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Interviewed sources cite history when justifying a ban on gay military personnel.

Satire: Spokespersons Say Military Not Ready for Diversity

Dismissing pleas of retired military generals and admirals to repeal the incomplete sentence that is law, “Don’t ask, don’t tell,” gainfully employed military spokespersons remain opposed to gays serving openly in the military, citing “sexual tension” and “disruptions to good order, morale, discipline and unit cohesion.”

Speaking on condition of anonymity, Elaine O’Honey of the Center for Military Readiness and Army Sergeant Major Brian Cojones pointed to history’s precedents, saying the introduction of non-whites and women into the military has already chiseled away enough at our national pride and mission readiness, and that allowing gays would effectively remove the cornerstone of the great institution that is the United States’ military.

In an interview that quite possibly ended in violence, Brian became visibly agitated when he was told gays already serve — even though they’re not allowed to do so openly without threat of discharge.

Brian: “That is a lie. Saruman the White has ever been our heterosexual friend and ally.”

Interviewer: What?

Brian: Forget it. Listen, it’s an issue of how much bathroom counter space the military can reasonably afford every service member and still maintain good order, morale, discipline, and unit cohesion. We’ve already used up too much counter space letting in blacks and women. It’s a fact that whites use sunscreen and blacks use lotion. That’s twice as much space for no good reason. It’s a fact that women also use moisturizer and makeup remover. There went the rest of the available space. Now gays? They spend more money on beauty supplies than men and women combined.

Interviewer: Gays are men and women.

Brian: Whatever. Where are we supposed to put all that product?

Interviewer: Is counter space really an issue in combat?

Elaine: If I may, what Brian is trying to say is that we’ve already compromised our mission readiness enough by allowing serious deviations in our recruit criteria. Black soldiers have been making fun of the way white soldiers dance for years. Latinos haven’t helped matters. By the time they get into battle, the rhythm of our core soldiery is off kilter.

And as a woman, I can tell you it is unreasonable to expect men to control themselves around us, as evidenced by the number of times our guys have been hauled to the brig for “conduct unbecoming.”

Interviewer: But isn’t sexual assault a crime of hate and anger rather than behavior motivated by sexual urges?

Elaine: No.

Interviewer: So you’re saying that because you think men can’t control themselves around women, they should not also be expected to control themselves around gay men?
Elaine: Or gay women. And gays cannot control themselves around anyone at all. Only straight women can control themselves.

Interviewer: So Brian, I have a report here that 104 retired military generals and admirals have called for an end to the military’s “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. What is your response?

Brian:
Do the math. One hundred and four men divided by two is fifty-two couples who, after being rightly discharged from the military, found some downtime between protests of Proposition Eight to fire off a letter.

Interviewer: They weren’t discharged. They’re retired.

Brian:
Exactly. Everyone knows that once you retire from the military, you move to the bottom of every list, including the list of people whose opinions we give a crap about.

Interviewer: But how is this evidence that any of the retired brass are gay?

Brian:
You know what ‘brass’ is? Something gays use in their redecorating projects. Enough said.

Interviewer: So, in summary, would both of you say your position is that we should not only ban gay personnel, but also all non-white, non-male persons from the military?

Brian: I believe it was Thomas Jefferson who said of gays in the military, “There is nothing I would not sacrifice to a practicable plan of abolishing every vestige of this moral and political depravity."

Interviewer: He was talking about slavery.

Brian: You mean ‘gayvery’.

And that’s when the interview quite possibly ended in violence.

About Diana Hartman

Diana is a USMC (ret.) spouse, mother of three and a Wichita, Kansas native. She is back in the United States after 10 years in Germany. She is a contributing author to Holiday Writes. She hates liver & motivational speakers. She loves science & naps.

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