The White House has announced that illusionist David Copperfield secretly and voluntarily enlisted in the United States Marine Corps. Meritoriously-promoted Lance Corporal Copperfield has graduated from MCRD Parris Island and will soon deploy with Camp Lejeune-based 2nd Recon.
The unit's top-secret mission will be to solicit the attention and attendance of insurgents in a given area of combat. Once the insurgents are lured, Copperfield will make the Marines disappear. When the insurgents are adequately befuddled, the Marines will commence firing.
After the initial mission has taken place, the tactics will change because it is assumed word will spread to remaining insurgents that disappearing Marines must be avoided. Details about the change in strategy have not yet been released, but unidentified White House sources have disclosed the possibility of Copperfield turning U.S. military strongholds into mosques and Marines into virgins.
Copperfield, who successfully convinced millions into thinking he’d made the Statue of Liberty disappear, was said to have expressed doubt about being able to create the illusion of something as far-fetched as a virginal Marine.
Earlier today, United States Secretary of Defense Robert Gates formally denied rumors that any U.S. military leader or servicemember is currently training with Copperfield in an eventual effort to make President Bush and Vice President Cheney disappear long enough to get the operations in Iraq and Afghanistan moving along in a way more befitting the military standard.
In a video press conference held shortly after his graduation from boot camp, Copperfield warned that his illusions, when conducted by inadequately trained personnel, run the risk of becoming real and permanent.