“Scientology is Gay” – Or At Least, Really, Really Sensitive

This is the fruitiest story to go down in celebrity annals in some time. According to the world's most prolific and omnipresent celebrity website TMZ, indie film director John Roecker caused outrage, shock and horror when he donned a piece of anti-Scientology apparel while walking in L.A. last weekend.

The fashion piece in question is a self-created shirt that has a picture of Tom Cruise on the front with the caption "Scientology is Gay," and the disco-era visage of John Travolta on the back boldly captioned "VERY GAY!"

It's actually a pretty cool shirt, unless you are an ultra-sensitive, slightly mental, obsessive follower of the highly-questionable, alien-loving religion Scientology. 

The expressive piece of fabric used to cover Roecker's man-boobs was too much for Jenna and Bodhi Elfman to endure. After eyeing the offensive message, the Elfmans hurled vile canards at the director. According to Roecker, he was strolling with a friend when a "shirtless man and a tall blonde" approached him yelling indignantly, "Hey, man, you're making fun of my religion."

Roecker immediately recognized the couple and apparently engaged in some playful banter, invoking the sacrosanct "story of Xenu" to the couple. Wikipedia offers a brief summary of the tale:

In Scientology doctrine, Xenu (also Xemu) is an alien ruler of the "Galactic Confederacy" who, 75 million years ago, brought billions of people to Earth, stacked them around volcanoes and blew them up with hydrogen bombs. Their souls then clustered together and stuck to the bodies of the living, and continue to wreak chaos and havoc today.

These events are known to Scientologists as "Incident II," and the traumatic memories associated with them as The Wall of Fire or the R6 implant. The story of Xenu is part of a much wider range of Scientology beliefs in extraterrestrial civilizations and alien interventions in Earthly events, collectively described as space opera by L. Ron Hubbard, science fiction writer and founder of Scientology.

I actually feel dumber having read that.

Roecker also notes that during the aural assault, the Elfmans instructed a young man in his "twenties" accompanying them to "move away and cover his ears" whenever Xenu was mentioned.

Sweet Jesus, these people are totally out of this world.

Much to the dismay of innocent passersby, Jenna also repeatedly said "What crimes have you committed?" and began screaming at Roecker, "Have you raped a baby?"

Wow, that's kind of off the topic of bizarre religion, but who knows what goes on within the hallowed halls of Scientology. Perhaps she was giving him a pre-interview to determine his eligibility for the selective and expensive religion.

Since there are always two sides to every story, the Elfmans, not wanting to miss an opportunity to defend their goofy religion, issued their own statement on said events through their rep, Jenni Weinman:

"He [Bodhi] was out for a Sunday stroll with his wife [Jenna], when some guy walks by with a t-shirt on, very prominently attacking his religion. Words were extended and Bodhi and Jenna were personally attacked for their beliefs. As they went about their business, the guy continued to try to illicit [sic] negative responses from the both of them. As they walked away, he continued to scream propaganda and hate at them. Apparently he spent all Monday calling the press to promote himself."

Hmmm… that's two sides of a story all right.

I am going to err on the side of Roecker in this case, as the stories of Scientologists getting their thongs all bunched up are too numerous to ignore. The most glaring example is the fervent defense to Scientology put up by the supposedly "gay" man himself, Tom Cruise, the most famous un-official spokesperson for the religion.

Highlights of his struggle and subsequent failures to project Scientology in the best possible light have been summarized thoroughly here on Blogcritics, but for those of you new to the subject due to living under a rock on Mars, I will give a brief rundown.

Scientology has been the underlying cause of all Cruise's past failed relationships, including his brief marriage to Mimi Rogers, ten-year marriage to Nicole Kidman and two plus-year relationship with Penelope Cruz – all of whom refused to be indoctrinated into the "religion." Most bizarre is his current union with Katie Holmes, which was fraught with controversy before they were ever an item, as she disappeared for 13 days, whereabouts unknown, only to re-emerge seemingly brainwashed and newly anointed as a Scientologist.

Suddenly, the former B-lister Holmes, formerly a devout Catholic from Toledo, was now perfect for Tom Cruise and they began their public courtship, including his infamous "couch-hopping" incident on Oprah.

It seems this change of religious heart by Holmes was just what the L. Ron ordered, as Cruise has since blessed her with his sacred seed and the Katie-pod gave birth to daughter Suri on April 18, 2006.

We all hold our breaths for the wedding date.

Cruise also can proudly claim that his former practicing-Catholic sisters are all now heavily involved in the Church of Scientology; and in a supreme triumph, their mother was finally browbeaten into seeing the light of Xenu in 2004.

Even if Scientology is the way to fame, success, wealth and freedom from maladies requiring medication, one thing is for certain, the Church of Scientology is definitely the most insecure of all religions.