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Sexplosion!

Network TV seems to be an endless sluice of ever more base “reality shows” (quotation marks because these shows are just as staged as Touched by an Angel and a whole lot less honest about it) in a race to the bottom of the unlit basement of human nature, many involving unnatural “relationships” that reverse the arrow of history. We made a big stink about the forthcoming Fox arranged marriage show, Married By America, which somehow turned into a free-for-all on Islamic fundamentalism and other charmingly antiquated practices.

Well now ABC has come up with the perfect parallel to the arranged marriage – the search for the sexiest human in America:

    Hotties of the world, unite: ABC is looking to crown a king or queen of comeliness via a new reality series bluntly titled “Are You Hot?”

    The network will launch a nationwide “American Idol”-like search for the sexiest person in America, with a group of tart-tongued judges passing Simon Cowell-esque judgments on folks who think they’re all that and a bag of Baked Lays.

    ABC has ordered six episodes of “Hot” from gonzo reality producer Mike Fleiss (“The Bachelor”). They will likely will bow early next year.

    The series will begin with four episodes in which wannabes from each region of the country compete to become one of 40 quarterfinalists, divided equally between men and women. Viewers will play a part in picking the 16 semifinalists who will fly to Los Angeles to take part in a series of pageant-like competitions as well as makeover treatments. The finale of “Hot” will feature the person deemed “sexiest in America” via viewer calls.

    ABC reality chief Andrea Wong said “Hot” will capitalize on the nation’s obsession with rating the looks and fashions of celebs and other public figures.

    “Everybody has different ideas about who’s hot or who’s sexy,” she said. “You debate it endlessly with your friends, and magazines do it with ‘Sexiest People’ issues. So we figured, why not do a TV show about it and let America vote?”

    ABC and Fleiss are making no bones about the lack of intellectual or creative stimuli involved in “Hot.” To that end, it’s no surprise that skimpy swimsuits definitely will be a part of the equation, Fleiss said.

I think they should do it right, take it to cable, and wear nothing at all. Then you’ll know who is REALLY sexy: nothing stuffed when there is nowhere to stuff it.

I also like the part about “no pretense to intellectualism here,” as if American Idol 2 will be manned by Mensa members. No undemocratic inequalites like “talent” to muddy the water, just the pure, unadulterated display of sex appeal.

With almost 300 million people to choose from, I shudder to think what a concentrated ball of sizzling hormonal potency the single sexiest person in America would be – I would think the cameras would explode and the TVs melt in swooning sympathy. Good God y’all.

Now if the networks can find common ground, at the last moment the sexiest human in America can burst through the door of Married By America and break up the new happy couple, kind of like Julia Roberts does.

About Eric Olsen

Career media professional and serial entrepreneur Eric Olsen flung himself into the paranormal world in 2012, creating the America's Most Haunted brand and co-authoring the award-winning America's Most Haunted book, published by Berkley/Penguin in Sept, 2014. Olsen is co-host of the nationally syndicated broadcast and Internet radio talk show After Hours AM; his entertaining and informative America's Most Haunted website and social media outlets are must-reads: Twitter@amhaunted, Facebook.com/amhaunted, Pinterest America's Most Haunted. Olsen is also guitarist/singer for popular and wildly eclectic Cleveland cover band The Props.

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