There are a lot of parents who tried to impart pearls of wisdom to their children before they flew from the nest for college, marriage, or what they thought for sure would be unconditional freedom. As a public service, some of those same pearls are imparted here in hopes that a few of those grown children will read them now as believable, useful pieces of information (if only because someone other than their parent said it).
- Don't pick up sharp, metal objects. There is nothing on this planet that cannot be opened, prodded, jimmied, or moved with something other than a sharp, metal object. Stuff getting stuck in the toaster doesn't mean you need a knife. It means you're putting things in there the wrong way or that are too big for a toaster. Get a toaster oven.
Better yet, be cool, stay in school, and get an education that will reap much career dough so you can hire someone to cook for you since, clearly, you've got the smarts for (whatever your talent is) but possess zero aptitude for cutlery and small appliances.
- Don't mix anything with bleach except water. I don't care what the instructions say — rather, I don't care what your sibling/friend/mother-in-law told you the instructions said. Clorox now makes bleach pens for small stains, and stain removal products for non-whites have been on the market for years.
Have you been to a white sale? No, you haven't. Therefore, you have no need for putting liquid bleach in a washer load. If you have that many things requiring that much bleaching, you might want to take a long, hard look at your behavior instead of focusing on cleaning up what happens when you behave that way.
• To this end, buy darker, solid-colored bedding. These can be washed in cold (look at that electric meter whiz 'round with the hot cycle!) and easily dressed up with a colorful comforter, a summer quilt, and/or a well-placed throw pillow. Take comforters, quilts, and pillows to the cleaners.
If you've asked, "Why to the cleaners?" please refer to your baby book. Go to the back where loose pictures are kept. There you may find a photo taken of the washer walking away from the wall. It was thrown off balance by someone having loaded one very heavy item into it — say, a summer quilt.
Keep looking and you might find a picture of the hose that was pulled out of place by the walking washer, thus spewing wash water all over the seven loads of laundry your mother did that day. Look once more for a picture taken another day, this one of the not-quite-closed washer lid atop an overstuffed washer. It may look something like this photo (right) from my own album.
• Sit the hell down! Now breathe! No good ever came from panic, rage, or frustration. Remember what Winnie the Pooh said, "There is no hurry. We shall get there."
• You did not just win $1,000,000, €1,000,000 or £1,000,000. I don't care what your mail, email, text messages, or phone messages say. In that same vein, pyramid schemes come in many shapes, no one has tapped into your non-existent Wells-Fargo account and no one is going to pay you to transfer large amounts of money.
• Eat a lot of fresh, steamed, or baked fruits and vegetables. Do you want to get scurvy? You don't even know what that is, do you? That's because you don't listen!
• Just because you didn't get hurt the first 400 times you went skateboarding/bicycling/racing cars/etc without proper safety equipment doesn't mean you're free from harm. It means you're due for harm.
And don't come crying to me when it happens because I won't be here. I'll probably already be in the emergency room waiting for the amublance to arrive so I can make sure you're okay and then lecture you all the way to the room where they will keep you for "observation" (read: away from the crazy lady who smacked the kid with the broken patella and dislocated shoulder).
• Do not throw water on a grease fire. Cover it. Always cover it. Did you hear me? Cover it! What are you frying, anyway? I told you to eat more fruits and vegetables!
• Always keep a supply of Puff's Plus on hand for those unexpected times when you or someone you know laughs real hard or needs to cry.
• Good things do not come to those who wait. That is a lie. Good things come to those who are prepared, work for it, and know how to manage their resources. Show me someone who wasn't prepared, didn't work, and doesn't know how to manage things, and I'll show you someone no one wants to have sex with.
• Don't end your sentences with prepositions.
For more useful tips and information, call your Mother!