The Republican National Committee (RNC) has come up with the ultimate group hug that is sure to unite the divided, knock moderates off the fence, and embrace the fallen in a jovial, frat boy-like headlock. In the midst of this difficult economic time, the RNC is happy to bestow big, fat piles of cash into the accounts of those public officials and candidates who have subscribed to and promise to adhere to at least eight of their ten policy positions for the 2010 election cycle. RNC Memo: What you do after 2010 or don’t get caught doing until then is your own business since you’ll already have our money.
Read it and Reap:
(1) We support firing (or hiring some unemployed schmucks to “hurt”) everyone in the government that opposes us, eliminating all social programs and thus paying lower taxes, and any bill with the word “stimulus” in it unless it refers to one of us being on the receiving end of something sweet and nasty;
(2) We support corporate-driven health care reform, specifically those corporations that currently have our lips in their back pockets and have potentially career-ending dirt on us, and oppose everyone else not having to pay an arm and a leg and out the ass for health insurance and/or medical bills;
(3) We support pollution in all its glory as long as it doesn’t end up in our backyards;
(4) We support workers’ rights to work for us;
(5) We support anyone willing to vandalize and/or destroy the bronze plaque bearing, "The New Colossus" on the Statue of Liberty;
(6) We support victory in Iraq and Afghanistan by supporting military-recommended troop surges unless Obama supports the same in which case we support spinning his support of military recommendations into something else entirely, like a dream catcher or a couple of potholders;
(7) We support invasions of Iran and North Korea and taking possession of their nuclear weapons;
(8) We support hiding our fetishes and extramarital and/or homosexual affairs behind the Defense of Marriage Act;
(9) We support protecting the lives of vulnerable persons we personally know and love and oppose health care rationing and denial of health care unless it involves a procedure that would expose our fetishes and extramarital and/or homosexual affairs.
(10) We support the right to arm both current and future criminals.
The resolution will be voted on during the criminally brutal cold of the RNC Winter Meeting in Hawaii.