Thursday , May 30 2024
Satire Alert! Asked to comment, Cruise did what he should not do: He commented.

Satire: Tom Cruise Comes Clean

Cruise: Blower of Hot Air?

In a stunning development Tuesday has-been crazed actor Tom Cruise claimed that he was the true source of the leaks involving FBI covert agent Valerie Plame.
Cruise said he gave the information not only to Time’s Matthew Cooper, New York Times’ Judith Miller, Blowhards-R-Us columnist Robert Novak but also to Oprah, Entertainment Tonight, and Scientology Today.

The leaking was part of Cruise’s crusade against anyone doing anything he disagrees with, which has made him the source of countless jokes, none of which he seems to get.

Asked to comment, Cruise did what he should not do: He commented.

“You don’t know anything about the history of journalism, psychology, or my life!” Cruise shouted. “You can’t handle the truth!”

Told this writer not only knows about his life, but wishes he could take back some of the images he has seen at sites like TVgasm of Cruise humping the couch with Oprah looking on, Cruise replied, “Shut up! Shut up or I’ll make my friends in Scientology – which is not evil or bad or weird – make your life as hellish as possible.”

Asked if he could send Nicole Kidman over instead, Cruise just sighed and spoke about his true love for Katie Holmes.

Cruise said he leaked Plame’s name because he was worried the war on terrorism would hurt his cult, er, Scientology so he worked with fellow Scientologist Karl Rove to take actions they considered justified.

He didn’t see what all the fuss was about regarding Plame being outed as a CIA employee since he was going to get her a job on the next Mission Impossible movie.

Asked how he would like to be outed himself, Cruise seemed genuinely confused. “Outed? Me? Whatever do you mean?”

Asked for comment Karl Rove said he only comments through the fiction written by Robert Novak and Judith Miller.

Feel free to share this if you like it, just as long as you give me credit and/or a link. I’m starting to like not having to write factually anymore. – Scott “Scoop” Butki

About Scott Butki

Scott Butki was a newspaper reporter for more than 10 years before making a career change into education... then into special education. He has been working in mental health for the last ten years. He lives in Austin. He reads at least 50 books a year and has about 15 author interviews each year and, yes, unlike tv hosts he actually reads each one. He is an in-house media critic, a recovering Tetris addict and a proud uncle. He has written articles on practically all topics from zoos to apples and almost everything in between.

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