Satire: Who’s In The News

News You Could've Used

In news we could've used a lot sooner, Charles Stuart Platkin, author of The Diet Detective's Count Down and a personal trainer, advocates the Catholic church approach to alleviating those holiday overindulgences: Now that you've sinned yourself sick, step into the confessional. On the left you'll see a treadmill, and on the right is a bran bar.

Charles joins the ranks of all the other make-money-regurgitating-the-same-old-information diet gurus when he says the key to losing those holiday pounds is to look ahead and find the less caloric alternatives you can live with over the long haul. If we were the kind of people to look ahead, Charles, we wouldn't be reading articles that suggest we look ahead.

Anyone who already exercises regularly and is on a healthy diet knows it makes little difference what you eat over the holidays as long as you stop eating like that after the holidays. There. That's an idea that really works and it didn't cost you $30.00 to read it.

This Just Not In

Supermodel Kate Moss did not marry Pete Doherty of Babyshambles. There was no candlelight, no Buddhist ceremony for Kate and Pete in Thailand, and they didn't do anything worth reporting on the Thai resort of Phuket Island. They did not spend wedded bliss in a luxury resort with a private swimming pool and $6,000 was not spent for the couple's five-bedroom villa because there was no "expression of the couple’s mutual devotion."

These photos are courtesy of those who brought you the Kate-Pete story, British newspapers The Sun and the The Daily Mirror. You can't see the photos because they aren't real, either.

Film At 11 — Or Whenever You Download It

The government of Iraq wants to know who taunted Saddam Hussein moments before he was executed. A cell phone was used to record the final moments of Saddam's life. The video made its way to the Internet later the same day. During the audio portion of the video, someone could be clearly heard chanting, "Hey batter, batter, batter, hey batter, batter, batter — Swing!"

The nature of the taunt is thought to refer to Muqtada al-Sadr, a primary supporter of Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki, the Shiite leader who pushed for a quick execution of Saddam. Al-Sadr is a radical Shiite cleric and an aspiring baseball player. He's not a strong hitter, but man, can that guy pitch.

And finally…

News You Wood Use

Detroit resident, Ronald A Dotson, aged 39, is in big trouble now. He's been letting his fetish for coquettishly dressed mannequins get the best of him. The trouble is, he waits until the stores are closed. Six times-convicted Dotson has been smashing windows to get at his darlings for as many years. He's being charged as an habitual offender. (Too many jokes, not enough Internet space.)

After minor surgery to treat multiple cuts Dotson received in the course of his latest break-in, it was discovered that Dotson is himself a mannequin. An extensive records search confirms that "Dotson" was an alias for the man now known as "Pinocchio." His father, an Italian immigrant and woodcarver, could not be reached for comment.

Charges of lewd conduct and indecent exposure have been dropped pending further investigation.