Porn Mining – Searching for the Motherlode

I have been assigned the odious task of searching our IP logs for inappropriate internet content at work, a task I did not ask for, would rather not have, but for which I seem to have an inherent knack.

By odd coincidence, on the very day we set out to do a random search just for the sheer heck of it, we found a bounty of porny goodness. The first task was to take these onerous and eye-glazing log files and put them into a format in which seaching for said “adult content” could be made a bit easier.

Imagine searching a ten-thousand page text file scrambled with numbers, characters, letters, dates, times, lines, bleeps, bloops and fanciful farts and make sense of it? It’s enough to make you suffer blinding white light headaches, the kind of nausea that only a perfect storm on a four-foot by four-foot dingy could cause. I joke not here.

Finally, after various methods we were able to import this data into a sortable form (using a deliminated file format for you database geeks) and my former EDI skills were finally put to good use.

Miles and miles of cnn.com, aol.com, google.com, ebay.com, blogcritics.org (my IP logs of course) interspersed with every imaginable shopping site, on-line gambling, news outlet and mom-and-pop site on the planet, we struck gold with the likes of sites called (allow me to paraphrase here as I didn’t commit to memory and it really doesn’t matter as there is an endless sea of grotesque porn from which to choose) dirtyf-ingwhore.com, scatlovingfreaks.net, hairybitchesfrombehind, bigfatblackcocks.com – not to be outdone by – averagesizedwhitedudes.org and of course, smallerthanaverageasians.nu, you get the gist, or in the case of porn, the gizzzz.

So, even as we patted ourselves on the back for striking the motherlode of inappropriate material being viewed via company resources, we were also deeply reluctant to know “who” would be so stupid and so “ewww” to be doing this at work.

As it turns out, it wasn’t a staff member but an outsider being paid to do some work for us. Even better, people charging us $100’s an hour to surf for hotwetbitches.com all day.

Needless to say, this was halted immediately and the perpetrators were summarily and appropriately punished for said crimes against humanity.

But what struck me about all of this is how pointless porn really is.

This guy was in a room with two other individuals looking at this crap ALL DAY LONG (generating a three-hundred page report on just his one-day porn activities). It’s not like he could luxuriate in his skivvies and enjoy the porn to its fullest. It was titillation without satisfaction (unless of course he retired to the restroom.)

I shudder to think.

And who are the numbskulls who come up with the names of these sites?

Who enjoys porn? What is the purpose? I wonder how long until the government commissions a study on the number of hours wasted on this fruitless pursuit?

Don’t get me wrong, I am not against pornography as an art, but this isn’t art, this is naked hootches and dongs being splashed across the screen, which is both grotesque and rather silly if you ask me.

Give me a good Jackie Collins book and call me titillated, AND gainfully employed.