”

Oprah: “You tell ’em Dr. Phil.”

Dr. Phil: “The world doesn’t like you. It doesn’t like you blowing people and things up, draping your women in drab cloth, and it certainly doesn’t like this sneaking around making weapons of mass destruction nonsense. That kind of selfish, careless behavior really pisses people off. And it makes Dr. Phil angry. You may not realize it, but people have noticed and they want to see some changes. Now what are you going to do to turn this ship of fools around?”

Okay, maybe I can’t see it, but you get my point. At what stage will these people wake up and smell the 21st century? It is totally uncool to just start throwing rocks, burning buildings, crushing humans in swells of madness. Jesus is dead, Mohammed is dead, Elvis is dead and dammit, so is Jim Morrison, but you don’t see me stoning passersby when Oliver Stone makes a crappy movie about it do you?

No – and you want to know why? Because life is a gift and some stupid pictures of a prophet, and a sketchy prophet at that, just isn’t that important.

Christianity had its violent past. I am aware that many have been killed and maimed in the name of Christ. But jeez, that was before radio, television, internets, and U2 existed. The times they are a-changing and they were a-changing like a thousand years ago. Enough already, because you now have OUR attention and we think you look really goofy in your man-dresses shaking your fists in the air, shooting off automatic weapons like the bullets don’t ever come down – they do.

Gosh, even China’s gotten with the program to a certain extent. What? Do you want to be the last civilization left doing the dumbass dance? Talk about stigma and shame.

Get it together. Your fashion sense stinks, oppressing women is passé, and fear of Western culture is so totally 20th century, man. Light up the hookahs, pass the moussaka and get with the program.

We’re rooting for you.

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