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Poptarts painting town nightly.

Paris Hilton and Britney Spears Create Two-Headed Monster, “Sparis”

In case you have been living in a cave, or better yet, don’t follow celebrity news, an ungodly union has emerged the likes of which hasn’t been seen since Hitler and Mussolini. Prepare the garlic, silver bullets, holy water, and someone get Van Helsing on the horn: Britney Spears has joined forces with, *gag* *cough*, Paris Hilton.

To preserve balance in the universe, somewhere a force of vast intelligence, refinement and chastity must have accumulated to fill the void that was created when these two witless icons of skankitude came together. Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting And someday, if we pray hard enough and long enough, the seal will be broken and the angels of death and destruction will swoop down and save us all as they ravage and feed on the evil “Sparis” (spare-us), leaving behind only an entwined, withered, STD-ravaged, two-headed carcass with nary a brain betwixt them. Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Whew! Seriously, it’s hard to imagine a stranger combination. But, lest we think this pairing is as contrived and ill conceived as her two-year marriage to back-up dancer turned failed rapper, Kevin Federline, think again. While the manufactured flaxen duo may be short on brainpower, there’s enough raw ambition, sheer audacity, and hard cash to keep this train wreck a rollin’ until the cows come home, so to speak.

We can only speculate what spawned this union, but it would seem Britney’s recent separation and plea for divorce from husband K-Fed, and a desire to reclaim her pop princess status, are at the heart of it from her end. Spears, who filed for divorce on November 7, a mere three weeks ago, has yet to settle the matter of custody of their two K-Fed spawn, Sean Preston, one, and two-month-old Jayden, but both are asking for custodial rights, with visitation rights for the other.

Luckily for Britney, an iron-clad pre-nup is in place guaranteeing that baby-daddy Fedster will be dumpster-diving for dinner post-haste as his new CD, Playing With Fire, isn’t burning up the charts. To date, he has sold a whopping 2,000 copies of the disc, and has been forced to give tickets away to his shows.

Anyways, enough about that loser, the real show here is Britney, who has been on a fast track of self-discovery and rejuvenation. Not only did she drop 180 pounds of dead weight, present at the AMA’s, and do Late Night With David Lettermen, but she has managed to present her lady parts in what is possibly the most drawn out strip tease on record. Day one we are shown the glaringly white panties, day two something that can only be described as flesh colored panties or weird folds of skin; and finally day three, Britney gives us what we have all been waiting for: full on beaver action. The only thing left is an electroscopic examination of her birth canal and womb tour. Girlfriend needs attention – STAT

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting What has caused the once beloved junior diva to lose her ever-loving mind and whore it up D-list style? Paris, obviously! Who better to usher you from the metaphorical Malibu trailer park to the current rage of invisible underwear for poptarts?

One has to wonder what Paris’ ulterior motive must be. And trust us, she has one.

According to Paris’ spokesperson, the enigmatically spoken Elliot Mintz, it’s all for the betterment of Britney. Mintz tells TMZ that the two are “really forming a bond” as Paris introduces Britney to the Los Angeles party scene. Mintz adds that Britney “looks up” to Paris, who is a year older than she is, and is “extremely grateful” that Paris is looking after her. This includes staying at Spears’ Malibu house and helping her look after her two sons.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting Speaking of which, how can all of this partying and image deterioration be helping her children, who are quite young and in need of their mother? Two-month-olds don’t take care of themselves, y’all. And surely no one can think that Paris is a good daddy figure for the tykes.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting What about Britney’s big musical comeback? According to recent reports, Britney’s label Jive Records isn’t happy about her late night partying, which according to a source is the reason she “has been missing recent recording sessions.” The article also quotes a source saying that instead of tripping the light fantastic in LA, Spears was “supposed to be at the Marlin Hotel in Miami recording with Pharrell Williams.”

The Neptune’s Williams is less than pleased about having his time wasted. “He is a very busy man in the music industry and doesn’t have time to be messed around like this.” Not to mention Pharrell even had some cupcakes delivered to the recording studio as a little gift to Brit, but Nitwit Brit must’ve forgotten and never showed up.

A once famed multi-tasker, Britney seems to have lost her touch, and she just can’t handle the midnight feedings, slippery nipples, and career all at once. She’s even bailed on her commitment to host the Billboard Music Awards with her new drinking buddy Paris, giving no reason and leaving her pal alone to host the show. Whoa, someone better tell Britney that diapers and formula don’t pay for themselves.

We aren’t all heiresses with trust funds to fall back on – and she better not be counting on K-Fed for support yo – ‘cuz that ho-rida done emptied the cupboards and skipped town.

All kidding aside, Britney’s fans and caring celebrities alike are concerned for Britney and the well-being of her kiddles. Outspoken mother and talk show host Rosie O’Donnell has suggested an end to the chaos, stating, “We don’t want Britney hanging out with Paris… Britney… stay at home with the kids.”

We can certainly understand Britney’s need for release after being holed up and pregnant for the last two years, but slow down, dear, moderation is the key to all good things.

About Dawn Olsen

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